lost and found in the not parenting moments

There are actually some moments when we are not parenting, right? Those times when your children willingly and happily go off with someone you love and trust, and you are there, without them, being some version of you , someone vaguely familiar yet also totally foreign.

Whoa.

Since being here on vacation at this resort in Arizona, I have read pretty much the entire USA Today newspaper-TWICE, devoured Remember Me by Sophie Kinsella, and perused a few magazines that were laying around. Not to mention lots of not so subtley gawking at the fascinating people doing there thing here (the shoes and fashion are on par with the best of Sex and the City).

It's strange.

Everyone who is deeply immersed in parenting handles these moments of not parenting differently. The transition from full-on 100% attached and responsive to growing independence and differentiation is not linear or smooth and doesn't get talked about all that much, it seems. What do you do when they go off without you, since they could be back, needing you again in a moment or in a few hours.

Some people are overjoyed by the freedom, no matter how short. Maybe you feel delighted, sad, guilty, confused, ecstatic, refreshed, fulfilled, frustrated, rushed, or flat when you are away from your children. Then, how is it for you when you are back together? Are you refreshed or resentful or something else altogether? We are all so different. Nothing we feel is ever wrong, just a chance to dig a little deeper and find out what's going on in our unconscious recesses. We cannot really compare ourselves to anyone else, especially if we feel differently than they do and use that difference to be hard on ourselves or deny our own real response.  

For me, not parenting is kind of like being lost and found at the same time. Lost as in, what do I do without some child attached to my body in some way, directing my attention and occupying my purpose? Found as in, ahhh, hello me. Here you are moving freely about in the world. How's it going, anyways?

By the way, check back tomorrow for an exclusive interview with Robin Grille, author of Parenting for a Peaceful World and Heart to Heart Parenting.

Comments

[kris laroche]

ivy...i'm curious about this "selfish" label. it is used as such a judgement and yet i think selfish is a beautiful thing when it means nurturing self, caring for self, putting yourself first...that is actually essential, i think. we can each express that differently, but at the core, we all need to be self-full!!!

i'm glad you cherish your moments away and that it fills you up. there is no wrong way to be. ever.

[kris laroche]

oh man, alyssa. that is SO familiar to me. i used to leave elliott sometimes when he was little and i found it so hard to tune back in and felt more resentment or something like that when i got back to being with him. excited, then racing around like a lunatic, then not ever getting it all done (because you never do) then missing him so much and feeling so sad, then trying to slow back down to be with him...it felt crazy to me! with sascha i haven't left her. this trip was the most i've been checked out from being with her and some of those same feelings came back. it's strange to go from hyper productive to back into kid pace, you know? i think it is way easier to be with them all the time in some ways. i have so much empathy for working parents who try to sink back into the flow with their children after being out in the world all day. wow.

[Alyssa]

I loved that video!
I really appreciate this post. Occasionally I have time away from my daughter and at first I'm really excited at the thought of all that I will be able to accomplish. But about 2 hours after I've exercised, shopped for groceries, cleaned, etc, I start to really miss her. Basically the minute I stand still for a minute I miss her.
The other thing I find interesting about days where I have a few hours away from her is that I then find it particularly exhausting to spend those remaining hours of the day with her. It's almost like in those few hours of absence I've forgotten how to be with her. It's a strange feeling but by the end of a day where I've gotten a "break" I feel more exhausted than on our "normal" days.
I hope your time in the sun and by the pool is going well.

[Ivy]

I usually love/cherish my moments away from my kiddos, just to be me. It might be selfish, but for me I think those stolen moments make me a better parent. By the way -- how cute was that video?!