family visits...keeping the peace

A unique path. This way of parenting is foreign to lots of people, including family. Being in close proximity for the holidays can create some interesting situations, indeed. How do you handle the differences? How do you navigate tricky family dynamics? What do you let go of and what do you address with them? How do you be at peace yourself so you don't spend the whole holiday stressed and going crazy?

What is the best approach for visits with extended family who find this way of parenting weird, confusing or 'wrong' ?

This question was posed to us last week and we've been talking about it and pondering it because it is relevant to many of us. Let's see if we can offer you some ideas and fresh perspectives on this.

We see two basic approaches, the first being appropriate for the quick visits with family members that you rarely see (the fly by's) and the second is for longer visits with family members that you want to build strong relationships with because they will have a bigger, lasting influence on your child's life (the take roots).  In both cases, your number one priority is your child. That might mean that your palms sweat and your heart races and you cause huge family upsets because you are not fitting into the established dynamic, but hopefully not.

Fly By Family Visits

This is great uncle Al who sees your kids for a couple of days a year, maybe, and who is not a central character in your life. He may do many things that challenge you and bother you because they go against what you believe in and are trying to cultivate with your children. He bribes them, says 'good job' a gazillion times an hour, tells them what to do, doesn't listen, pats them on the head, says 'don't cry', 'be good', 'that's naughty' and otherwise causes strong feelings in both you and your child.

OFFER YOUR CHILD EMPATHY in the moment, even if it is in front of everyone. "You look sad. Are you not enjoying the way Uncle Al is talking to you? It's different than what you are used to, isn't it. He has a different way of trying to connect with you. Can I hold you? Do you need some space? It's different for you. It looks like you are confused. Do you want me to tell him anything for you?"

If your child is old enough then you can talk about the visitors BEFORE they arrive and prep them about how different they may talk or be. You can brainstorm strategies to help if the child becomes uncomfortable or wants some support from you. You can let your child know that it's not about him or what he says or does, it's just how that person is used to talking to kids. Help your child develop empathy or even curiosity about the situation but don't expect them to be able to be empathic in the moment. Allow all of their feelings to be ok. 

"I hate Uncle Al"

"You are having some really strong feelings right now. You hate him. You don't like the way he talks to you."

If you have a lot of baggage with family members, it can be challenging to keep that separate from your child's feelings. Maybe you want her to hate Uncle Al and feel conflicted when she seems to be fine about it! Allow all of YOUR feelings to be ok too.

REQUESTS

You could make some simple requests (Would you be willing to stop patting her on the head, but on the back instead? ) but you can conserve your energy and focus it on you and your children, rather than trying to change him. This is where you let go and love your child.

HUMOR

Some people are able to finesse this, however, it is dicey. Most humor is degrading to someone (usually yourself or the child), especially sarcasm, so tread carefully here.

Take Root Family Visits

These are longer visits and/or with family that are significant for you and your children. You want the to have an influence, so then, how do you address the key issues and what do you let go of?

Write a list of everything Auntie Alice does that you have feelings about. Consider what is going on for you. What are those feelings, what are the values/beliefs behind those feelings? When she says "you are so silly", you feel irritated. Hmm. Are you wanting your child to be respected and you consider "silly" to be like name calling-demeaning and hurtful? Then, consider what is going on for her. She is probably wanting to be playful and connect and have fun. You want the same thing, but you don't enjoy the strategy she is choosing. 

STRATEGIES

This is what most of our disputes boil down to. We are choosing different strategies while our needs and interests may be very similar if not the same. We all want our children to be healthy, but one person uses strategy of vegetarian and the other believes meat meat meat to be healthy. You want your child to be considerate of others and so does Auntie Alice. You don't tell your child to "say thank you" because you don't think this develops genuine consideration. Auntie Alice is horrified. Her strategy for developing consideration (which she probably calls 'manners') is to insist that your child says thank you every time. It's easier to be empathic when you can see the intent behind the behavior.

When you go over the list you create of all of the things that bother you, decide which ones matter most to you and which you are willing to let go of. Then talk to Auntie Alice about how important she is in your life and your child's life.

"We are choosing to parent in a different way and we want you to be part of this with us. We know that it may be uncomfortable for you and that it might take time to change habits (it sure did for us), but this is really important to us. You will have an enormous influence on her life and we want that,  so we'd like to find a way to talk about our approach and see what your thoughts are about it. We've read a couple of great books and it would mean so much to us if you would take a look at them. We value consistency and want you to be part of the team of important caregivers in her life. These are the things that matter most to us...(helpful to make specific requests here-when you ask her to do something, will you give her information about why you want her to do that? She is used to that and

Then, continue to support Auntie Alice by sending articles, blogs, books so that she can choose to look at them or not, rather than always hearing it from you. Allow her to learn as she goes and try to be open and empathic along the way.  

Family. When my first child was born, this word became something else altogether, something of much greater magnitude.  Our children weave our families into our lives and hold us there, no matter what. I feel more and more grateful over time for our family...their willingness to learn about what we are doing, to grow and change, and their devotion to these little people. Thank you for that, over and over again.

Comments

[Angela]

this one hits home big time. i have experienced a roller coaster with family and emotions over how different we do things. and, the holidays have always been the toughest. i think the main thing is to be confident and over time this gets to be less wavering. like you said, kris, your number one priority is your child. i think it gets sticky when you don't want to offend a loved one, when you don't want to come across as all-knowing or rigid, but bottom line the repercussions on you and your child is so much worse after holiday visits if you just allow a little bit of sugar sweet you don't normally consume, or allow the pats on the head, etc. the way i try to look at it is to be an advocate for my child knowing what is best in the long run. be the bad guy if you have to. but, know that it takes time to know the best approach to take with each family member. my oldest son is 9 and it took us many, many years and many, many blow-ups and tense situations before we felt confident in standing our ground. there was also lots of positive learning along the way.

the little things you let go of, you can't change someone else's perspective just educate and offer a differing view, and then stand firm for what is most important to you and your child. if i am going to discuss a touchy subject with a relative i usually start with "this is what works for our family or/ for our kids" and reiterate that we all do what is best for own kids.

during the holidays emotions run high, so it is still sometimes very difficult. but, not having family around can be just as hard. we may not see anyone over christmas and new years this year and that prospect is just as tough. wishing you, kris, and everyone who visits this beautiful space a happy, healthy, non-stressful, filled with joy and delight, magical holiday!

[andy]

Hi- I am fairly new to reading your blog and this last post really struck a chord. I am really in need of some concrete examples as to how to go about saying something to counteract the demeaning phrases... for example, when my father-in-law says to my children, "what's the magic word?" What is proper to say at that very moment? Or even for the infamous, "What do you say?"
I am also confused as to what is a better thing to say - when, even I say, "You're so silly."
I need suggestions. I need something more concrete.

I am reading Nuture Shock and just got through the whole not calling your child smart - but recognizing the effort made. I love this - and completely agree... but I need more.

Please help.

I want to go beyond the reward and punishment - but find that I am constantly falling back on that. My oldest is 5.5 and is one touch cookie. He is starting to do really not nice things - and, at times, I am at wits end.
For example (again) - what do you do when he dangles the last piece of [whatever kind of yummy food] in front of his youngest sibling, calls his name in that sing songy way, waits for his eyes to lock on the yummy, and then pops it into his own mouth. Honestly, I find this behavior completely obnoxious... what do you do?
I find myself asking him - why would you do that? and How do you think he feels about that?
But many times it is dismissed with a shrug.
help help help.
I hope you read this.

[Danielle]

Thanks Kris for posting this! So many of my parent friends are struggling with these thoughts right now. Ivy's comments touches on something--judgement. It is hard to let go of feeling judged. Very hard. Thanks again! Hope you are feeling better.

[Ivy]

I really like how you break this down. The Fly-bys and the Roots. This makes sense and I think it really helps to give other references because unfortunately sometimes we're not "expert" enough for other people to believe. Granted, I doubt by father-in-law would believe the other experts either. Everything we do differently he takes to mean we think his way was just wrong. I don't understand why he places that judgment, but he does.