being secure within yourself

What does it mean to be secure? What is the difference between people who feel secure and people who feel insecure? What does it take to raise children who are secure within themselves? What does it take to eliminate our own insecurities?

I'm thinking about this these days because I've been spending time around this family. Like Natalie, I am moved, not only by the birth of this sweet pea of a girl and her remarkable mother, but also by the whole family. Elliott and Sascha and I showed up for a visit there two days after the birth and the house was so quiet and still. As we moved into the living room, people started flowing down from upstairs...mama and babe, big sister, auntie, grandma, other grandma and then we all sat together in the living room.

Have you ever been around an entire group of people who have are completely and totally genuine and loving and real? I mean zero pretenses, small talk, fake nicey nice? The air around them all hums and I get this longing just to be with them. I can't stop thinking about it.

What I keep coming back to is that being secure within yourself makes all the difference. As far as I can tell, being secure means that:

::you don't judge others

::you don't compare yourself to others or others to others

::you say what you mean

::you are comfortable with silences

::you don't make small talk

::you aren't polite for politeness sake (you aren't unkind either, in face you are probably more loving and considerate because it is genuine)

::you do what you want to do and trust that others are doing the same

::you tell the truth and expect others are doing the same

::you aren't trying to impress anyone

::you are exactly the same person no matter who's around you

Close your eyes for a minute and imagine this. If it's hard to imagine, believe me, I know. This is RARE, indeed. Can you feel the sort of freedom that this would give you, not only by you being this way but by being around others who are this way. ahhhh. 

So how do we give this to our kids? How do we give them the chance to be this secure? Well, to start, we love them for who they are, exactly as they are and that is how we describe them...."that's who she is".

But really, I think it begins with how we are with ourselves. Remember that poem which included the phrase "you cannot disappoint me"?  What if we begin right there.

Comments

[Jennie]

Kris, have you read Simplicity Parenting? He discusses "The Threefold Filter" in detail (pp 192-4). There is also a website with links to good articles. (simplicityparenting.com)
i highly recommend the book - definitely worth the purchase as i plan to read again and again as my babies grow (they are 3 yrs old and 5 mos old now). i earmarked so many pages!
Have a great weekend :)

[kris laroche]

Jennie:
I just keep thinking about these questions over and over. Thank you so much. Will you recommend more reading along these lines?
with love,kris

[Jennie]

i always come back to the waldorf questions on speaking: is it kind? is it true? is it necessary? the people who give me the warm glow you mention always seem to follow these rules - consciously or not.
thanks for great food for thought for my day :)

[Jenniesmith@gmail.com]

I was just thinking of this the other day when I was at the playground with dd. I said, "Oh she's shy." Ugh! I contemplated it for quite awhile until I came upon "That's how she is" instead and it's OKAY. She just IS. :)
Thank you!

[carrie]

really interested in exploring this
how bout a challenge on this---feeling stuck and craving this kind of change firstly within me--then of course with the kids
xxxcarrie

[char]

Beautiful- both of you...