Day 14: 21 Day Parenting Challenge

Everyone's got baggage. Just be sure yours is the carry-on kind.

famous quote from my dad

Challenge: rethink every single thing that comes out of your mouth. Say nothing for at least three seconds.

There must be several hundred parenting platitudes. These are the oh so common utterances which spill out of the mouths of well-meaning adults unconsciously. They are habitual and automatic. We must rethink all of them.

Eliminate every cliche that you say to your child. Why? Because they are not helpful. They will not achieve the outcome we desire, they are confusing or mean nothing to a child, and because they are dead soil for germinating our presence and authenticity.

What are some of them?

be nice

you have to share

just stop it

that's enough

say thank you

be careful

we don't hit

what do you say?

use your manners

if you don't share then we are going to...

next time you will not be coming if you don't...

good job

What else? What are the things that you say that indicate you are on autopilot?

Today, I witnessed an interaction sans platitudes which exemplified unconditional love without permissiveness. We met Natalie and Echo for tea. There was a pile of playdough on the table when we arrived. For several minutes, all three kids grooved together. Then, Sascha went for the bag Echo had just received as a gift and Echo panicked. She started crying and taking everything off the table, no longer willing to offer up any of her wares for play. Natalie talked lovingly to her.

We brought all this playdough for everyone to share.

Crying.

I want  Elliott and Sascha to be able to play with this too.

Are you worried that they are going to take this home?

Yeah...crying.

We will take all of this home with us when we go. They will not be taking it. Let's keep it on the table while we are here, though, so everyone can have some.

No...crying. Tug-of-war ensues with crying on both sides.

I ask Saschy if we can talk about it and if she would let go and she does (phew). Echo is grasping for lumps of dough.

Natalie picks her up and holds her lovingly and walks away to a quiet place to talk about it. They talk for 10 minutes or so and then come back. Echo takes two small chunks of playdough and puts them in the bag and tucks those away. Everything else is up for grabs. She is content.

Can you list the cliches that could have been used here but weren't?

It takes much practice, skill and modelling for us to learn to speak authentically and lovingly to our children. While that continues to brew within us, we can gather momentum by NOT saying the automatic, unconscious words and phrases that disconnect us from our kids and from ourselves.

Comments

[Angela]

i am catching myself more and more lately when i fall into autopilot, especially when it comes to say hi, or thank you, or good job. still tough sometimes when mama is overtired or overextended with three going three different directions, but i am catching myself more, so thank you for this space as a constant place of uplift.

[kris laroche]

carrie. thank you dearly for this.

[carrie]

the more i take time within my mothering to light my own fire--so to speak---
reading inspiring stuff---journalling ect
the more patient i am becoming
as i sat and meditated the other morn with my 3 kids all over me instead of feeling frustrated i chose to feel grateful for all this life around me.
My sense of humor is coming back an i'm having more fun
just wanted to share
xxxcarrie

[gen]

I am trying so hard to be more aware of what I am saying and how I am saying it. I have been reading a book, Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline and her whole premise is the idea that is us that has to change not our children. That each moment is an opportunity to teach and that when we assume a negative intent behind their actions, words or behaviour we begin a cycle of shaming even if that is not our intent.

I am finding it so hard right now though. I am so tired and so frustrated and so spiralled down that it is so easy to go back to the old patterns of thought and behaviour. Yet I can see the pain that this inflicts on both my daughter and me.

[carrie]

i love it
i'm in
xxxcarrie

[Jenniesmith@gmail.com]

So true that we try and shelter others from our child's feelings/behaviors.

You all should make a pocket flip book of phrases to use. I would buy it and read it often, so I would have a stash of things that were programmed into my head that were good and not disconnecting. :)

[Natalie]

I remember catching glimpses of other people's reactions to the screaming- uncomfortable laughter, maybe an eye roll or two. But when we walked back through the cafe, I thought I could feel a collective sigh of peace and relief. I think that even though they were bothered by the intensity of Echo's reactions, they were so glad that things ended peacefully, and that they got to see Echo rejoin the table. It seemed almost therapeutic for everyone. I think sometimes we think we are giving our kids these platitudes-"you have to share! use your indoor voice! we're going to leave if you can't be nice to your friends!"- in order to protect the people around us from our child's behavior but I think, perhaps, it does them a greater service to see two people genuinely work something out.