natural parenting center

Happy Halloween!

While the veil between the worlds is thin, and the moon is round,

what will you let die?

What is it time to let go of?

gift

It has been quite a week.  On the bike ride home from library and lunch and picking up new homeopathic remedies, I turned around to see this. No surprise. I would have gladly crawled in with them.

Tooth aches, tooth removal, eye teeth coming in, multiple wake ups every night, and me stubbornly ignoring all that and choosing NOT to go to bed earlier, led to this: wiped out. But, there are gifts everywhere.

When we arrived home today, while they still slept,  I opened a book to this:

Parenting becomes an intentional spiritual discipline when we practice the art of understanding. This requires more than showing up for our life and the life of the child; it means we wake up. Waking up means being present and mindful-watching and feeling the child, oneself, and our relationship. Presence allows us to be more aware of what is called for in a situation and to engage deeply and spontaneously in the relationship. The opposite of this is to be disconnected, distant, unaware, self-absorbed, distracted, numb, and caught in the whirlwind of our own thoughts, reactions, and agendas.

The Secret Spiritual World of Children-Tobin Hart, PhD

May you all enjoy your celebration tomorrow-Saw-wen, Summer's End, Halloween, Dia de los Muertos.

siblings

We have been having such a fun time with modeling beeswax. We've been using this stuff.

It's one of those ideal things where everyone gets something desirable out of the experience. Elliott gets more hockey (he'll take any version available), I get to make something with my hands, working the wax slowly, until it is warm, then molding it into different shapes, Elliott and Papa get to draw the rink together and talk about that, and Saschy girl...

Right. Not quite ideal, I guess. There is this. The younger sibling so wanting to be part of it all but not quite having what it takes...the dexterity or delicacy, coordination, know-how, or whatever. He just doesn't want her to play with this.

Sibling stuff is big. It can wear a mama or papa down faster than pretty much anything else, I think. It is tough not to be triggered by one human that you totally adore and love and want to protect hurting another human that you totally adore and love and want to protect. It kind of splits you in pieces.

So what is that trigger spot and how do we de-trigger ourselves? How do we navigate the landscape of our children's relationships with each other? How do we hold space for our own feelings about it all as it unfolds, sometimes violently, right before us?

It may sound like I'm leading up to a nice, tidy answer, or a list of sorts (which I seem prone to do on so many posts), but I just don't think that exists. If you read a formula for sibling relationships anywhere, I'd be wary.

Here is what I do know: there is enough love for everyone, even when there isn't enough lap space or arms to hold or creative ideas to satisfy everyone at once. And what this looks like is empathy for them and empathy for you. Lots and lots and lots of it. 

::

giveaway- I love dirt

 
 Children and the natural world. The two just seem to go together. In celebration of that, enter to win this:

Simply leave a comment and you will be eligible. The winner will be announced on Thursday night. Good luck and thanks for playing!

and the winner is:

sharyn said:

Would love to have more reasons for my boys to play in the dirt!

Congratulations Sharyn!

Email me your address and I'll send you the book!

Thank you EVERYONE. So fun to hear from you all.

kris@naturalparentingcenter.com

 

when people criticize your parenting ways

NPC is receiving some challenging and confrontation comments, these days. I waver between thinking 'oooh this is so fun and interesting' and 'holy shit this is terrifying'. With all that, a little grounding is in order.

Why am I doing this blog anyways? (I say "I" because for now, I'm the main writer, but "I" is mostly "we" because the NPC team weighs in regularly.) Putting myself OUT THERE? It's not because I want an intellectual debate about it. I have ZERO interest in defending myself. I love talking about it and answering questions and pondering with others. And...what matters is that each of us find what resonates for us, and that we dive into that. Use your feelings as your guide, always. That's true for food choices, mates, career, how you move about in the world, hobbies, and how you choose to raise your children. It this resonates, even bits and pieces of it, then stay.  If not, then don't. I wish you well, either way.

In the meantime, there is so much to to feel gratitude about (nothing like gratitude to get you back rooted):

::Natalie who came with us to the dentist today and knew to bring balloons to keep Saschy happy.

::taking delight in ordinary things like bubbles for the bath, and fresh vegetables, or finding inspiration from others who do the same like this joyful ordinary blog

::being challenged and knowing that no matter what anyone ever says, I am solid, to the core (and so are you)

::sinking into what feels good to me (and connecting with others who support, encourage and  advance this parenting path that feels so good of love and connection...like Pam Leo, Gordon Neufeld, Alfie Kohn, Naomi Aldort, Robin Grille, Joseph Chilton Pearce and Michael Mendizza, Scott Noelle,  Inbal Kashtan,  Ingrid Bauer,  Jan Hunt and on and on. 

::returning again and again to your center...who you are, what you care about, why you do what you do.

she just wants to be naked

A quick note to you all: I have responded to many of your comments over the last couple of days and just realized that NONE of them have shown up on the blog.  (I was replying via email.). Typepad is working out a solution for this, so I hope you keep checking back to find my words to you. Thanks...

and now for today's post.

It was reeeeeaaaallly chilly on Saturday when we meandered over to the park. Saschy wanted to go, but didn't want to wear clothes, so I bundled her up in the stroller with lots of cozy blankets. When we got to the park, she wanted to get out. And here she is. Feeling the temperature for herself.

 

The goosebumps grew and grew with all of us taking turns inviting her into the cozy clothes we brought.

Until she was ready. With big brother's help, she got bundled up.

In her own good time.

Some people might insist that this is ridiculous, permissive, maybe even irresponsible. I think otherwise. Everyone has their own internal sense of what they need and when it comes to body temperature,  this amazing girl has a furnace that cranks. I want her to know her own body, know her own mind, and listen to her SELF, above all else. Sure, that makes it harder for me sometimes when I am shivering just watching her.  But really, it's not about what would suit me in that situation, it's about what's right to her.

I want to raise a girl who knows her own mind. That means that I need to get out of the way as much as possible. It means that I give her information:

::most people are wearing lots of clothes in this weather

::the wind is blowing and quite cold

::I will bring clothes for you, so let me know when you want them

and depending on where we are,

::some people may be uncomfortable seeing you naked, they prefer that everyone wears clothes

She is safe. I do not believe that being cold makes a person sick. So, I work to put my own discomfort aside for her sake.

May we always choose aliveness over obedience.

 

ask us-14 month old hitting and throwing things

Sascha, who is 16 months old, holding cell phone and really not wanting to give it back...kind of relates to this:

I recently found your blog and am really enjoying! I have a 14 month old little boy and have been reading and pondering my role as parent quite a bit. Was wondering if you could recommend websites and/or books that provide a good foundation for this conscious parenting philosophy. Right now am struggling with how to react with things like hitting and throwing things that are dangerous etc., things that can be harmful or dangerous for him and/or others. I don't like saying NO and sounding so firm over and over. He seems to be testing my boundaries and I don't know how to react to this. Can you help?

HI Jamie:

I'm so glad you asked this question because it can be such a struggle AND it is so common.  I hear that you are longing for some strategies for helping you both through this while maintaining your connection with your son. You are aware enough to know that you don't like saying NO over and over. You sound like you are wanting to respond in new ways and you are wondering how.

It takes such conscious attention and willingness to create new ways of responding so that you don't continue to repeat patterns from your own past or from what you see around you.  There is lots of advice out there about setting firm limits and reacting strongly to "boundary pushing". We have a different take on this.

Your son is doing what he is supposed to be doing. His behaviours are natural and actually quite important. It is a child's job to explore with intense fervor the physical landscape around him as well as the emotional landscape. He has discovered, probably quite by accident, that when he hits or throws things that BIG stuff happens. He sees you have strong feelings and he is curious and interested in all of this. He wants to be powerful and he wants to know where the power is in the world. Some from that perspective, perhaps you might find a little lightness and freedom in your own response to him. 

In terms of responding, he might be hungry for some more information. Try on a more neutral tone and give him the information that you think he might be seeking...""That is made of glass and so it is helpful to keep it on the table so that everyone stays safe." or "I want you to be safe, so will you put that down over here?"

Say what you WANT not what you don't want ("that will break", "you could cut yourself", "you will fall"). We create our reality, all of the time, so keep your attention and your words on what you DO WANT. That also helps him continue to become powerful in his ability to create what he wants in his life.

In terms of hitting, your response can be genuine and authentic, giving him information about your feelings and the impact he is having on you (rather than just a "rule" of NO HITTING or something like that which is impossible for children to resist doing over and over because they yearn to explore and learn about their world.). "That hurts when you hit me like that." Then, try to find out what the need is behind that behaviour.  Is he needing some wrestling play? Is he needing food, water, rest? Is he needing some more connection with you? What is he asking for with the behaviour? Then try to meet that need. "Are you feeling mad? Do you want to hit this pillow? Can I hold you and give you some loving?"

It's ok if you say and do these things one thousand times. You can use these situations to connect even more deeply because your son will learn that he is worthy and loveable no matter what he says or does.
When you think it might never end, it will. Treat every time as the first time, if you can, so that your judging mind doesn't come in and say things like "he should know by now...why isn't he learning this?...maybe I need to teach him a lesson...something is wrong that he is not listening to me...etc. All of those thoughts are not true and not helpful. Notice how your mind tries to make this harder than it really is...every struggle with our children gives us a chance to release the old programmed thoughts so that we can regain our natural state of joy and unconditional love no matter what the circumstances or behaviours. 

So, always in place of rewards and punishment are giving information, expressing your feelings, offering empathy (asking about his feelings), identifying and meeting the need underneath the behaviors. It is not a quick fix because you are not seeking temporary obedience. You are creating a strong relationships that will serve you both exceptionally well for the longterm.

Pam Leo says something like...the amount of cooperation you get from a child is directly linked to the amount of connection they feel with you.

I hope that helps, Jamie. Let us know your response and ask us more about this or anything else anytime.

Oh yes. In terms of other resources, I would recommend the follwoing books:

Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn

Connection Parenting by Pam Leo

Raising Our Children, Raising Our Selves by Naomi Aldort

You can find these and more at NPC resources

We love Soulemama friends...

 

Hello, friends. If you are visiting from Soulemama, welcome! We feel so grateful for our sweet connection with Amanda and all of the handmade inspiration, mindful living, and family joy she shares with all of us.

You probably know that we are offering a giveaway there today. So exciting for us to offer our support to you. We know how challenging, confusing and just plain HARD it can be to parent consciously, mindfully, compassionately, intelligently.  We LOVE being able to witness parents making big breakthroughs with their children and experiencing much greater joy, ease, peace as a result. You do NOT have to struggle alone. Whatever you are going through: sleep issues, feeding, tantrums, transitions, lack of support, isolation, emotions, being triggered, anger, educational decisions, co-parenting, dealing with resistance from others, blended families,or, or, or...we can help.

If you are looking for a quick fix or "program" to get your child to do what you want, you'd best go elsewhere. If you are longing for greater connection and a stronger relationship so that your children WANT to work in partnership with you, we can help. It will take longer. It will seem messier. It will probably require some inner changes on your part (need to ditch those old limiting beliefs, you know?).

So, since it is a longer road, we want to give you lots of ways to get what you needd here.

::this blog (written mostly by me, Kris) and this blog (written mostly by Natalie)-insights into what our lives our like and how we navigate our own struggles and delights

::Ask Us-at any time you can ask us a quesion in either blog's comments and we will address it here in full. This is how you can get some support for your own personal challenges or get ideas for what you want more of. We all contribute to these responses, usually.

::Private parenting consultations and/or life coaching-Nathan McTague is the primary go-to for this. Email us for more information and pricing. Primarily done over the phone. Often 1-3 months gets you well on your way. Very powerful.

::Online classes-these will be offered early 2010. We are SO excited about these conscious parenting classes. Affordable, effective, offering a kind of group coaching, shared experience.

::Free resources-we are often recommending books, other classes and programs, links to other helpful folks that are part of this new parenting movement. Check blogs and the website for this, or email directly.

::We also have other things in the works that we will keep you posted about.

NPC is about YOU. Let us know what you want, what you need. Our vision is to provide much-needed connection, information, knowledge, guidance for conscious parenting. You are not alone.  

Ask Us: This just seems like so much work.

 

Often people wonder...it seems like way too much work to parent like this-explaining, holding, waiting, being with, giving information, asking questions, playing, waiting, offering choice, re-thinking your language; inventing fresh rather than based on your own past or what you see around you; transforming yourself; waiting.

It's a valid question, (and kind of funny considering the last 24 hours we just had. By the way Saschy-girl is sleeping peacefully right now on new remedy-tarantula-crazy, huh? Soon I will post about the miracle of homeopathy.). 

Here is my response to the it's too much work perspective.

It IS a lot of work.  It requires way more energy and presence and thoughtfulness than maintaining rules, giving orders, and dishing out consequences. So, why do it?

1.  It is more work now, but it is NOT more work overall. Do the work now building a strong relationship and loving connection or do the work later, without the benefit of connection or any influence.

It takes the same amount of time and attention

to meet children's emotional needs as it does

to deal with behaviours caused

by their unmet emotional needs.

Pam Leo

2.  It is BETTER FOR THEM to be deeply and securely connected to you. This is the primary need that all children have, beyond food, water and shelter. This is fundamental to their ability to thrive.  Would we ever tell children that we don't have time to feed them, but we'll be sure to do it in a couple of days? More and more parents are realizing that children's emotional needs are as important as their nutritional needs and they are giving them time and attention and play and connection every day.

3.  It is BETTER FOR US. There is no doubt, because we are on the receiving end of unconditional love and a deeply satisfying relationship. The days when I am clear about my priority being loving and connecting with my children and don't waver from that are the best days of all because I am in that marvelous state of flow-totally being at peace with what is happening. This is my practice. This is more important than any other ambition I may have. Not to mention all of the personal deal-with-my-old-baggage that it demands. I would never bother I don't think. It's more powerful than years spent in meditation and yoga, I'm sure.

4.  It is BETTER FOR THE WORLD.  This can seem like the last thing on your mind when you are alone, in the house, playing chase, getting snacks, negotiating chaos, without any recognition whatsoever. But our choice to parent unconditionally, consciously is an immensely powerful thing. There is NOTHING more likely to change the status quo than how you treat your kid. Children who are raised with rewards and punishment are more selfish, less able to sustain healthy relationships, and likely to lose their natural motivation, creativity and curiosity. Someone who knows empathy and unconditional love is incapable of being violent. Period.

So, even during the hardest moments, I know that this is the only way I can be with my kids. It's messy, it's exhausting, it's confusing because we are learning as we go.  It is also oh so right. In fact, nothing could ever feel more right than this.

 

 

Something else to remember:  parenting consciously is more work for three reasons. One is that you are going against your internal programming. There is a great deal of dedicated work required to change those unconscious beliefs that were handed to you before the age of 6. Also, you are going against a mainstream culture that is based on domination, rather than partnership and unconditonal love. Thirdly, almost all of us need much more support than our family structures provide. NPC is all about helping you with all of these, by the way. So, we are really glad you are here.

 

oh the irony (tales of a sleep deprived mama)

It is now eight o'clock in the morning. I started writing this blog at about ten thirty last night. I was first planning to write about oxytocin and cortisol. This is how I was planning to start the post...

As I sat down, knitting in hand for something to do while the pictures loaded (there are over 3,000 in the file because I have yet to organize them so it takes awhile), Saschy woke up. I raced into the bedroom pulling up my shirt and laying down for her to nurse. As she went from squawky cries to pleasurable groans, I imagined her whole system being flooded with oxytocin. Then I thought about cortisol, and how so many infants and children in our culture have more cortisol flooding their systems because of the way we are trained to parent...etc. etc. So the title will be "oxytocin and cortisol" as I lay there nursing.

That was the plan.

Every parent knows that to even say the word 'plan' is kind of a joke.

I came back to the computer and she woke up again. Ran back.

I came back to the computer again and she woke up again. Ran back.

This time I took her to the bathroom to pee (elimination communication is amazing-she doesn't wear a diaper at night and is 16 months old...). This has been my recent discovery of the reason for evenings like this, then she usually tucks right in for at least a few hours of slumber.

Not tonite.

She didn't want to go back to bed. I mean seriously  didn't want to go back to bed. It was like the bed was covered in sharp needles, or cold slime or something. There was no way she was going horizontal. So we danced. We bounced. We nursed on the couch. The light had to be on. She had to be upright. This went on. and on. I usually make it a rule to never look at the clock because it just makes things worse, but I couldn't help it tonite. There are many numbers floating through my mind.

So, here I am. Feeling like a train wreck.

There is a silver lining, though. No matter how much she cried, I held her. So any and every possible bit of oxytocin came her way. That is, when it boils right down to it, the best we have to give.

 

Oxytocin, sometimes called the hormone of love, not only induces uterine contractions during childbirth but is also released as a mother nurses her baby and is responsible, at first touch, for her feelings of attachment to the newborn. The instinct to want to cuddle continues to intensify; hence oxytocin often also gets referred to as the “cuddle hormone.” Oxytocin was first synthesized in 1951 and has been prescribed to women since then to induce labor and facilitate breast-feeding. Oxytocin means "swift birth" in Greek.

But the role of oxytocin goes beyond childbirth and mother-infant bonding. Oxytocin, found in both men and women, has a large role in promoting enduring friendships, marriages, and relationships. It is even suggested that it can even promote trust among strangers. Data has shown that oxytocin reduces anxiety levels in users and hence helps to facilitate social contact between people. One study by Paul Zak, PhD, of Claremont University, and colleagues found that following administration of oxytocin through a nasal spray, study participants were more generous toward strangers and trusted them much more than those who did not receive oxytocin.(1) Data has also demonstrated that participants who were given an oxytocin infusion gave significantly more money to a stranger than participants who took a placebo.(2)

 

 

Two hormones are very important, cortisol, the stress hormone, will slow down growth of the brain and in addition a child who is worrying will not find it easy to learn.  The other is oxytocin or the love hormone, which promotes relaxation and leaves an individual more open and receptive to others.  In effect, Suzanne is saying that a society low on touch is also low on oxytocin, which makes people low on empathy.  Ultimately, a society low on empathy is likely to be a violent society.  Therefore, cultural practices are very important as they dictate parental practices, which in turn affect infant development and future societal functioning.