natural parenting center

Day 15: 21 Day Parenting Challenge

We needn't do this alone.

Challenge: Create the community you dream of, starting with one empathy friend.

I have been reading your comments and sensing how lonely this journey is for many of you. That is so much the way parenting can be. Mamas and Papas wanting to raise their children differently, challenge the status quo, make deep changes within themselves, and finding it harder than they want it to be.

We need to do this together. Community. Being with other parents who are committed to the same kind of parenting as you are, who accept you and your children, who listen and care. People you can be yourself with, inspiring each other to be more.

If you don't have this, then is it possible to create it for yourself? You are allowed to be choosey in the people you hang out with. Start a small playgroup with one or two or three other families who you sense that kindred connection with. Tell them that you want to make it a conscious parenting group so that you can talk about your struggles without spiraling downward into venting and complaining and so that you can share resources, readings, ideas that uplift you and leave you feeling fulfilled and on the path you want.

You can start small, and this is the challenge today. Within the next 2 days, find an empathy buddy. Design a structure together. We will talk on the phone on Wednesdays around 10am for thirty minutes. You will talk for 15 minutes and I will offer you nothing but empathy. No fixing, advising, storytelling, turning it back to yourself, or analyzing. Then switch. Talk about how it went for 3-4 minutes at the end. If you want, you can even rate how it felt to you on a scale of 1-10. Tell the truth. Allow yourself to be imperfect. Learn something new. Be bold.

You can use this space here to connect with someone if you want. Give this to yourself and someone else. We need each other.

Day 14: 21 Day Parenting Challenge

Everyone's got baggage. Just be sure yours is the carry-on kind.

famous quote from my dad

Challenge: rethink every single thing that comes out of your mouth. Say nothing for at least three seconds.

There must be several hundred parenting platitudes. These are the oh so common utterances which spill out of the mouths of well-meaning adults unconsciously. They are habitual and automatic. We must rethink all of them.

Eliminate every cliche that you say to your child. Why? Because they are not helpful. They will not achieve the outcome we desire, they are confusing or mean nothing to a child, and because they are dead soil for germinating our presence and authenticity.

What are some of them?

be nice

you have to share

just stop it

that's enough

say thank you

be careful

we don't hit

what do you say?

use your manners

if you don't share then we are going to...

next time you will not be coming if you don't...

good job

What else? What are the things that you say that indicate you are on autopilot?

Today, I witnessed an interaction sans platitudes which exemplified unconditional love without permissiveness. We met Natalie and Echo for tea. There was a pile of playdough on the table when we arrived. For several minutes, all three kids grooved together. Then, Sascha went for the bag Echo had just received as a gift and Echo panicked. She started crying and taking everything off the table, no longer willing to offer up any of her wares for play. Natalie talked lovingly to her.

We brought all this playdough for everyone to share.

Crying.

I want  Elliott and Sascha to be able to play with this too.

Are you worried that they are going to take this home?

Yeah...crying.

We will take all of this home with us when we go. They will not be taking it. Let's keep it on the table while we are here, though, so everyone can have some.

No...crying. Tug-of-war ensues with crying on both sides.

I ask Saschy if we can talk about it and if she would let go and she does (phew). Echo is grasping for lumps of dough.

Natalie picks her up and holds her lovingly and walks away to a quiet place to talk about it. They talk for 10 minutes or so and then come back. Echo takes two small chunks of playdough and puts them in the bag and tucks those away. Everything else is up for grabs. She is content.

Can you list the cliches that could have been used here but weren't?

It takes much practice, skill and modelling for us to learn to speak authentically and lovingly to our children. While that continues to brew within us, we can gather momentum by NOT saying the automatic, unconscious words and phrases that disconnect us from our kids and from ourselves.

discovery

Papa Tim worked this weekend teaching an avalanche course, so we got to be together as a family today. We love this because of the chance to do things with fewer people around. It feels like we are on some sweet little secret mission to find fun. Took a trip to Discovery Ski Area to play in the snow.

At one point, both kids were calling out "freshies" (as in fresh snow) as they zoomed down the hill, flakes flying. oh joy.

Day 13: 21 Day Parenting Challenge

Thank you Martha, Betsy, Asha, Shelly, Carrie, Helen, Jennie, Crystal for your sweet words. I considered erasing that last post, so raw it felt, and then as I'd open the screen and receive another message from one of you, my timidness eased. I am so grateful for your willingness to just "be with" me. 

And to all the rest of you, thank you as well. Just for being here.

Another quote from Robert Gonzales:

We enter into life seeking unconditional love. And as young children, every one of us received something other than unconditional love. When this happens, that beautiful, innocent, naturally loving, creative force in us is wounded and pulls back from life and is contracted. We create defensive structures that exist in our body, brain and heart to protect ourselves from being hurt again. We also create habits and all kinds of strategies to manage our pain or completely deny it. Whatever those habituated strategies we create, they serve to encapsulate and protect something that is very precious in us, that deeply authentic, vulnerable part of us.

Here is our challenge today:

Step one: Write down any experience in your life of unconditional love. Describe it in detail (or remember it if you aren't writing). Bring back that feeling in your body.

Can you think of one? It is possible that you cannot. If not, first, feel that. What's it like to never have experienced that. Then, if you can, imagine what it would feel like to be loved unconditionally. Where you can do NO wrong in the other person's eyes. It is not that they are praising everything you do and complimenting you, not at all. It's that you are completely accepted, not evaluated (either good or bad), you are simply allowed to be you and loved for that.

Step two: Imagine yourself  that beautiful, innocent, natural creative force pulsing through you and guiding your every thought, feeling, action. Just imagine that! (As I have been feeling so contracted, scared, sad these past few days, as I envision this in me, tears come and a smile as well.  I can feel the cold, hard defenses melting and my chest opening and body relaxing.)THAT is who we really are. What if we acted like we KNEW and BELIEVED that all the time? whoa.)

Step three: Find a picture of yourself which is that. This is mine. Look at it often.

Day 12 and more...

baby elliott

I was all set to compose the challenge for you.

And then I went to read Natalie's blog about nursing her almost three year old.  Here it is.

I started crying as I wrote a comment to her. Then I read Hilaree's comment  about nursing three children. (Her blog is here).

And now I am bawling. can't. stop. sobbing.

It's crazy because the reason for my sad, sadness is very much about today's challenge. To list the supposed-to's and shoulds you carry around about your children.

::children are supposed to be weaned (not allowed to choose when they want to stop).

::children are supposed to stop nursing by whatever young age, a little after one? certainly not up to 3 or older

::children are supposed to stop nursing before the next baby is born

(I might not get past the nursing category of my shoulds tonite...there is something really painful here.)

I am crying because I didn't know then what I know now and oh how I wish I did.  I didn't listen to myself, and insteadI listened to the prevailing norms. I didn't seek out other examples which showed me what's possible. I didn't figure that out myself. (This goes against the "so what" post. I can't "so what" this. It is too big.)

I have regrets and they are based on the shoulds I carried around that WERE NOT MY OWN. I took them on from others and, even though they felt horribly wrong, I did them anyways.

::giving Elliott his first set of vaccinations

::weaning him instead of letting him decide for himself

::telling him that nursing hurt (I was pregnant with Sascha).  He is such a sensitive boy that he has been afraid of trying to nurse and of hurting me ever since. That is his lingering memory...that he hurt me when he nursed

::leaving him to work (even though he was with Natalie and even though it was only 8 hours a week) when he was 10 months old

::sneaking away from him when I left him to work

::not sticking the nursing out so that I could tandem nurse my two babes

There are others too...

You know, it's not that I'm sad because I think I've caused some irreparable damage (I can hear people telling me, don't be silly...he'll be fine).  I am sad, maybe even broken hearted, because I made decisions that FELT SO WRONG in the moment. I didn't trust my intuition. I caved in the face of convention. And I do believe that all of these decisions were hurtful to him and to our relationship.

I'm scared sending this post out. I don't want sympathy. More than anything, I want to feel what I am feeling because there is big stuff in this for me. Whatever your big stuff is, just feel it. Don't let anyone fix it or talk you out of it or tell you that it's wrong or silly. And find people who help you be YOU.

Thank you, Natalie. You lift the car off of me on a regular basis.

There may be apart of you that wants change in some way, that isn't okay with how you are, but my hope is that you will realize that you can become accepting and compassionate for that part, rather than trying to change it. This part of you is nothing more that the yearning, the longing to simply be who you are, to be loved for who you are without thinking that you have to be or do anything.

Robert Gonzales

Day 11: 21 Day Parenting Challenge

Your Inner Being feels no limit.

So, anything that feels like limits is something that you have self-imposed.

abraham-hicks

Challenge: Free yourself of all of the "shoulds" and "supposed-to's".

This is a big one. Just imagine what it would be like to set yourself free of all of the self-imposed rules that live by. Your unconscious is jam-packed with them. In order to be conscious and to make decisions that are genuinely right for us, we have to first strip away what is NOT ours. Remember the onion?

So, let's make a list.

What are all the supposed to's and shoulds that you are dragging around with you. Make this list specifically about yourself. 

Here are some of my own, mixed in with other dear ones I know...

I am supposed to:

::cook homemade meals and not rely on any packaged food

::stay in touch with friends and family, including remembering birthdays and thank you cards

::have a clean house

::be thin and toned (and it was supposed to happen within about 6 weeks of giving birth)

::want to take breaks from my children ("you have to look after yourself, you know")

::go on "dates" with my husband ("you have to take time for your relationship, you know")

(or the opposite-you are supposed to NOT want to take breaks and you are a horrible mother if you do)

::enjoy playing whatever game my kids want to play and never feel bored or uninterested

::look great and have cute clothes (or maybe I've got a little of the opposite going on where I'm supposed not look great because that means I'm spending time on my appearance when I should be playing with my kids?? hmmm)

:: guess what people want (and give it to them) without hearing any specific request (the underground style of communication that we are all so used to dealing with!)

::be knowledgeable about current events and able to discuss them (or maybe some of you have the should of not discussing current events and only talking about your kids)

::always be empathic and never talk about myself

::be enlightened

::look younger than I do

::not need anything from anyone

::be happy all the time

::enjoy complaining about my kids and need to "vent"

::never drink caffeine or eat sugar

Oh the list goes on. Grab a pen and start writing your list (or write your list here, if you are willing to share.) There will be many shoulds that you aren't even conscious of, which limit you without your awareness. The way to shine the light on these is to notice in your body when you feel ANY kind of constriction. There's a should (limiting belief) under there somewhere. 

Let's bust down those brick walls.

who's in charge here?

Just look at her.

Sassy, confident, overflowing with gusto, fearless, hungry to live. She has moved through this world with her heart way out in front since she first showed up here. Now, that is the way to live.

Here's what I've come upon as a way to stay the course when fears and doubts crowd out my joie de vivre.

SO WHAT?

We each have different voices in our minds. Sometimes you might wonder, who is in charge here, anyways?? Is it the primitive brain voice of fear and worry? Is it the supposed to's, the shoulds? Is it the last person who criticized you? Is it your own judge or inner critical parent? Or is it the voice you WANT to be in charge? The one full of sass and vinegar who is always rooting for your best interests, who knows KNOWS what matters. The voice that is tapped into the Source of everything, who IS the Source (and who is the real you).

When in doubt, try out the So What technique. Let me show you how it works, or it least how it has been working to filter out the wildness of my own mind.

 I yelled at Elliott yesterday.

SO WHAT?

My belly is bigger and softer than I like,  and think I'm no longer allowed to pull the "I just had a baby" card.

SO WHAT?

I eat chocolate and drink coffee.

SO WHAT?

I've been obsessive about sewing and knitting lately.

SO WHAT?

My 4.5 year old doesn't know the alphabet.

SO WHAT?

I am not good at routine so we don't have a consistent rhythm around here like the Waldorf tradition says you should.

SO WHAT?

There is some plastic in our house.

SO WHAT?

I love spending money on beautiful things.

SO WHAT?

I prefer email to phone, much of the time.

SO WHAT?

See how it lightens things up? For me, it provides a little relief from the self-recriminations and judgment that can be so burdensome at times. You can make a list of things you do/don't do that you think you should and you can also make a list of things that you think you are good at or pride yourself on.

The so what reminds us that we are tiny specks on a ball of dust floating around in space. Our little dramas are so little. It is a helpful way for me to remember to accept everything just the way it is. I'm ok. You are fine. The world is ok, too. Even the worst suffering we witness has an ok-ness at its core. If for no other reason than it is all life itself.

These crazy minds of ours want us to see it differently. Especially our primitive brains which take over when we are stressed. To be our full selves, to parent the way we want, to experience unwavering joy, we must rewire our brains. That requires ten thousand times over hearing the message that WE ARE LOVEable. Just as we are.

childrening

Thank you, Mr. King.

Thank you to the shoulders we stand on, the freedom builders throughout history. People who took chances, rejected the need to be popular, believed fiercely in something big, went against what everyone else seemed to think was normal and ok.

We live as we do because of you.

Seth Goddin offered this up on his blog today:

Find a calling and then deliver.

“If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michelangelo painted or Beethoven composed music or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, ‘Here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well.’” – Martin Luther King, Jr.   

Parenting is rarely thought of as a calling. Maybe because it's so common place, or because of the taboo around talking about it as an endeavor unto itself. Maybe it's not considered a calling because we don't get paid for it, and therefore society (our own egos?) doesn't offer praise and rewards for a job well done.

Regardless of the reason, parenting is a calling for some. If you are reading this blog, then you certainly fit this bill. Studying, journaling, discussing, learning, reflecting, meditating, improving, growing, deepening our awareness everyday and wanting, always wanting, to do better, to BE more. Watching, observing, shifting, shaping, responding, wondering, witnessing these small people each day. Putting this practice, this parenting practice at the center.

As a calling, perhaps parenting would be better suited to the term "childrening", which Nathan created. Childrening, because this is as much about them as it is about us. Childrening is about allowing them to be called forth, rather than about changing them to fit into our molds.

There is a revolution afoot. And you are part of it. Conscious parenting is the most radical act of social change possible. You are creating a future that is worthy of our children. Every day that you choose to connect with your child instead of control, that you question yourself, that you share your real feelings, that you dig underneath your anger, that you slow down and observe, that you stand up for your child instead of smiling politely and going along. (Tabitha writes about this in her article "Parenting...A Radical Political Act in Synergy magazine. I wanted to include link for you but it's not working right now-worth checking out when you can.)

Every time you take a chance, reject the need to be popular, believe fiercely that this is something big, and go against what everyone else seems to think is normal and ok for the sake of compassion and connection and unconditional loving presence, you are part of this underground life affirming movement.

Every time you hold your child when he hits his sister, instead of sending him to time out. 

Every time that you put your knitting or cooking or phone conversation down because your child wants you to talk for the fairy.

Every time that you run into the bedroom to nurse and soothe a waking toddler.

Every time that you smile and tell that person that you'd prefer he didn't speak to your child like that.

Every time that you ignore the advice in the book because it goes against what feels good to you.

And every time you forgive yourself when you fall back on old habits, ignore intution and heart, yell or threaten or have a moment of "asshole parenting", being less than you want to be.

I have a dream.  We have a dream.

We are living it into reality every single day.

impact

We've spent the last couple of days more simply, at home, after being out in the world a whole lot this past week. Children's museum, open play at gymnastics, and a whole day at the outdoor rink.

Being out in the world has an impact. On me. On these little people.

There are times when I feel discouraged and sad about the way that so many people interact with children.

"Your boots are on the wrong feet!"

"You are a good skater."

"Why aren't you in school?"

"You are going to have to take your thumb out of your mouth so I can hear you."

I do believe that people think they are being helpful. I do believe that sometimes I am more sensitive and bothered than other times (meaning this is MY burden, not others).  I do believe that I don't want to expent energy trying to change anyone who isn't already interested and curious and poised for learning to interact differently.

It's just that....oh and I might start crying here...I want to create a life where we don't have to travel down the main stream at all, where we can meander along the side channels, the windier, slower, more thoughtful path, happily. I do want to protect them (and me) from the impact of society at large, regardless of how well-meaning that society may be.

But how? 

I guess we just keep on with what we are doing. Spending lots of days like this, playing and sewing and cooking together at home.

And on those occassions when we don't or can't, and I see the impact on all of us, well I guess then we just feel whatever feelings come along with that. We talk about how different people can be. I ask questions.

And just let the sadness be.

Day 10: 21 Day Parenting Challenge

Challenge: Let yourself be SEEN.

What part of you are you hiding away from the world?

What would it feel like to be seen for who you really are ?

If you gave yourself permission to be bold, what would that look like?

Perhaps if we see ourselves in the way that we so long for others to see us, we wouldn't be so scared to SHOW UP COMPLETELY.

How would all this impact your relationship with your children?