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warm enough to be out scootering
ahhhh. grammy and pep.
dead magpie discovery
THEN....let's get this party started! Balloons, sparkling apple cider, confetti poppers, noise makers and laughing ourselves silly. HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Poor doggies were a little freaked out.
HAPPY NEW YEAR.
HAPPY NEW YEAR.
HAPPY NEW YEAR (in Switzerland, maybe? ...after all, when these festivities went down, the clock read 6pm)
and, how are you???
have a holly jolly yuletide, this year.
may your celebrations light up the fire inside of you, bring aliveness to each moment, and remind you of how fine and sweet you are.
may we let go a little of the grip of our adult minds and melt into believing
may we remember that in the blink of an eye this will all be over and we will be alone, with whole days stretching out before us, without the tug of little hands on our legs asking to be held and nursed and sung to and oh how we will miss it so
may we realize our true nature which is in every tree, snowflake, spiraling wind gust, and dirty counter
may we laugh and play and trust and be.
thank you all for your warm wishes and comments. i look forward to being with you here again in a few days. some of you left specific questions which i am thinking about and will respond to (wanting more concrete examples of how to talk to family, for example). with love for you all.
A unique path. This way of parenting is foreign to lots of people, including family. Being in close proximity for the holidays can create some interesting situations, indeed. How do you handle the differences? How do you navigate tricky family dynamics? What do you let go of and what do you address with them? How do you be at peace yourself so you don't spend the whole holiday stressed and going crazy?
What is the best approach for visits with extended family who find this way of parenting weird, confusing or 'wrong' ?
This question was posed to us last week and we've been talking about it and pondering it because it is relevant to many of us. Let's see if we can offer you some ideas and fresh perspectives on this.
We see two basic approaches, the first being appropriate for the quick visits with family members that you rarely see (the fly by's) and the second is for longer visits with family members that you want to build strong relationships with because they will have a bigger, lasting influence on your child's life (the take roots). In both cases, your number one priority is your child. That might mean that your palms sweat and your heart races and you cause huge family upsets because you are not fitting into the established dynamic, but hopefully not.
Fly By Family Visits
This is great uncle Al who sees your kids for a couple of days a year, maybe, and who is not a central character in your life. He may do many things that challenge you and bother you because they go against what you believe in and are trying to cultivate with your children. He bribes them, says 'good job' a gazillion times an hour, tells them what to do, doesn't listen, pats them on the head, says 'don't cry', 'be good', 'that's naughty' and otherwise causes strong feelings in both you and your child.
OFFER YOUR CHILD EMPATHY in the moment, even if it is in front of everyone. "You look sad. Are you not enjoying the way Uncle Al is talking to you? It's different than what you are used to, isn't it. He has a different way of trying to connect with you. Can I hold you? Do you need some space? It's different for you. It looks like you are confused. Do you want me to tell him anything for you?"
If your child is old enough then you can talk about the visitors BEFORE they arrive and prep them about how different they may talk or be. You can brainstorm strategies to help if the child becomes uncomfortable or wants some support from you. You can let your child know that it's not about him or what he says or does, it's just how that person is used to talking to kids. Help your child develop empathy or even curiosity about the situation but don't expect them to be able to be empathic in the moment. Allow all of their feelings to be ok.
"I hate Uncle Al"
"You are having some really strong feelings right now. You hate him. You don't like the way he talks to you."
If you have a lot of baggage with family members, it can be challenging to keep that separate from your child's feelings. Maybe you want her to hate Uncle Al and feel conflicted when she seems to be fine about it! Allow all of YOUR feelings to be ok too.
REQUESTS
You could make some simple requests (Would you be willing to stop patting her on the head, but on the back instead? ) but you can conserve your energy and focus it on you and your children, rather than trying to change him. This is where you let go and love your child.
HUMOR
Some people are able to finesse this, however, it is dicey. Most humor is degrading to someone (usually yourself or the child), especially sarcasm, so tread carefully here.
Take Root Family Visits
These are longer visits and/or with family that are significant for you and your children. You want the to have an influence, so then, how do you address the key issues and what do you let go of?
Write a list of everything Auntie Alice does that you have feelings about. Consider what is going on for you. What are those feelings, what are the values/beliefs behind those feelings? When she says "you are so silly", you feel irritated. Hmm. Are you wanting your child to be respected and you consider "silly" to be like name calling-demeaning and hurtful? Then, consider what is going on for her. She is probably wanting to be playful and connect and have fun. You want the same thing, but you don't enjoy the strategy she is choosing.
STRATEGIES
This is what most of our disputes boil down to. We are choosing different strategies while our needs and interests may be very similar if not the same. We all want our children to be healthy, but one person uses strategy of vegetarian and the other believes meat meat meat to be healthy. You want your child to be considerate of others and so does Auntie Alice. You don't tell your child to "say thank you" because you don't think this develops genuine consideration. Auntie Alice is horrified. Her strategy for developing consideration (which she probably calls 'manners') is to insist that your child says thank you every time. It's easier to be empathic when you can see the intent behind the behavior.
When you go over the list you create of all of the things that bother you, decide which ones matter most to you and which you are willing to let go of. Then talk to Auntie Alice about how important she is in your life and your child's life.
"We are choosing to parent in a different way and we want you to be part of this with us. We know that it may be uncomfortable for you and that it might take time to change habits (it sure did for us), but this is really important to us. You will have an enormous influence on her life and we want that, so we'd like to find a way to talk about our approach and see what your thoughts are about it. We've read a couple of great books and it would mean so much to us if you would take a look at them. We value consistency and want you to be part of the team of important caregivers in her life. These are the things that matter most to us...(helpful to make specific requests here-when you ask her to do something, will you give her information about why you want her to do that? She is used to that and
Then, continue to support Auntie Alice by sending articles, blogs, books so that she can choose to look at them or not, rather than always hearing it from you. Allow her to learn as she goes and try to be open and empathic along the way.
Family. When my first child was born, this word became something else altogether, something of much greater magnitude. Our children weave our families into our lives and hold us there, no matter what. I feel more and more grateful over time for our family...their willingness to learn about what we are doing, to grow and change, and their devotion to these little people. Thank you for that, over and over again.
The Solstice elves visited us today and left sparkles and other forms of magic. Good thing, too, cause i have been saaaaaadddddd and utterly dissatisfied. In such a funk that I almost wrote you to ask you to read back to me everything I've mentioned about joy. heehee.
Then, I came upon this:
Don't grieve.
Anything you lose comes
round in another form.
The child weaned from mother's milk
now drinks wine and honey mixed.
Kabir
How is it that I EVER lose site of the beauty that pulses and thrums inside every single thing?
LAST CHANCE TO WIN...ONE MORE HOUR AND WINNER WILL BE ANNOUNCED.
Two mamas making the yummiest clothes for kids ever. Their name is Hand Full which stands for Hand Made Full of Love!
This is how they describe what they do:
Welcome to hand full where we mindfully create handmade organic clothing dedicated to our playful children.
We hand-dye organic cotton/hemp blends in knit, stretch, and fleece to
create these fun clothes. If you have not handled this type of fabrics
you will be pleasantly surprised of the soft and cozy texture. Our
sizes our roomy to grow as your children do and our clothes look great
layered.
Visit us on our blog: http://www.handmadefulloflove.blogspot.com
They include gratitudes each blog post, which I love. And if you want to learn more about them (they are so adorable AND inspiring, these crafty mamas, I just cannot get enough, then check out this interview.
We are so grateful to be connected with them and have them offer support for this blog! Because this is such a juicy giveaway (valued at $67), comments will be open until Solstice. I will announce the winner that night or the next morning. Good luck!
Here is the giveaway they are offering...Size 3 Childrens Organic Poncho. Hand-dyed and made with Organic Cotton and
Hemp Blend Fleece.
AND THE WINNER IS CARRIE:
i love a poncho oops too small for me my sweet baby girl hopefully will love ponchos as much as i have for 42 years xxcarrie
CONGRATULATIONS. Thank you Susan and Rebecca and to everyone who joined in the fun. Send me an email with your address, Carrie and we will ship that gorgeous poncho your way! kris@feeleez.com
This time of year is full.
I talk so much about joy here...finding your joy, living your joy, allowing joy. Yes.
AND then there is the dark side of grief. loss. emptiness.
Joy and sorrow. Can we stretch ourselves into both corners, feel fully everything as it arises, without judgment or fixing? Joy is the easy part. Can we make space for its shadow?
Tonite, I am acutely aware of dear ones going through brutally tough times and I want to honour your struggle here.
:: Kelli in New Orleans watching your 10 year old son undergo painful, invasive medical testing to find out what the next round of treatments/plan/outlook is with the Hirschprungs disease you live with.
:: Heidi full of pain for past hurts, struggling to find peace with yourself, sad and frustrated and despairing that you are in this place, longing to just love yourself.
:: Elaine approaching the date of your son's brain surgery after months and months of sorrow and work, empty of peace and joy, exhausted, yearning for your own healing too.
:: Amy's sweet baby Gabe is in the hospital with pneumonia.
:: and for every mama who is caring for a sick child, mourning, exhausted, lonely, overwhelmed with too much to do, ending a relationship, missing someone you love, sad, wishing things were different...
It is hard to lean into the darkness, to let it have its way with us.
When Death Comes - Mary Oliver
When death comes
Oh my oh my how I love this shop. If you are looking for any last minute gift ideas, do visit. We are fortunate enough here in Missoula to get to visit Erika in person, but the store does have an online
presence, so you can enjoy too!
Erika is a mama to two beautiful boys. She has created quite a hub in our community in the warm and inviting store. So many gorgeous natural toys: instruments, art supplies, silks, waldorf dolls, building blocks, riding things, and more. There is a big play area in the back where mamas and kiddos often connect and play together.
Erika has been a supporter of Feeleez and NPC since the very beginning, carrying the game and poster and offering giveaways on this blog. We are so grateful. Once again, she has something to share. You can enter to win this toy
Isn't it sweet? I was going to wait until the weekend then realized that you might want to send it off to someone you love for a holiday treat, so here it is! Simply enter a comment below and you will be part of the draw. I will announce the winner here tomorrow so please check back to see if you've won.
If you are looking for any gift ideas, please check out all of the NPC sponsors. There are some wonderful things there for you. We are so grateful to them for being part of this blog, sharing their thoughtfully created businesses with all of us.
Thank you Walking Stick Toys.
And the winner is
Rebecca LeVander
I LOVE natural toys. I have one toddler and a baby due in 3 weeks who would love this.
Congratulations and thank you Erika and everyone who commented. We have another amazing giveaway coming up (thanks to Handfull) which I'm so excited about.
Here are a few snaps of life around here these past few days...
mom, that's how i was feeling
This is when it really matters...your dedication to keeping the holidays simple and sweet.
Let the frenzy just wash right over you and pass on by.
Start creating a list of what you will NOT be doing, even though you might have loved to.
I've been reminding myself that things will not create lasting happiness, so let there be a few material delights and then an enormous, unwavering gush of loving energy flowing from you outward into the world. THAT is what matters.
Let it stay simple. Really, it's more than ok.
Thank you all for writing your thoughts about what you are needing through holidays. I'm going to pause the 21 Day Parenting Challenge until the new year, though I will continue to post through the holidays because this may be the time we need each other most! Natalie and I are working on a post (hoping to make it with audio, though these technical things stump me) about how to enjoy visits with family and navigate challenges that arise. Wishing you love.
