she just wants to be naked

A quick note to you all: I have responded to many of your comments over the last couple of days and just realized that NONE of them have shown up on the blog.  (I was replying via email.). Typepad is working out a solution for this, so I hope you keep checking back to find my words to you. Thanks...

and now for today's post.

It was reeeeeaaaallly chilly on Saturday when we meandered over to the park. Saschy wanted to go, but didn't want to wear clothes, so I bundled her up in the stroller with lots of cozy blankets. When we got to the park, she wanted to get out. And here she is. Feeling the temperature for herself.

 

The goosebumps grew and grew with all of us taking turns inviting her into the cozy clothes we brought.

Until she was ready. With big brother's help, she got bundled up.

In her own good time.

Some people might insist that this is ridiculous, permissive, maybe even irresponsible. I think otherwise. Everyone has their own internal sense of what they need and when it comes to body temperature,  this amazing girl has a furnace that cranks. I want her to know her own body, know her own mind, and listen to her SELF, above all else. Sure, that makes it harder for me sometimes when I am shivering just watching her.  But really, it's not about what would suit me in that situation, it's about what's right to her.

I want to raise a girl who knows her own mind. That means that I need to get out of the way as much as possible. It means that I give her information:

::most people are wearing lots of clothes in this weather

::the wind is blowing and quite cold

::I will bring clothes for you, so let me know when you want them

and depending on where we are,

::some people may be uncomfortable seeing you naked, they prefer that everyone wears clothes

She is safe. I do not believe that being cold makes a person sick. So, I work to put my own discomfort aside for her sake.

May we always choose aliveness over obedience.

 

Comments

[Jessie]

I love this whole idea. You did mention that the park you were at was deserted other than you and your family so I think it's fine. My daughter is always wanting to go out in the snow with nothing but panties and her snow boots on. After reading this it makes me think I should just let her. She does know when she is cold so she will probably just come in when she gets to that point.

[Ivy]

Heather,
We used to live in Minneapolis and went to ECFE classes, and I completely agree with you. That is probably why NPC and Feeleez resonate with me.

[Heather LaValle]

I should also add that I live in MN. We have a program here through the public school system called Early Childhood Family Education or ECFE. They have trained teachers that encourage parents to raise there children this way. If it wasn't proven as the most effective and gentle parenting style it wouldn't be state funded. No Minnesotans have ever questioned my parenting style because this is just how we do it up here. Even in downtown Minneapolis. If you still have questions then look up how our state rates on test scores, crime and high school drop out rates. Many publications have rated MN one of the best places to raise a family. I see a direct link to these things based on how children are raised here. I grew up in a neighborhood full of conscious parents. Those kids turned out great.

[Heather LaValle]

I have had many moments like these with my children. I wish I would have had the foresight to take pictures! This made me laugh out loud and brought back funny memories of natural consequences and aha moments for my children. I don't think this kind of parenting is going to encourage children to do drugs and get into trouble as teens. They are given information and able to feel secure about making good decisions even under peer pressure. This is not permissive parenting, it's choosing your battles. Also you have to except the the battles only get bigger as they grow.

[Ivy]

Kris,
Thanks for the extra information. Having lived in a city and now in a suburban area, there are always people around. I cannot even imagine the kind of quiet town you describe really.

I also really like your example of the face paint. Explaining to them that people will most likely talk and if the kid is alright with that great out you go and if not then perhaps we need to wash that off.

[kris laroche]

Hi all:
Marvelous discussion. Thanks to all of you for weighing in. Here is some more information: we live in a small town and there was no one at the park that day. I doubt I would have let her get out of the bundled up chariot if there was anyone at the park. Town was deserted where we were. There are lots and lots of times when I DO say "we are going somewhere that requires clothing" and then she gets dressed. I am in agreement with most of you and can see that where many of you live, there would never be a situation where you felt comfortable with your kiddos being naked other than at your own home. Of course, OF COURSE, children need "boundaries" (though I might call it clear information and reasonable choices) to feel safe, loved, comfortable and to have what they need to function in the world. They need to know how our society operates, and I provide information about that, even when I don't agree with how society operates. I don't want any of our children to be throw into situations where they don't have needed information from us, where they'd be surprised by other people's reactions. (eg. You are wearing face paint today and we are heading out to the store. People will probably say things to you about it. How is that for you? "I don't want them to." Well, they will, so we could take the face paint off, or you could just know that they will likely say things. They are probably intending to be friendly, but they will comment because it looks different.)
With much love to you all.

[Asha]

I agree with Alice on this one. My daughter prefers to be naked all the time and I let her, at home. When it's time to go out (and it's quite chilly here in NY), I tell her if she wants to come out with everyone, she has to get dressed and she does without a fight. I'm protecting her. Kids do need boundries in certain areas, it comforts them and it lets them know they are being looked out for. Like Alice asked, where do you draw the line as they get older?

I have been a watcher of this site here and there and I'm taken aback by a lot of your methods. Well I was raised the 'traditional' way and I'm a good, loving, free thinking person. I'm happy, creative, positive and I could go on and on. I don't judge your methods but I think children need boundries.

[Jen]

I'm all for this type of expression under my roof. Unfortunately we live in quite a fallen world, where child porn is rather frequent on the news. I live in a pretty upscale neighborhood, but when I search the sex offender website, there are TWO people within a mile of me with child pornography charges. If she didn't want to cover up, she could have just stayed home, no?

[Alyssa]

My younger sister needed far fewer clothes than any of her siblings...we were always amazed about how she could go ouside in a t-shirt while the rest of us were bundled up. Now, as an adult...she's loves to bundle up...we've all got our own thermostats.

[Ivy]

I like that you let her feel for herself how cold it was, but I question taking her to a public place like that. I guess I'm seriously in my own head here and probably over thinking it. But in our society it isn't "ok" to go about naked in public, and unfortunately could be dangerous if some sicko were nearby (and I know that really isn't terribly likely, but it still wigs me out). To me, it's one thing what happens at home and another when you're in public. That doesn't mean I think you should treat her differently in terms of your parenting in public, but that I think that as the parent you have to make judgment calls about what is ok and isn't in public spaces. So if she didn't want clothes on she stayed home -- she could still play outside in the back yard and have alone time with a parent while the other took your son to the park. I don't see this as punishment, as much as practical.

[alice]

See, now that seems perfectly reasonable to me! What an amusing and educational little outing. What I don't understand is how this same model of "getting out of the way/no praise/no punishment" is going to work when Saschy is 14 and wants to try drugs/unprotected sex/staying out all night.

I don't think that just because she has been unconditionally loved as a child she wouldn't necessarily want to, having known many who were and who did. And who came to harm.

I'll stop pestering you now, but I really am genuinely curious how you think this will play out.

[Natalie]

My lil' girl is about Sacha's age and prefers to go bare most of the time as well. They know when they are chilly or not. On the other hand, sometimes my girl likes many sweaters piled on top of one another. That's when I have to get out of MY own way and let her wear them out of the house:) Thanks for sharing!