ask us-14 month old hitting and throwing things

Sascha, who is 16 months old, holding cell phone and really not wanting to give it back...kind of relates to this:

I recently found your blog and am really enjoying! I have a 14 month old little boy and have been reading and pondering my role as parent quite a bit. Was wondering if you could recommend websites and/or books that provide a good foundation for this conscious parenting philosophy. Right now am struggling with how to react with things like hitting and throwing things that are dangerous etc., things that can be harmful or dangerous for him and/or others. I don't like saying NO and sounding so firm over and over. He seems to be testing my boundaries and I don't know how to react to this. Can you help?

HI Jamie:

I'm so glad you asked this question because it can be such a struggle AND it is so common.  I hear that you are longing for some strategies for helping you both through this while maintaining your connection with your son. You are aware enough to know that you don't like saying NO over and over. You sound like you are wanting to respond in new ways and you are wondering how.

It takes such conscious attention and willingness to create new ways of responding so that you don't continue to repeat patterns from your own past or from what you see around you.  There is lots of advice out there about setting firm limits and reacting strongly to "boundary pushing". We have a different take on this.

Your son is doing what he is supposed to be doing. His behaviours are natural and actually quite important. It is a child's job to explore with intense fervor the physical landscape around him as well as the emotional landscape. He has discovered, probably quite by accident, that when he hits or throws things that BIG stuff happens. He sees you have strong feelings and he is curious and interested in all of this. He wants to be powerful and he wants to know where the power is in the world. Some from that perspective, perhaps you might find a little lightness and freedom in your own response to him. 

In terms of responding, he might be hungry for some more information. Try on a more neutral tone and give him the information that you think he might be seeking...""That is made of glass and so it is helpful to keep it on the table so that everyone stays safe." or "I want you to be safe, so will you put that down over here?"

Say what you WANT not what you don't want ("that will break", "you could cut yourself", "you will fall"). We create our reality, all of the time, so keep your attention and your words on what you DO WANT. That also helps him continue to become powerful in his ability to create what he wants in his life.

In terms of hitting, your response can be genuine and authentic, giving him information about your feelings and the impact he is having on you (rather than just a "rule" of NO HITTING or something like that which is impossible for children to resist doing over and over because they yearn to explore and learn about their world.). "That hurts when you hit me like that." Then, try to find out what the need is behind that behaviour.  Is he needing some wrestling play? Is he needing food, water, rest? Is he needing some more connection with you? What is he asking for with the behaviour? Then try to meet that need. "Are you feeling mad? Do you want to hit this pillow? Can I hold you and give you some loving?"

It's ok if you say and do these things one thousand times. You can use these situations to connect even more deeply because your son will learn that he is worthy and loveable no matter what he says or does.
When you think it might never end, it will. Treat every time as the first time, if you can, so that your judging mind doesn't come in and say things like "he should know by now...why isn't he learning this?...maybe I need to teach him a lesson...something is wrong that he is not listening to me...etc. All of those thoughts are not true and not helpful. Notice how your mind tries to make this harder than it really is...every struggle with our children gives us a chance to release the old programmed thoughts so that we can regain our natural state of joy and unconditional love no matter what the circumstances or behaviours. 

So, always in place of rewards and punishment are giving information, expressing your feelings, offering empathy (asking about his feelings), identifying and meeting the need underneath the behaviors. It is not a quick fix because you are not seeking temporary obedience. You are creating a strong relationships that will serve you both exceptionally well for the longterm.

Pam Leo says something like...the amount of cooperation you get from a child is directly linked to the amount of connection they feel with you.

I hope that helps, Jamie. Let us know your response and ask us more about this or anything else anytime.

Oh yes. In terms of other resources, I would recommend the follwoing books:

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn

Connection Parenting by Pam Leo

Raising Our Children, Raising Our Selves by Naomi Aldort

You can find these and more at NPC resources

Comments

[Dr. Stphen Doyne Phd]

It's important to remember that very young children are still developing an understanding of the world around them. This includes gaining a sense of empathy.

Being very much "in the moment," babies and toddlers simply do not comprehend that others experience the same basic needs, wants, and feelings.

Adults, being more able to empathize with others, project into the future, and understand a larger number of interconnected facts, may easily see this as being selfish, unkind, and sometimes just plain obnoxious.

Establishing and maintaining firm, reasonable, and consistent boundaries is important. As tempting as it may be to become visibly upset, I recommend firm patience, compassion... and being a positive role model.

[kris laroche]

Hello Melloray! Breaking the chains is what this is all about, isnt it? And yes, I agree...more love than most can imagine lies underneath and within that intention to look at everything in ourselves willingly, wanting to wake up and be conscious to not pass on our stuff to our innocent children. Connecting gently...I love that. Here is some advice: come up with a word or phrase which holds power for you and which is the very core of who you want to be as a mother. Your manifesto and reminder when times get tough. When you wake up in the morning, take a moment to remember. Then, set alarms or other reminders throughout the day to bring you back to your center. Read only what inspires you in the direction you want to go, blogs included. Fill yourself up with thoughts and ideas which are how you WANT to be, not how you dont want to be. Avoid places/people/experiences which bring you down. Choose consciously. With love, Kris PS We offer coaching, too, if you want to go even further. xoxo

[Melloray]

Thank you for your advice. It feels right as I am reading it.
I was raised in an intense environment...well, mostly and many adults in my life had very little patients so I sometimes struggle with connecting with my first baby. She is 14 months old. She is amazing.
No matter how much I love her and feel so deeply that I want to be the best Mom in the universe for her, I have heard myself yell, I have been frustrated and even lost my temper a few times...crossing the line...in my opinion.
but...every moment I get closer to my goal of being the Mom and friend that I want to be. Any advice on braking the chains and connecting gently will be most welcome. Many people just think people who struggle with temper are horrible but they do not understand what is underneath. More Love than most can imagine. More willingness to change negative into positive....

[alice]

Surely parenting practices over the years have contributed to the rather alarming state much of the world is in. However, assuming that small children always have the best instincts on their own and that we just need to “get out of their way”, and that they are best prepared for life on earth without reasonable praise for good behavior or consequences for nasty behavior is just a bizarre reaction to this. Guidance is not necessarily authoritarian, nor is the opposite of authoritarianism necessarily the best path. Might I suggest a middle path of connection and guidance makes the most sense?

Surely 400 "no"s a day would produce a negative environment and can be improved upon. However, constantly worrying that you're "getting in the way" of a small child by offering consistent, loving direction on behavior is not the way we end up getting teen suicides and the like. It is simply "socialization", and need not be an obsessive attempt to control but, rather, to teach a child what you genuinely think is the best way to treat other human beings. My background is Buddhist, and I refuse to believe that both showing and explaining what behavior is understood by others as loving, understanding, or unkind helps my children to grow up with a moral compass they can rely on. I guess you think this is inborn, but I'd challenge you to show good evidence for this. And yes, clearly, showing/modeling goodness is best, but telling is also necessary for learning. I mean, where on earth do you get backup for claims like telling children "don't hit" makes them hear "hit"? I have never, in all my reading on child psychology, heard that this is the case. What studies are you referencing?

Furthermore, raising children to think that whatever they do is always fundamentally ok is an overreaction to the negativity you rightly question. I would argue that this approach is more likely to lead to more entitled, narcissistic behavior amongst those who are treated this way. To raise a child to expect that "real love" means a person never gets annoyed with you or tells you you're acting like a jerk when you are acting like a jerk prepares them very poorly for the actual world. And I don't mean children need to "harden" to engage with the “cruel world”, but they do need to have reasonable expectations for what other people, besides doting parents, should be expected to happily accept. To think that “real love” means never having conflict or someone annoyed with you or – god forbid – raising their voice, means that you are raising children with expectations for love that nobody else will ever likely be able to deliver on.

And can i just say this again: the approach you are recommending is NOT NEW. I have witnessed this type of parenting in action for decades in Northern California, and I know plenty of self-obsessed people with poor impulse control and wildly irrational expectations of what "love" means. Happily, quite a few are lovely, happy people. However, many of them are divorced, a few have suicided, maaaaannnny have drug problems, many search through partner after partner to find that “perfect” love they feel is their birthright.

These people were raised the way you suggest.

[kris laroche]

HI Alice:
Thanks so much for this comment. I love the opportunity to hear a wide variety of perspectives.

Here is my response to what you are saying.
A UCLA survery a few years ago reported that the average one year old hears the word "NO" over 400 times per day.

I think that is a little over the top, quite frankly. It is a curious thing to me that most people in our society are far more concerned with the impact of "permissiveness" (which we are not advocating here) than control. With unarguable increases in teen suicide, substance abuse, divorce rates, environmental degradation, violence around the globe, it is exciting to me that more and more people are realizing that the way we have been parenting is a major contributor to the status quo.

We are interested in changing that.

In practical terms, let's go back to what happens when we say "no" or "don't". When we overwhelmingly emphasize what we don't want our children to do, we get more of that behavior. We say "don't hit her" and they hear "hit her". What we put our attention on is what we get more of.

So, with empathic, nonviolent responses that strive for connection, we not only get more of what we DO want (cooperation, compassion, kindness), but we also raise children who will treat the world and the people around them differently.

Furthermore, when we choose our language carefully and consciously, then when we DO decide that NO is an appropriate response, our kids are going to listen.

[kris laroche]

HI Kris:
I did post a specific reply to you which I hope gets posted soon!
Thanks
kris

[kris laroche]

HI Carol:
How fun to hear from a grandma. You are so welcome here. Let us know some more specifics about what's going on if you want some insights.
With much love
kris

[kris laroche]

HI there. I LOVE this question (instead of asking how can I get my child to do what I want her to do-which comes in handy, of course, but connection is the foundation for cooperation, anyways).

So, I'd love to have more information about what's going on for you. In the meantime, here are some ideas:

1. Play together-this means being totally present (start with 15 minutes/day), every day, with the only goal to be connection. Let your child guide the play. It is better if it is not a game or anything organized. It can be pretend, rolling around on the floor, chase, wrestling, building blocks and knocking them down. Find things that delight your child and allow yourself to fall into the flow of that.

2. Assume the best-start from the point of view that your child has a good intention-what might he be trying to do? protect someone or something? help? make something for you? ask questions based on that, first.

3. Stop saying "good job" or any other form of praise. This gives child more power and helps her to connect with her own sense of how she is doing about something. Praise doesn't work and it disconnects you because you become the holder of approval that she is seeking.

4. Listen deeply-look for feelings and needs behind every beehaviour. Start from assumption that every behaviour has a valid reason behind it and is not something that needs to be controlled.

5. Every single interaction we have either contributes to connection or takes away from it. If you were to tally up the interactions at the end of the day, what would that look like?

6. Physical affection, eye contact, getting on same level as child. Sometimes we can forget these basics.

7. How often is your child having a say and getting to choose? Are there more ways that he can lead the flow of your days together?

Will you let me know how all this sits with you? I'd love to know more about what's happening for you so that I can give you more specific ideas. You are clearly a conscious parent and probably have many powerful ways of connecting already...

With much love and gratitude,
kris

[alice]

You know, I grew up around a generation of people raised this way (West L.A. and Santa Cruz in the '70s) and I've got to say, somebody saying "NO!" when appropriate (even hollering it now and then) and laying down real boundaries with some firmness, rather than with "Mommy feels sad when you do that" would have done many of these people a world of good in terms of adult outcomes AND their relationships with their parents as adults.

My parents were relatively strict for the time and not afraid to exercise some authority (how old-fashioned, I know), and I feel such gratitude toward them for my confidence, abilities, understanding of how the world around us actually functions ("hey, adults are people and can get upset when you act like a prat!") and our enduring closeness.

This "softly softly" parenting can so often cover up an abdication of responsibility and an unwillingness for your child to ever be angry or upset with you for selfish reasons. I respect many of the attitudes -- kindness, respect for children as people, fostering of independence -- but god, it's all gone awfully far when you can't holler "NO!" at a child for smacking you or someone else without being made to feel guilty.

[Kris]

When I first opened this, I thought it was in response to my question. Not directly, but it does answer one of my biggest challenges with my 15-month-old. Thank you.

[Carol B]

Thank you so much for this post! I just found your site through Soulemama and this was what I needed to hear. I'm a full time grammy of two wonderful girls, 14 months and 38 months (we're a three generation household). Lately "no" has been too much in evidence. I know the 38 month old has lots of unmet needs but we're having trouble identifying them. The fact that mama has to work is clearly one of them. Looking forward to lots more great posts to help keep me on track - and help me model for daddy what needs to be done.

[Abbeyshane]

HOW do I connect with my four year old?