Day 12 and more...

baby elliott

I was all set to compose the challenge for you.

And then I went to read Natalie's blog about nursing her almost three year old.  Here it is.

I started crying as I wrote a comment to her. Then I read Hilaree's comment  about nursing three children. (Her blog is here).

And now I am bawling. can't. stop. sobbing.

It's crazy because the reason for my sad, sadness is very much about today's challenge. To list the supposed-to's and shoulds you carry around about your children.

::children are supposed to be weaned (not allowed to choose when they want to stop).

::children are supposed to stop nursing by whatever young age, a little after one? certainly not up to 3 or older

::children are supposed to stop nursing before the next baby is born

(I might not get past the nursing category of my shoulds tonite...there is something really painful here.)

I am crying because I didn't know then what I know now and oh how I wish I did.  I didn't listen to myself, and insteadI listened to the prevailing norms. I didn't seek out other examples which showed me what's possible. I didn't figure that out myself. (This goes against the "so what" post. I can't "so what" this. It is too big.)

I have regrets and they are based on the shoulds I carried around that WERE NOT MY OWN. I took them on from others and, even though they felt horribly wrong, I did them anyways.

::giving Elliott his first set of vaccinations

::weaning him instead of letting him decide for himself

::telling him that nursing hurt (I was pregnant with Sascha).  He is such a sensitive boy that he has been afraid of trying to nurse and of hurting me ever since. That is his lingering memory...that he hurt me when he nursed

::leaving him to work (even though he was with Natalie and even though it was only 8 hours a week) when he was 10 months old

::sneaking away from him when I left him to work

::not sticking the nursing out so that I could tandem nurse my two babes

There are others too...

You know, it's not that I'm sad because I think I've caused some irreparable damage (I can hear people telling me, don't be silly...he'll be fine).  I am sad, maybe even broken hearted, because I made decisions that FELT SO WRONG in the moment. I didn't trust my intuition. I caved in the face of convention. And I do believe that all of these decisions were hurtful to him and to our relationship.

I'm scared sending this post out. I don't want sympathy. More than anything, I want to feel what I am feeling because there is big stuff in this for me. Whatever your big stuff is, just feel it. Don't let anyone fix it or talk you out of it or tell you that it's wrong or silly. And find people who help you be YOU.

Thank you, Natalie. You lift the car off of me on a regular basis.

There may be apart of you that wants change in some way, that isn't okay with how you are, but my hope is that you will realize that you can become accepting and compassionate for that part, rather than trying to change it. This part of you is nothing more that the yearning, the longing to simply be who you are, to be loved for who you are without thinking that you have to be or do anything.

Robert Gonzales

Comments

[Angela]

thank you for sharing, your ability to be real is helping me in so many ways. i have huge regrets from when my first baby was little, to my subsequent birth experiences, to fighting my intuition along the way. i think the hardest part, and this one makes me sob, is that i fought myself for so many years, trying to block out the negative comments i received from others at the same time as fighting my own beliefs. i mean really fought, anxiety attack fought, what was i thinking?

the only thing that has sustained me is that with each time i have learned to stand up more and know that my intuition is best for my kids, i guess i have become stronger and my voice clearer. and, you know what, there is some kind of power in just writing this out. i will work on making a list of all my regrets, maybe just getting them on paper will help in the release. thank you, kris, for being so brave in sharing your feelings and for helping me connect with mine.

[Martha]

It can be so difficult to know with assurance what is happening and who one is in those first days and months of becoming a mother (or father). So much learning, insecurity, fear, amazement, ambivalence, more. What am I ready for? All the learning, and the pain of regret. So much of life depends on a state of readiness. It seems to me that you didn't so much cave to convention in those early choices; maybe you were less ready than you might be now to follow the way that feels more comfortable to you, that you had to learn, over the time that has passed, is passing.

[betsy mathews]

Thanks Kris.

[anne]

I needed this exact post today. Thank you.

[Asha]

Yeah, I was told by my doctor to stop nursing my then 15 month old because it may cause a miscarriage (I was pregnant). So I did and it was really easy, he weaned so easily that I don't feel it affected him negatively. I read up on it AFTER the weaning and learned my doctor was full of crap. Right now I feel bad because I'm still nursing my second child, she's 3 1/2!!!! I feel like it's my dirty little secret because close family (who are the only ones who know) make negative comments to me. I don't see the big deal, it's to comfort her when she's tired mostly. I stopped nursing her to sleep a while ago and it's working out. A little comfort here and there throughout the day seems harmless to me.

[kris laroche]

oh friends. i am feeling all loved up by you all. thank you for sharing back. we are not alone. nothing we feel is original! i am grateful for all of you.

[Shelly]

One of my bigger regrets (so far) is listening after giving birth at the hospital. The nurses scared me so bad about our baby boy getting cold that we didn't even see him naked until our 2nd day there and then it was my husband who did it. He was also the first to do skin to skin contact. I feel this made me slow to bond.
Another is not even having heard of attachment parenting until he was 6 mos old. I was following his cues, but having huge emotional conflicts between what he required, what I wanted to do, what I was being told was "right", and what I thought I should do.
I also try to keep in mind that I'm trying to listen openly to different parenting ideas, reading tons of books, and listening to my heart and my son for what is best for him.

[carrie]

regret sucks.......
thanks for giving me the opportunity to not FIX
just in reading this and not fixing you i am mindful to not fix my boy as he expresses himself
this is a hard one for me
so thanks for the opportunity
happy mothering to you
xxxcarrie

[Helen]

I look back too and realise that if I had known then what I know now I would have made different choices with my first baby. But I also know that those choices made were not taken lightly and I did the best I could. I value what experience has taught me because my other two children have benefited - and my first often tells me it was him who taught me how to be a mother.

[Jenniesmith@gmail.com]

Thank you for sharing. And feeling. And being honest and present with us and for us.

[crystal]

beautiful post - very raw emotions. thank you for sharing. so many of us have made decision like this...your post made me stop and think. thank you.