natural parenting center

Being attached and unattached

Let go.
Every minute is another opportunity for accepting everything exactly as it is. That's the irony of attachment parenting. It's all about sensing what to hold onto and what to let go of.
Hold onto your baby. All day every day, until she wants to go off by herself.
Let go of every expectation of how it is supposed to be.
How it IS is how it is supposed to BE.
Let go of going outside because some days are for inside.
Let go of cleaning up. You'll get it done at some point. It always gets done, but right now something else is happening.
Let go of matching shoes.
Hold onto your connection. Let go of being right. Let go of being in control. You are SO NOT in control. Never were, actually.
Let go of writing this blog, because baby girl is calling.

happy birthday, larkin

puddles and passion

Upon waking at 6 something...
Mom, can I dress up like a goalie?
Of course.
Do goalies wear a chest protector?
Yes.
Do goalies wear shin guards?
Yes.
Do goalies wear a jersey and elbow pads?
Yes.
Do goalies wear a penis protector?
Yes.
Do goalies wear goalie skates and hold the stick like this and do they wear a special goalie mask?
Yes.
C'mon mom. Let's play.

The Unprocessed Child: an excerpt

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Realizing that Laurie was more important than any thing and treating her with respect gave her a trust in me that could not have happened otherwise. If a child is punished for breaking a lamp, the message to the child is that the lamp is more important than the child is. If the child has been raised in a free environment he feels badly enough about breaking the lamp without being punished. The punishment drives a wedge between the parent and child. If the child knows that he will be punished for breaking something, he will learn to hide or lie about any future mishaps. Accidents happen to us all and it is time to stop making children pay so heavily for their innocent mistakes. The fun they are having, the laughter that was filling the room, is more important than the lamp. Lamps can be replaced, while the laughter of children cannot.

Finding balance.

So many parents are seeking more balance. What exactly does that mean?

A sane, balanced and fruitful human life is a dance between the two dimensions that make up reality: form and space

e. tolle A New Earth

We lose our sense of balance when we are too focused on the 'doing' of life. Cluttered by material things, things to do, and things to think about, we lose ourselves and lose touch with what matters most: simply being present enough to experience all of it fully.

This too shall pass.

You can say that to yourself every time you feel yourself getting uptight. Every time you start to want to change things from being the way they are. Your children need you to BE. That means you are willing to stand in the puddle outside the grocery store for 45 minutes. If your life is to full of doing to allow for that, then make changes. They actually know better than you about what life is about.

There is nothing more important than this. This moment, right here.

What ' s in your thoughts?

Whatever you are thinking about is planning, creating your reality. Every single thought, whether about the poopy diaper or the state of the world, is significant. You are an artist and you get to create this life.

What are you thinking about?

When you focus on what's wrong, you get more of that. When you focus on lack, you get more of that. When you focus on problems, you get more of that. So do the old switcharoo.

Think about what's working, what you are grateful for, what you love, what delights you. Say, "bring it on!" to all that you want. Watch your children for inspiration.

Yesterday, Sascha was face down in a pile of dirt and snow, crawling around, eating mouthfuls, grime dripping down her chin grinning and I could feel the worry thought creeping up behind me. I looked at my friend and she said "trace minerals". Ahhh yes. Trust.
Babies have been eating mouthfuls of dirt forever and doing just fine.

Ego-generated emotions are derived from the mind's identification with external factors which are, of course, all unstable and liable to change at any moment. The deeper emotions are not really emotions at all but states of Being. Emotions exist within the realm of opposites. States of being can be obscured, but they have no opposite. They emanate from within you as the love, joy and peace that are aspects of your true nature.

Be curious. Be kind.

What do you need?
May I hold you?
What's happening for you?
He's using that right now. Will this one work for you?
What are you feeling?
How can I help you?
Would you be interested in this?
Are you frustrated? Are you needing space?
Can I help you with that?
Yes.
Absolutely.
I would love to.
Definitely.
Will this work?
What if we tried it this way?
What's your idea?
What are you hoping for?
What would you like?
What would you prefer?
What's your opinion?

I'm so grateful for you.

time outs are bad for children

The research is mounting and the rationale is clear. When you send a child to time out, they experience a withdrawl of your love. They learn that they are only love-able sometimes, rather than unconditionally. Time outs are never appropriate.

If you create an unshakable relationship with your child, there is nothing he can do that you can't talk through and learn from. Without shame. Without punishment. Without emotional trauma.

Love your child with reckless abandon. Talk about your feelings when she acts in ways that aren't working for others or herself. Explain reality in neutral terms.

Encourage, beyond praise

What's the difference between praise and encouragement?

A worthy question. Praise uses judgment and encouragement is non-judgmental. Praise evaluates and encouragement does not. As a result, praise relies on extrinsic motivation and encouragement is all about intrinsic motivation.

Why is intrinsic motivation superior? It works. In other words, we are truly and lastingly motivated when the source comes from within. In the end, a child who is encouraged will trust themselves, know who they are, be resilient, and be strong in the face of peer pressure and other outer influences. The child who is encouraged will look inside him or herself for happiness and well-being.

Great. But...HOW TO ENCOURAGE WITHOUT PRAISING, right? Ahh yes. Here is the challenge and gift for us as parents: to observe without evaluation. Here are some guidelines:

1. Ask questions which have NO right answer.

How was that for you?
What was that like?
Tell me more.

2. Remove all reference to GOOD or BAD of any kind. This begins with a radical re-thinking on your part. At the core, you must shift from good/bad, right/wrong thinking and replace it with NEUTRALITY. Until you do this, even if you are not saying "good/bad", you will be giving it away in your tone or expression. Coaching is a powerful way of unravelling these beliefs so you can understand and appreciate the power of neutrality.

3. State observations.

You jumped higher than last time.
You were balancing.
You've added arms and legs to that drawing.
You used more color than last time.

Even these statements are tricky because your child is wise. She will hear what you value and take it to heart. (Hmmm. I guess I'm supposed to jump higher because higher jumps are better than lower jumps.) So include ANY observation, especially ones that, in your old way of thinking, you might not have valued.

That drawing has lots of lines all over.
That jump was lower (same tone as higher jump).
Yes, you did fall down (neutral, no drama).

4. Let your child know that WHO SHE IS is being seen, heard, valued. This is most encouraging of all, and meets our essential need to MATTER. This will be communicated by your vibration, by your way of BEING, far more than by what you say.

I see you.
I hear you.
I adore you.

Maybe most important of all...remember that your children do not need you to encourage them in order to learn, to grow, to develop. When you believe, really believe, in their innate ability to do this WITHOUT ANY INTERFERENCE FROM YOU...then, you will be naturally encouraging, just as you are.

Moby wrap giveaway

Hannah is the winner! Contact us with your shipping information, Hannah and we will send that to you. Thanks everyone!

Our dear friends at La Stella Blu are offering a FREE MOBY WRAP for you, any size and color you choose.
We believe that skin-to-skin contact is essential for optimal development of bonding between baby and mama or papa. Baby wearing promotes secure infant attachment which is highly beneficial. Research has shown that secure infant attachment leads to: higher IQ (Landry et al 2003; 2006, Moss et al 1998, Crandell and Hobson 1999); greater empathy and moral development (Davidov and Grusec 1996, Kochanska and Murray 2000); better ability to cope with negative emotions (Kerns et al 2007); greater emotional availability (Easterbrooks et al 2000); greater independence (Mercer 2006); lower stress (Blair et al 2006,Uvnas Moberg 2003); and fewer behaviour problems (Moss et al 1998).

When we are working with parents who are transitioning from coercion/control methods of parenting to natural parenting, we recommend a sort of 'attachment immersion' program which includes as much touch and connection as possible. The results are profound.

Well, back to the giveaway! To be eligible, simply comment below. Remember, you can ASK US your parenting question and receive free coaching!

Thanks and good luck! We'll be drawing for the winner this weekend and will post results here.