ask us-swearing, scolding and other burning questions

Welcome to a new category.  We will answer your questions here, starting with some hot ones that popped up on our Feeleez blog.  You can see here that our approach to parenting is generating some big questions.

Penny asked...

I apologize in advance if I am a bit of a devil’s advocate here. I come from a totally different way of upbringing, but I am interested to learn more about this topic.

Here’s what I read in the story…

You waited a little more than half an hour for Echo to “let” you drive. She was in control of the situation, said some pretty nasty words and finally decided when she was ready to go.

I totally appreciate how patient you are, but what about the mother who doesn’t have time to spend half an hour waiting for her child.
What about the fact that Echo is not being scolded for saying bad words?
Isn’t Echo learning that she is the boss and that she gets things her way?

I’m interested in your perspective on the situation and how this benefits Echo in the long run.

First of all, Penny, we LOVE that you are asking. So thanks for diving into all this. There are two basic premises to what NPC is about:

1.  RELATIONSHIP FIRST.  The most important part of every single decision you make as a parent is to consider how it will benefit your relationship with your child.  Why? Because a child's relationship with his/her parents (or primary caregivers) determines the quality is his/her life.  Period. 

2.  UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Every human being needs to be loved and to know how to love, unconditionally in order to thrive.  Parenting must result in children FEELING loved in this way.

The questions you raise are based on the old paradigm of parenting that does not consider these two factors.  This is like building a house on a rotten foundation: it looks great from the outside (e.g. "good" behaviour), but it WILL fall apart (usually in teens), often resulting in drug/substance abuse, inability to sustain healthy relationships, depression, suicide, job difficulties, etc. We are so excited to be part of a global shift in how we relate to children. The results will be profound, for ourselves, our children, and our planet.

Let me address the specific issues you raised:

Swearing: Echo is 2.5 years old. The ONLY way to lessen swearing is for you to never swear. It is totally inappropriate to ask a child this young to not use certain words if they hear others using them. They are hard-wired to imitate. Don't say anything about swearing to a young child if you want to minimize it.  If she was 5 or so, you might say to her...Echo, if you use those words when other people are around, they will probably be bothered by that.

Scolding:  This method of trying to change a behavior does not work. At best, you will get temporary obedience.  It WILL harm your relationship, meaning that your child will harbor negative feelings towards you, lose trust in you (imagine how painful it is to not be able to trust the person you love most in the world) and therefore be LESS likely to do what you request next time. Then you are in a vicious cycle of increasing punishment and/or reward to get desired behavior, which won't work. Alfie Kohn has loads of research to support this.

Waiting for child to be ready: If you care about your relationship with your child, and you want them to become thoughtful, intelligent, autonomous human beings, then do whatever it takes to minimize the number of times you have to make your child be somewhere at some time. Leave yourself LOTS of time for transitions so that you CAN build in time for your child to choose to be ready.  Relationships don't work when one person is MAKING another person do something and this includes parent/child relationships. What would have happened if Natalie forced Echo? You end up spending more time trying to help child become calm and settled again than the 30 minutes you waited.  It's just not practical or desirable.

Children need choice. The fact is that Echo had been in and out of the van a few different times on that day and so she needed to be able to say no. Even though it may not feel like it to us, children have very little control in their lives. The old paradigm of parenting is about being in control.  The fact is that life will offer our Echo many many opportunities to learn that she is not "in control", and as parents we need to remember that everyday-none of us is actually "in control" and certainly none of us should be "in control" of each other. Let's remember and have compassion that for a 2 1/2 year old (or child of any age) because there is so little that they do get to be in control of.  Successful parenting is not about being in control. It is about being what we want our children to become.

Take a moment to think about how much we make our kids wait for us and follow our timeline even when we don't mean to.  We decide we need to do this or that but usually those ideas are simply about us wanting to feel "in control".  We might say it's time to go but think nothing of making them wait while we say goodbye, get caught up in a conversation with someone else, take a phone call, etc.

Sometimes you do have to be somewhere and you really do need your child to go at a certain time (we hope this is only once or twice a day AT THE MOST, and that there are days every week where this is not necessary AND that you are constantly asking yourself WHY you are choosing to do what you are doing). What do you do?

::give child lots of information about when you are going, where, why and continue to dialogue about what's going to be happening as the time gets closer.

::if child seems resistant, get curious...what is happening? are they scared about what's coming up? are they sad about leaving their current scene? are they tired? hungry?

:: consider not doing it or calling to say you will be late

::offer empathy-I know you are so sad about leaving right now, but we are going to go. Yes, you are really really sad.  Is there anything that I can do to help you with this because we are going to go.  Would you like to read one more story with me before we go? I wish that papa was home so you could stay here with him and didn't have to come. Do not try to FIX the child's feelings, just understand them, be with them, accept them, offer your love and support as though you are talking to your best friend who has to do something she really doesn't want to do.

::be kind-I'm going to pick you up now and take you to the car. I know that you are so sad about this. Can I hold you? Can I bring something for you to make this easier? Yes, this is hard for you. You don't like that we are going.  I understand (with genuine love for child and appreciation of how hard this is for her).

BEING PATIENT: Natalie wasn't just being patient and this way of parenting isn't just about learning to be more patient. It is a fundamental shift in your perspective. You honour your child as a human being with wishes, needs, feelings, thoughts that MATTER. You put your relationship FIRST. You stop training your child and instead cultivate a meaningful connection.

Here is the thing: being kind to your child FEELS so much better to you AND it is good for your child.  We have been trained to think otherwise and we want to feel justified in using control, bribes, threats, coercion. You are in for such a treat when you let go of this and become compassionate, honest, empathic, and real with your children.  The irony is that when you parent this way, your child ends up being much more likely to do what you ask, much of the time,  anyways.  But it is NOT because they are afraid of you or what will happen to them, it is because they trust you and want to help you, too.

Comments

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[Penny]

Hi again,

Thank you for taking so much time to respond to my questions. Your answers have definitely been thought provoking for me!

I will say though that you almost lost me when you wrote that the old paradigm of parenting does not consider unconditional love and builds a rotten foundation.

At first it seemed like you were saying that my parents--who raised me on something closer to the old paradigm--did not love me unconditionally when they "scolded" me.

But I've picked up Alfie Kohn's book, Unconditional Parenting, and now understand what he means by that. It is much more to do with how the child interprets a parent's actions and how loved the child feels.

I've always known that my parents loved me unconditionally, even though they "scolded" us from time to time for bad behaviour.

Anyway, I'm very much absorbed in Alfie's book now and the research that he uses to back up his arguments.

I do like his argument that conditional parenting may result in temporary 'good' behaviour, but may not result in helping a child becoming independent, balanced, self reliant, confident, thoughtful, happy, etc in the long term.

I'm sure the rest of the book will be an interesting read!

Thanks again.

[Hilaree]

Thank you for addressing this so eloquently and succintly! Whenever I try to discuss this with people I ramble all over the place. :) I agree wholeheartedly with your words. I also appreciate that you mentioned what a treat it is to start having a compassionate, authentic relationship with your child. It truly is - to feel that type of peace enter your relationship and home is like a cool drink of water.