whirlwind

We are in Vancouver now, with Grandpa Peter, his wife and two kids (my brothers). This is after three weeks with my sister, her hubby and three year old in Mexico.  Tomorrow we go across town to my mom and Grandma's for a few days.

I feel whirled, and also rooted at the same time. It's a strange sensation.

Family is a minefield. Want a recipe for coming face to face with your primitive brain, all your unconscious stuff? Spend time with your extended family. Even when you adore them, they have what it takes to rattle you. 

I know you know this. We've talked about this before, haven't we?

And parenting is the, what, what's the word? Parenting is THE BIGGIE. I think people say parenting, politics and religion are the hot topics to never discuss with anyone, right? Well how about when you are parenting in ways that go against how you were parented while you are with your parents? Or sisters, brothers, aunts, cousins? How do you stay true to you, honour your children, maintain the love with your extended family and process all your unconscious crap which inevitably shows up?

How does one parent while being triggered?

This past almost month has shown me how unenlightened I am. I'm smiling to myself while I write this, feeling some tenderness for living in the whirlwind. I feel overwhelming gratitude for any and every moment that I've sliced through all the voices in my head and remained in the moment. I'm ecstatic about each time I sat down, looked into my Elliott and Saschy's eyes and really saw what was going on for them, shutting out everything else around me and in me to do so. It has taken some serious what, what's the word, will? groundedness? fortitude? grace? sheer dumb luck?

Family dynamics. When I just go along with them as they were laid down all those years ago, I feel sad and empty. I lose myself and then all the stuff that goes along with not being true to yourself is just so uncomfortable. When I challenge them, my palms sweat, my heart races and adrenaline floods my whole system. It's exciting and terrifying. It's refreshing and life-threatening (or so my primitive brain wants me to believe.)

I have noticed:

::I tend to try to change everyone and everything around me so that I can feel better

::the urge to flee is strong

::that onion  still has many layers 

::friends are an essential balance to family

::family is the final frontier of personal growth

::somewhere deep in childhood we get programmed and that programming is really, really hard to change

::I soothe myself with food

::most of my parenting choices are in reaction to how I was parented

::when I stop expecting or wanting or needing them to be different, I will be free

::being with family is looking in the mirror

::I am getting a cold

And I've noticed changes. I can feel this shift happening or maybe it has already happened. It is some kind of liberation of sorts. Like I am going from being all tied up and tangled to being free-floating. My core self is not dependent on anything outside of me. My connection to my children is my priority. I am living the life I am meant to live. I forgive the things I've been holding against them (victim stories). 

Is our whole childhood just a set of stories that we make up? How are those stories working for me? My story of being left alone in the crib and therefore incapable of intimacy, of being the lesser-than sister therefore unworthy of wealth, of being fat and ugly therefore unlovable, well they just plain don't feel good. 

POOF! Stories changed. What if it is as simple as that?

I sat down to write this post with no idea what I was going to say. This space is my easel. 

Comments

[Angela]

the whirlwind of family and travel and self-reflection, indeed. wanting to change others to feel better, but realizing to be free is to not have expectations on others is oh so true. so glad you were able to stay in the moment with yourself and your kids during your travels, that is so difficult. i am constantly finding inspiration here.

[Hilaree]

WOW. The final frontier for personal growth...indeed. What a wonderful thing to strive for - compassion and empathy for our parents and siblings. Truly, truly freeing. Peace.

[kris]

i'm really glad, martha. so glad this speaks to you.

[kris]

face it all and have a laugh.
that is now one of my top favorite things to say to myself.
beautiful and perfect. thank you SO much for sharing, carrie. tell your friend she thanks for me.

[kris]

hi jessica.
i like this idea. yes, recreation any old story that doesn't bring us light and open-ness. anything that causes us to contract and close up. why not just change it, eh?

[kris]

i love you too, heidi. a gift indeed.

[heidi]

i am so thankful you are my sister. i feel so blessed! and our time together in mexico was a gift.
love you.......h

www.heidibuecking.wordpress.com

[Jessica Murray]

Ditto to the therapy comment, one type of therapy that comes to mind is "Narrative therapy" google it..basically it is about re-writing our life stories so that they may make us free from the guilt, sadness, longing, grief,and all the other feelings that come up. The key is changing the I in the story to your personal name and thus giving it one degree of separation to reflect upon, as if you're reading someone else's tale and not your own. Although in theory I know this.. living it in my heart has always been the challenge. You are a strong woman who should indulge in that chocolate for undertaking such an emotional journey these past few weeks, thanks for keeping us along for the experience!

[Isabelle]

thank you for this post as usual it helps me a lot .
Isabelle

[Martha]

I've read this post several times now. I think it's one of the most helpful pieces of writing I've come to in a long time. So much wisdom, not just about family. Thank you.

[carrie]

My dear friend always says --spending time with extended family saves thousands of dollars in therapy bills---face it all and have a laugh

xxxcarrie

[Jenniesmith@gmail.com]

Let's make a magic wand for such things! :)