compassion, in spite of...

::everything you've been taught about how to treat children

::the anger you feel

::what others might think

::fear

::judgments

I heard this story about Mother Theresa. She was being interviewed by someone when these two very rich people came in and started demanding a photo with her, tilting her head and acting brusquely. She complied, unaffected, then continued with the interview. The interviewer was furious. Mother Theresa said that these people needed compassion just as the sickly babies did.

What is compassion if we aren't willing to bring it out of ourselves in the hardest moments? It's easy to feel compassion for the cute harp seals when they are being clubbed. What does it take for us to open ourselves more deeply? The Dalai Lama feels compassion for the Chinese who have decimated his land and people.

We have been taught that to be effective as parents, we must reward and punish behaviour otherwise our children will manipulate us and turn into raving unsocialized monsters. This is a lie. It is based on a dark and negative view of humanity. Alfie Kohn has research to back this up. Yet, even if we manage to overcome this deep and prevailing conditioning, what about our own anger which flares, standing in the way of loving our children regardless of how they behave?

When Elliott hits Saschy, I feel a rage inside of me. But they both need my empathy. The "victim" and the "aggressor" are feeling pain. It is so easy to hold her and turn my back on him, seething about his act of violence. But any reaction to that feeling in me is compounding the violence and modelling the very thing that I am asking him to change.

When I refuse to allow anger as an option, when I take a breath and keep my mouth shut for even a few seconds, I relax. It is in that space that I find a different response, one that feels so much better to me. It is one that we are creating out of nothing because we see it so rarely in our world. We invoke our imaginations here and paint the scene differently.

You must have been so angry to have hurt her like that. Can I hold you? I want to help you both. I love you.

How else are we going to change our world? Ourselves? We can drop all of those ridiculous ideas about needing to "teach" our kids a "lesson" or whatever. All of that is total bullshit. Let yourself love them, all of them, no matter what. And when you don't, when that anger takes over, then shower yourself with tenderness, take a breath, and begin again.

Comments

[Angela]

so difficult to let go of the anger sometimes when your lil loved one is hurt, but you are so right with showing compassion, it is the only way. when the one who does the hurting is shunned, then they don't get to feel compassion when they need it the most.

[Amy]

It's one thing to acknowledge they must have been feeling pain and to be compassionate after you've explained levelly why it's not acceptable to be physically or mentally violent - the hugs are given in our household in abundance but in practical terms I find the 'victim' needs to be comforted first, well before the 'agressor' gets held. I can understand the point being made - it's certainly interesting (and important) to consider how to parent when you're faced with a situation as you describe. It's definitely not worth getting angry yourself otherwise it's just contributing 'violence' to an already violent situation.

[Mary Leveque]

Thank you!! What insight you have ....I've never thought of it this way before...thank you.

[Romy]

Loving this.

[Kassia]

Great post, as always. I feel deep emotions and thoughts stirring.. Thank you!