parenting demands superhuman self awareness

This morning I was hard edged, crabby, quick to prickle. I kept squirming around to find a comfortable spot within my own skin. My mind scrolled through the list...yoga? food? getting outside? picking up the phone? All those options were possibilities and none of them soothed my jaggedness. I searched about for a reason...tired, period, sore foot? What is it? How do I fix it?

Nothing doing. Everything that Elliott and Saschy did seemed frustrating to me. What? You want some breakfast? You want to take the covers off the bed? You need to poop? Are you kidding me?

Oh boy. Then, Saschy hit me and I started to cry. That hit was the release I needed. The anger and rage softened and I could finally lift it up to take a look inside.

I realized that what I was dishing out to them was a fraction of what I was dishing out to myself. It's like being in an abusive relationship, only the abuser is a version of myself who lives inside my skin. She is harsh, cutting, relentless. She lays into me about everything, screaming vicious remarks..."You are fat, ugly, old. You are insecure, annoying, self absorbed! You are a lousy mama! You can't do anything right! You suck!!!"

Several things occurred to me about this:

1. How sad. I would NEVER tolerate this treatment from anyone else, yet it's ok to do this to myself? Sheesh.

2. Consciously creating. Every moment, every thought, every feeling is creating our outer reality. There is no time off. With this kind of thinking I created a corresponding reality: Saschy got gum in her hair, disconnected from my babes, isolating myself from friends, tripping and stubbing and bumping my body into things, hacked at hair with dull scissors and ended up hating result.

3. Letting tears come allows me to soften the angry reactivity and be with what's actually going on and that feels so sweet and gentle.

4. Whenever I get edgy or angry with my children it is because of something I am thinking, usually about myself, or a fear that has crept it. It is rarely about what they are actually doing in that moment.

5. Thank you thank you thank you, Universe, for giving me the power of self awareness so that I can move through this instead of bumbling through life angry and unconscious and taking it out on my children. Please help everyone find that grace.

6. Being with whatever feelings come up within ourselves and within our children may be the MOST important ability for living well. Without fixing or numbing.

7. Internalizing. How I speak to my children creates their INNER VOICE. This sets the model for how they will speak to themselves. Let me be kind and loving.

8. Being still is essential. It is also hard because whatever is going on in there is going to come out.

Comments

[robin (woowoo mama)]

hey kris, i went through a similar process the other day after a less than perfect (for me) trip to the park. it seems like the last few weeks i am getting this message over and over of seeing how my inner discontent makes me a snippy parent. i have been working with the mantra, "there is no perfect _______, (day for example). right here right now is actually ok." and trying to really pull myself out of my head and into the world through my senses.

i like coming to your blog because i feel less alone in my inner process.

carry on mama.

[gen]

Thanks for sharing. I have often wondered why I can't be more gentle with myself and more importantly why it is not the first thing on my list to work on. I am constantly trying to become a better parent, wife, sister, daughter, friend. Why is it so hard to strive to be more loving and caring with myself? You would think by now I would have rid myself of the idea that this is being selfish and yet I haven't.

[Martha]

Thanks for sharing, Kris. Thought-provoking for me. "what we achieve inwardly will change outer reality" -- (not trying to be lofty, but that;s from plutarch) has recently been a helpful mantra for me, and sprang to mind again when reading your thoughts.

[Deanna P.]

Thank you so much for this post. I have been reading your blog for some time now, but never had the courage to comment. I sometimes feel as though my words are not worthy of being on your blog. I know, that is just my self-pity. I had a very similar day and I just didn't know how to overcome the feeling of being lost in my own skin. I especially admire you for your 5th reason above. I am desperately trying to find my way to more self-awareness. Your blog has given me so much help and hope, so thank you for sharing your words and your world. :)