natural parenting center

foothill farm

Recipe for a very fine day:

::riding a happy pony named Cubby

::holding two day old baby chicks

::smelling the earthy scent of fresh cow poop

::rubbing the snout of a cow named Honey who is going to give birth any moment

::playing with dear friends

::plucking fresh eggs from the coop then eating them for lunch

::climbing a hay ladder to the tip top of the barn

::gawking up at mountains like these, majesty indeed

::snuggling up inside by the fire after an early afternoon snow flurry

::happy happy kids and happy happy mamas

Oh yes.  There is something just so right about being with animals and trees and mountains and the freedom to run and get dirty. Thank you Julie and Evelyn. We had so much fun.

still good...

In spite of a whole lot of coughing going on around here, everything is still good. So good.
I'm grateful for that.

eat. play. love.

Sometimes it's quite simple. 

Enjoying our children, together.

(By the way, I love Elizabeth Gilbert)

radical homemakers

This book just arrived in the mail. Within minutes of breaking it open, sitting on the front steps surrounded by snack remnants, skateboard gear, jackets, helmets and the rest of the unloadings from the Chariot, I started reading. Meanwhile Saschy and Elliott starting setting up a ramp along the strip of pavement in the yard to do more stunts. I kept reading and could barely pull my eyes off the page with each "watch me!".

Thank you Shannon Hayes. What an inspiring book. Though I am only a few pages into it, I can already feel my pulse grow stronger with resolve for what we are doing here.

When we gave up the second income in favour of me being with our kids full time, we knew it wouldn't be easy. If you are doing this then you know. Our whole culture (world?) is based on assumptions that are worth questioning: consumerism, competition, economic "growth", domination. Staying home is stepping out of the rat race and making a different choice.

I find that surrounding myself with inspiration about these choices is helpful. I want to question everything. I don't trust my own mind often because of how it was conditioned, what I say and how I think is based on what? Is it even true?

Well, this book is one more boost for me. I think that as I read I will be learning loads. I'm so glad for this.  I'll keep you posted. If you have read it or do read it, I'd love to hear your thoughts.

being secure within yourself

What does it mean to be secure? What is the difference between people who feel secure and people who feel insecure? What does it take to raise children who are secure within themselves? What does it take to eliminate our own insecurities?

I'm thinking about this these days because I've been spending time around this family. Like Natalie, I am moved, not only by the birth of this sweet pea of a girl and her remarkable mother, but also by the whole family. Elliott and Sascha and I showed up for a visit there two days after the birth and the house was so quiet and still. As we moved into the living room, people started flowing down from upstairs...mama and babe, big sister, auntie, grandma, other grandma and then we all sat together in the living room.

Have you ever been around an entire group of people who have are completely and totally genuine and loving and real? I mean zero pretenses, small talk, fake nicey nice? The air around them all hums and I get this longing just to be with them. I can't stop thinking about it.

What I keep coming back to is that being secure within yourself makes all the difference. As far as I can tell, being secure means that:

::you don't judge others

::you don't compare yourself to others or others to others

::you say what you mean

::you are comfortable with silences

::you don't make small talk

::you aren't polite for politeness sake (you aren't unkind either, in face you are probably more loving and considerate because it is genuine)

::you do what you want to do and trust that others are doing the same

::you tell the truth and expect others are doing the same

::you aren't trying to impress anyone

::you are exactly the same person no matter who's around you

Close your eyes for a minute and imagine this. If it's hard to imagine, believe me, I know. This is RARE, indeed. Can you feel the sort of freedom that this would give you, not only by you being this way but by being around others who are this way. ahhhh. 

So how do we give this to our kids? How do we give them the chance to be this secure? Well, to start, we love them for who they are, exactly as they are and that is how we describe them...."that's who she is".

But really, I think it begins with how we are with ourselves. Remember that poem which included the phrase "you cannot disappoint me"?  What if we begin right there.

Empathy + Parenting Teleclass with Nathan

Hello friends.

If you won one of the spots on SouleMama for this weekends teleclass with Nathan, will you please check your email inbox and be sure you received a message from him? Be sure it didn't end up as spam. Thanks! 

maybe it should be called something else...

Honestly, the phrase "attachment parenting" doesn't really describe the crux of it, now does it?  Yes, of course it is an accurate term when you think about how often your children are, quite literally, attached to you. I carried Elliott, who is almost 5 years old, on my back in the Ergo, every day in Mexico. And they most certainly are attached at the heart (it goes both ways, without a doubt).

But what about all of the non-attachment that happens as well?

Being non-attached to all of those things we think we need/want/prefer in order to be happy?

Right now, our groove (can you call it that when it feels so stop-start-chaotic-incomplete) includes:

::zero yoga, running or any other kind of whole body satisfying movement

::messier and uncleaner than I like house

::eating on the fly, with toddler on lap or table or nursing or picking up food from the plate I use and spitting it out on same plate or floor or my lap

::knitting that is so spotty that I think maybe I should just put it off for awhile because I have undone the same rows so many times now due to the mistakes I've made attempting to knit in such short spells that it's just not worth it (phew)

::ideas for Feeleez that remain undone

::laundry that doesn't get folded fast enough so that the clean stuff gets mixed in with the new unclean pile

::phone calls that don't happen

::dreams of starting more formal homeschool projects that don't happen

::too many ideas for evening time that don't get completed (should I knit? should I tidy? should I plan activities for tomorrow? should I blog? should I email all those emails I've been meaning to send?)

::not enough sleep (that goes without saying, of course)

::a tender and crooked feeling body

::the stop and start and change direction from any possible plan I think I have for the day

So really, what I am practicing more of is NON attachment. In order to put my beloved ones first (which is my choice over and over again-it feels good even just SAYING it here), I will let go of my attachments to:

::the way I look

::the things I accomplish

::what other people think

::having a perfectly clean and tidy home

::everything other than What Is

Hmmm. Sounds like the same ideals as every spiritual aspirant from the beginning of time.  Thank you again, dear little ones, for showing me the Way.

Day 21: 21 Day Parenting Challenge

The final challenge of this series, friends: Set Your Compass every single morning.

When it comes to your relationship with your children, or anything else in your precious life, what matters most to YOU? When you fall asleep at night, what do you want the undercurrent of your play-by-play reflections on the day to be? What is your north star, the thing that is the THING for you?

Some call this your life purpose. Or maybe it is simply the current goal or what you most want out of this phase of your life.

When you take a moment or twenty as close to waking up as you can to remember what you want to BE, then your compass is set for the day. You have consciously chosen a direction. Life will happen, yes. This kind of compass setting is not so much about making a particular thing happen in the outer world, or about wishing for a set of circumstances. It is not about control. This is about something deeper and more subtle. It is more about who you want to BE, regardless of what happens during the day. It is an unconditional sort of thing.

Outer compass directions:

::kids to be happy

::none of us getting sick

::that cheque to come in the mail

::to get a break

::to go to a yoga class

::to hire a new sales rep for the business

::to eat only raw food

These kinds of things roam around in our busy brains all the time. They are a combination of stuff we want to get done and also things we want to happen over which we have no control.

Inner compass directions:

::to be present, no matter what

::to sit with whatever is going on with my children

::to be loving and kind

::to trust that everything that happens is exactly as it should be

::to listen for my ego and laugh at its foolishness

::to be still

::to hear the silence that is holding all sound

::to see the magic that is everywhere

::to be aware of my own body and feel what's happening in there

::to fully accept everything as it is

::to wait a few seconds before responding if/when I feel angry or agitated

::to remove my SELF and listen

These sorts of "goals" (though I cringe slightly at that word) are about your state of BEing. They are possible no matter what is happening in the outer world. Yes, you will still do stuff during the day, but what about what really matters to you? Who do you want to be? How do you want to live?

If we aren't bringing our awareness to that today, then when? What are we waiting for? 

I hope that this Parenting Challenge has served you in some way. It has been enjoyable to create and I'm grateful for all of you have willingly participated. If you have any comments or would be willing to share the impact of the work you've done, I'd love to hear. Wishing you and your families great love. You are leading edge parents, truly. I'm so glad you are here.

Day 20: 21 Day Parenting Challenge

Did you ever imagine this "21 day" challenge would spread out over four months? I'm glad we didn't call it the "21 days in a row challenge". Then you might have really been confused. That brings us to the second to last challenge: dismantling assumptions.

Before I became a mama, I worked as a leadership coach. During trainings with managers and executives, we often presented the Ladder of Inference. I never imagined it would apply to living with toddlers, but it seems to carry an essential truth that can enlighten any relationship. It also ties in so well with the spiritual pursuit of embracing everything as it is, which I return to over and over as the thing that matters most.

Here's how it works. First, there is reality. This is something that would be captured on a movie camera, events unfolding.  But we, being human, rarely see life that way. We selectively pick out certain bits and pieces and pay more attention to those, affixing meaning. Then we make assumptions, draw conclusions we form our beliefs, taking action based on that. All of this reinforces our selective attention (seeing what we want to see) leading to more and more rigid beliefs and less ability to see reality for what it is. This makes for a whole lot of suffering.

Example: You believe that you are a victim. Based on that "story" which probably evolved when you were young as a survival mechanism, you interpret things that happen to you through the lens of "victim". Someone cuts you off in traffic, the mail carrier doesn't return your hello, your child elbows you while wrestling, your partner interrupts you. Choose one of these situations and then list all of the possible assumptions you could make about it.

Your partner interupts you.

::he doesn't love you

::he doesn't care about what you have to say

::he thinks what you were feeling was wrong

::he thinks you are stupid

::he got distracted by a noise outside

::he was triggered by what you were saying

::he wanted to tell you something else

::he didn't hear you

::he was thinking about something that happened to him

Now, if your story is that you are a victim, you can see which assumptions you are more likely to make. You could choose the assumption that feels good "he didn't hear you", usually a neutral one. If you choose an assumption that feels horrible, then off you go spiraling down the rabbit hole of one negative thought after another, feeling worse and worse, being more disconnected, irritable, distracted and then completely unable to be present, resulting in yelling at your child when she asks you for some gum.

The ladder gives us the image of us going up rung after rung, farther AWAY from reality. We see what we want to see, reinforcing our beliefs which disconnect us from the true nature of things and cause immense suffering.

So, as you notice yourself starting to make assumptions and having feelings about those assumptions, get back to the first rung on the ladder (closest to the ground of reality) and ASK A QUESTION.

When I was talking a minute ago, you interrupted me. What was happening for you?

When you said "whatever" to me, what did you mean?

Were you mad at me the other day when we got together?

Did you hear what I was saying?

Do you have a request for me?

Will you tell me if there is something you want or need?

Go back to seeing what the movie camera would see of that scene, the ACTUAL EVENTS, without your personal story or interpretation of them. Talk to your partner, your friends, your children and set up some new ground rules for relating (I am going to just ask if there is something I'm wondering about and trust you will do the same. Otherwise, let's trust that the other person is doing what they want to be doing and will make requests if they want something to change.)

Start to examine your beliefs about EVERYTHING. What are your parenting beliefs that cause you to see things that are not necessarily true? What are your beliefs about yourself that cause you to see things that are not necessarily true?

Reality is your friend. Peel back the layers. If we stop making assumptions, we might stop feeling triggered and then we might actually spend a whole lot more time living in this gorgeous moment right here in front of us.

where to begin

Oh my. As each passing night has filled with unpacking, laundry, wakeful girl of frequent nursing needs, Feeleez work catch up, bill paying and all the other stuff of returning to life after vacation, the blog posts have been accumulating in my mind.

It leaves me overwhelmed and with a little uncomfortable empty pocket inside. I tell myself that it can wait, that the gift of an unsponsored blog is no commitment and the ability to write what and when and how I choose. I tell myself that it's not that important, that being private is ok too. I tell myself that maybe the blog isn't my thing anyways. I tell myself that other things are calling me now and I can get back to it when it works.

And still that empty spot sits empty.

And the things I want to write for me, for you, for the release, for the meaning (however small and personal) pile up with nowhere to go. 

This blog feeds me. It feels creative. It feels satisfying. It feels bold and adventurous and scary, too. It ties a little knot of completion to a day where nothing else ever seems to be completed. It feels good.

All this isn't even on the list of what I wanted to blab about.

First, the end of trip pictures.

These last photos from our last morning on the beach in Sayulita. Was that really us? Did that really happen?

 

Visiting Grandpa Peter (my dad) and Anne and my brothers at their house in Vancouver.

 

Cherry blossoms in bloom there.
 

Over to the North Shore for some days with Grandma Linda (my mom) and GG (great grandma)

 

A day at the aquarium. Mama and baby beluga whales. Be still my heart.
 

The final plan ride home.

Here is the list of things I wanted to tell you, in brief.

everything as it should be.

::we got delayed for five hours in Puerto Vallarta airport. Oh god, I thought. Turned out to be a fun and easy time with "chance" meetings with amazing folks. More on this later, I hope.

good job

::on the plane, the woman in the front seat told me I was doing such a "good job" with my kids. They were being quiet. I had this vision of a new world where people compliment you when your kids are screaming and freaking out because they are so delighted and relieved to see a mother willing and able to lovingly, empathically, patiently BE WITH her children as they express their intense feelings about whatever.

giving parenting advice

::I have been feeling confused about attachment parenting and giving anyone advice about pursing this commited way of being with children. I saw first hand how it doesn't work for everyone and if you start down this path and create attached kids, then you aren't able/willing/wanting to see it through all the way, that it becomes challenging. If you know you want/need lots of time to yourself to pursue your own stuff, is it better to "train" your kids to be comfortable with other adults so they have no separation anxiety when you leave? If this is who you are and how you want to live, is it better to hire a nanny who can be that one consisitent and loving attachment figure? I want NPC to offer people support who KNOW this is for them, not to be in the business of convincing or advocating to people for whom it's not.

shy

::All that stuff above along with spending time with family, face-to-face, who had their own reactions to what I have to say here made me feel shy about exposing myself too much. How do I do this, I find myself thinking.

travel with kids

::It's a real toss up, in my mind. The expansive quality of living in a different culture, language, place is rich. The freaking out about Saschy putting money in her mouth, fear of getting sick, control needed to make them put on shoes and stop what they are doing to catch taxis and planes just didn't feel good at all. Ever. 

opinions

::People have strong opinions about parenting. They aren't afraid to voice them. those voices get inside your head and can mess with you, causing you to be prickly and reactive with your children because a seed of self-doubt has taken root. I find that breathing deeply, spending time reminding myself of what feels good and right TO ME, and lovingly trusting that others are simply scared or concerned or doing their best to show their love to you are helpful strategies.

transitions

:: they suck.

home

::is oh so fine. Autonomy is the thing that I feel most upon arriving back in our little abode. We are so blessed to eat the food we want (hello fresh veggies and fruits that require no major iodine bath), have laundry available whenever, cozy family bed, playthings and crafty joys at our finger tips and friends. OH the friends.

To all of you who travelled along with us, thanks for being there. And thanks for being here. Welcome home.