How does that saying go? You can lead the camel to water, but you cannot make it drink? Something like that? Same principle applies to parenting, though we most often lead ourselves to the water. You can read all the books in the world, you can learn all the latest information, research, theories about how to be an unconditionally loving parent, but...
...knowledge alone rarely gets you to where you want to be. We may be thirsty as all get out, but unable to drink from that ocean.
There are rare individuals who will read a book (such as this one) and change. Really change. As I said, this is rare, and for good reason. Most earnest parents may learn the information about why rewards and punishment don't work and the value of unconditional love, non-violence, empathy for raising brilliant kids, and then get stuck on the how.
HOW do I BE that during the hard moments? Because actually, you might be saying, I can be irrational, furious, mean, petty, immature, vengeful, selfish when I get triggered by....whatever your thing is. That ocean of unconditional love might be right there in front of you and in that irrational, crazy moment, you would rather be thirsty.
It takes more than knowledge, more than information. Even when you want to change so bad, you might not be able to follow through with those promises to be kind that you've made to yourself.
Oh dear one. Forgive yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Let go of all that has come before. AND commit to change. It IS possible.
If you want to make lasting and deep changes to the way you interact with your children, think brain surgery. We are rewiring our brains. In the first six or so years of life, according to Bruce Lipton, an internationally recognized cell biologist who has written about conscious parenting, we are downloading a program without any filters. We are in a hypnotic state. This program forms our beliefs about the world and makes up our subconscious mind. Our conscious mind (the part that has information about how to parent differently) is at work 5% of the time, while the subconscious is in charge 95% of the time. Whenever we are triggered, tired, distracted, stressed, on auto-pilot, we respond from that programming. It takes dedication to re-wire our brains, and it is possible.
When I learned this I felt so sad for the little me who absorbed many limiting beliefs. I also felt (and feel) hyper aware and a bit freaked out about what my children are downloading moment to moment. Talk about motivation to grow.
How do we change?: consistent reflection, supportive community of learners, deep inquiry, presence, structures to remind and awaken, and some other goodies which we will share with you here. It takes more than just thinking about it, some action is involved, such as writing.
So, with all this in mind, I want to launch our Conscious Parenting course, right here on this blog. I will post 21 lessons. Each lesson will invite you to become more conscious through questions and exercises. What you will need is a journal and pen, and as much time as you choose to devote to it. You are welcome to post your discoveries here so that you can share in the learning with others. These will not be presented 21 days in a row because I want you to have days in between to ponder. These will be filed in a new category called Conscious Parenting Class, so if you miss one, you can check there. Why 21? It takes 21 days to change a habit. Let's at least start with one habit.
To get you started, what habit do you want to change?
If, in 6 months, say, you were able to say "I go to bed most nights feeling so fulfilled and satisfied with the way that I interact with my children", what would be different from how it is now?
What do you want more of?
What beliefs or challenges do you think are standing in your way?
Oh yes. This will be fun, indeed.
I am coming a little late but I'll follow along.
What I want to change:
I want to find peace and bring peace.
I want to exchange fear for hope, worry for possibility.
I want to trust that the universe will give me what I need and be open to its guidance.
Thank-you for sharing your journey with us.
Posted by: gen | December 10, 2009 at 04:52 PM
thank you for this, and how timely. the hubby and i are taking the "How to Talk..." course, i am reading the book and he is attending the class, and then we talk about it all. the thought of my subconscious working most of the time with wiring from my first six years of life scares me so. maybe that is why i have moments that seem so hard, i am probably constantly fighting against that part of my wiring that lived through too much at too young of an age. i have always instinctively been an attachment parent, and followed my babies' leads from the beginning, despite the criticisms on how to parent, and my upbringing. but, keeping that connection as they get older is very different. my main goal right now is to try and be present with their feelings (and mine) more often. i 'do' a lot, i want to 'be' more. again, thank you for this, kris.
Posted by: Angela | December 02, 2009 at 07:33 PM
Kris, That's such a helpful analogy - the bedtime being like the end of a marathon - and the losing of the moment-ness Of course!
Thanks for framing it in that way.
Posted by: Teri | November 30, 2009 at 10:25 PM
Heather.
your being here is reciprocation enough. strangely, this blog is a very selfish pursuit for me. it feels so so good to do it, so no one owes me anything. someone taking something worthwhile from it seems like icing on the cake to me, for which i am so grateful.
Posted by: kris laroche | November 28, 2009 at 07:25 PM
Hi Teri:
yes that putting to bed hour. what i am discovering about it is that it is a mind-trap, kind of like the last few miles of a marathon. you let yourself start to imagine being done, you make lists of what you will do when they fall asleep, you totally lose being in the moment and are living in the imagined future. t-r-o-u-b-l-e. then patience, loving kindness, mindfulness, ease. it all just evaporates!
Posted by: kris laroche | November 28, 2009 at 07:23 PM
robin..i especially love 32 things. you know that ani difranco song? there is a line in it, can't remember name of song, actually i think it is 32 flavours. she says "i am 32 flavours and then some.." yeah baby. no limitations here. anything and everything is possible.
Posted by: kris laroche | November 28, 2009 at 07:21 PM
Hi,
I just found you via woowoomama... My journey began with the birth of my oldest six years ago, but I would say my crash-course began three years ago, with the birth of my second.
Talk about living in trigger-land!
I spent two (or more) of those three years in a lot of pain and bewilderment. WHY would I do things I KNEW I didn't believe in? I think I finally have developed some empathy and care of myself, and an understanding of the task at hand. It does take time to rewire our minds and hearts, and I am so glad that you mention that. The journey is long, but I am so grateful to be on it at all!
I just finished a 30-day NVC intensive class and I could FEEL change happening; it was as if the previous years of work and meditation were clicking in, moving out of my mind and into my body.
But it is a lifelong practice... The habit I most want to change? I want to begin with silence... I want to find a place of quiet and stillness within myself before speaking. I want to stop reacting to my children, telling so sharply to be quiet (oh, the irony! :).
I have done the begin-with-silence practice on and off and it is really helpful in creating greater connection between us and peace in our house, but I would like to really integrate the practice into my daily life.
I can't wait to see this course! I have been writing about my journey into peaceful parenting for three years now, and I am just falling over with excitement to have found your blog!
Blessings,
Stacy
Posted by: Stacy (Mama-Om) | November 28, 2009 at 05:06 PM
I want to accept and empathize when I don't understand the behaviour. Thank you for your beautiful blog.
Posted by: Theresa | November 27, 2009 at 12:05 PM
oh, let the fun begin! you know what is so hard right now? picking the one thing i'd like to be more of. can i have a running list of 32 or so? haha.
ok i am going to list three which seems fair because they are so interrelated for me.
patient
connected in the moment
joyful
a journal huh? maybe my blog...need to think on that.
Posted by: robin (woowoo mama) | November 26, 2009 at 09:37 AM
I came to your site from a post on Soulemama. I am so thankful I found it and so thankful to you for taking the time to make it. A lot of your posts are just what I need to read right now as I'm trying to parent in a new way. Thank you!
Posted by: Lizzie | November 26, 2009 at 05:32 AM
What a great idea! Thank you for leading such a journey.
When my patience is tried, I find myself falling into patterns of communication that I grew up with - arguing and getting angry. And then feel just awful that I'm creating this environment for my daughter.
It's especially hard at bedtime. I've been the primary "put to bedder" for her 2 years, since she nurses to sleep.
So, I guess I'd like to work on finding more peaceful ways of communicating with my family, and also accepting and enjoying the time that I have with her at night before she sleeps.
Posted by: Teri | November 25, 2009 at 10:07 PM
Thanks for this. I felt the same about Unconditional Parenting and especially appreciate the "be gentle with yourself" comment as I see a disconnect at times b/n what I want to be & who I am as a parent but feel that I am on the right path but struggle that I can't wave my magic wand & just *be* who I so wish to be. Your blog really resonates with me. I feel I have so many of the same thoughts, feelings & concerns but don't feel as eloquent as you appear to be. Thank you for sharing your journey with me as I feel I have greatly benefitted from connecting with you. I hope to reciprocate that in some way in the future.
Posted by: Heather | November 25, 2009 at 09:04 PM
What a wonderful idea. I'm looking forward to this journey. I, too would like to be more present, more patient and more confident with my parenting decisions.
Posted by: melissa s. | November 25, 2009 at 07:39 AM
I want to be a calmer -- less easily trigger parent. I want to see the spilled juice and laugh and console, not get angry. I want to find peace in the every day.
I think this course will be great. Thanks!
Posted by: Ivy | November 25, 2009 at 07:01 AM
I want to be more present, more often. I find it's easy to look at the clock and think "oh, two more hours until..." but I want to lean into the hours ahead with joy more often, rather than planning ahead in my mind what we'll do, where we'll go... SO looking forward to these 21 posts!
Oh, and just finished reading "Unconditional Parenting" and absolutely loved it. I agree that it's difficult some days to be who we want to be with our kids, with our impatience and all the other emotions that can flood, but this book was amazing, and a great reminder of the parent I want to be (am?)...
Posted by: Dawn | November 25, 2009 at 06:44 AM
thanks! you are my first blog visit of the day; every day; and this space means the world to me! i think this series will be very helpful!
the pic reminded me of one great movie; the story of the weeping camel: there is quite some links with NPC i think!
Posted by: Isabelle | November 25, 2009 at 06:01 AM