radical homemaking and parenting: exclusive interview with Shannon Hayes

 

As you may know (if you've been here before), I read Radical Homemakers and LOVED it. It was captivating and enlightening. It shifted my perspective on money and allowed me to claim something that I've always had a strong inclination towards but questioned and struggled with...domesticity. After all those years of establishing a career, how could I possibly be content staying home with children, making cheese and hanging the laundry? 

Shannon's book will make you question all of your questions. Staying home to raise your children, grow and make your own food and live on less is a profoundly important way to live. It's a revolution this planet and our children need, actually. I already had the staying home full-time down, but have since taken on learning many more essential domestic skills. In this new quest to eat and live a homemade life, I've noticed something: there is a lot of DOING involved. My beliefs in the value of being still, mindful, and present for myself and especially with my children have come into a bit of conflict with this way of living. Where does BEING fit in with so much TO DO? So the question has been brewing....how do we parent with presence while making everything from scratch? When I read the amazing blog of Soulemama and others like her, I am perpetually confused and a little down on myself. HOW DOES SHE DO IT? and WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME THAT I'M NOT DOING ALL THAT?

In my quest to learn more, I posed the question to Shannon Hayes, author of Radical Homemakers, and she was kind enough to share her thoughts with us in this exclusive interview. Here is what she has to say.

To be honest, I believe it is important to be present to our kids. I do not believe that we should be their personal playmates at all times, however. Yes, I am very busy doing a lot of things around the house and farm. So is Bob. And we are not readily available at all times. What we've tried to do is create an environment for them where they can feel un-stressed and safe to explore their natural and domestic worlds. WE've taken away a lot of the toys, all media except music. We limit their (and our) commitments outside home and farm. Our ideal is to create an atmosphere that encourages them to explore on their own and with each other. 

They can participate with us in our domestic work if they choose to, otherwise we feel that a little boredom on their part usually leads to some pretty fantastic play, and we try not to worry too much about how much direct hands-on attention they get from us. 

We are certainly there for them if they hurt themselves or ask a penetrating question that requires in-depth explanations. And there are specific times where they are the direct focus of our attention. They are very involved with meal prep these days, they get our undivided attention at dinner, homeschool time, camping excursions, evening walks, story time, and we break often to romp about with them. 

But, in truth, we feel that some of the most important things for them to learn are how to be with themselves, how to teach themselves, how to enjoy their own company. WE also think it is important for them to see us going about the daily labors that must jive in harmony with the seasons. Whether we are directly teaching them or not, they are learning the rhythms, cycles and skill-sets for living in a slower, more sustainable world. They are learning how to be in the garden without crushing too many plants, they occasionally pause in their play out there to help me free some seedlings and set them in the soil, or steal one of my trowels and go dig in a safe spot.  Yes there are a few more weeds and damaged plants than in a perfect garden, but we are all benefiting nonetheless. 

One thing that helps to make things go better is that I don't do this alone.  As I mentioned in the book, relationships are key. In my case, I rely on my family and husband. If I must do something that is not safe or pleasurable for them to participate in, Daddy, Grammie or Pop Pop are usually someplace nearby. I think modern parenting assumes that, at best, only one parent is on the scene at all times, and his or her work is therefore exclusively focused on children, and perhaps getting a meal on the table and washing dishes and laundry while they nap. Radical Homemaking relies on relationships and partnerships among adults. Husbands and wives ideally swap the kids back and forth, and extended family or close friends and neighbors who function as extended family participate in their care, as well as in the domestic work. 

The girls do complain of boredom now and then. I tell them boredom is a good thing. Within a few moments, they are off and running with something new. I think, as a result of my "distractions", they are learning to be self-reliant.

That doesn't mean I ignore my kids all the time. And it doesn't mean that I don't wish I could settle down more often for some more direct time. This is one of the reasons that Bob and I chose to homeschool. That is time that we get to spend directly focused on each other, and it is as much for my benefit (to drink them in and celebrate their every learning development) as it is for theirs.

I happen to believe that it is not healthy for a child to grow up thinking that they are the sole reason for Mommy's existence. I think it is healthy for them to understand that I take great creative satisfaction from being a writer; and that in order for us to live in harmony with the earth, Mommy and Daddy and Grammie and Pop Pop must work with animals, gardens, cooking, canning, fixing, etc. 

I also understand that certain work cannot happen in their presence. Writing is a prime example. I can talk to them while I"m feeding pigs and watering the chickens. I cannot do that while I'm trying to write. That creative outlet is critical to my sanity. My policy with writing is to get up at 4 am and take care of it before they're awake. I accept that I simply cannot be as prolific as some writers, but I am grateful for the few hours I have, and I make the best of them. To make up for that, we take naptime very seriously. My youngest really needs that down time, my oldest benefits from the quiet time to herself to read and lie low and I REALLY benefit because I get to read to them first, then snuggle down with my youngest to catch up on my rest. Bob also gets some quiet time to get a few extra things done, to read, close his eyes or whatever he chooses. 

It isn't always smooth. There are times when I feel like I'm not doing enough with my kids; times when I feel like my house is a total wreck (that's often), times when I feel like I'm shirking my duties someplace else. I used to feel guilty about something perpetually. In fact, here is a link to an essay I wrote two summers ago that is evidence of me being in a very different state of mind. Homespun Mom Comes Unraveled. 

I'm starting to grow out of that. I am understanding that this isn't ever going to be perfect, and that I might as well enjoy the bumpy, sloppy, tired, albeit scenic and fulfilling ride. Everyone is happy, dry, warm and well-fed. That's enough.

  

 

Comments

[Teri]

No- haven't moved. We did, however, send in a big fat check yesterday to purchase the land. So in a few days we will be owners of a 30 acre parcel of land in Northeast Missouri (so if you know anybody in that area, please let me know so I can try to connect with great people!).

The land is actually raw, so there is nothing on it at all right now. So IF we do decide to move out there (and that is still on the table), it wouldn't be for a year or so. The Northwest is suiting me just fine for now.

Thank you!

[kris laroche]

I believe that is so true, Teri, and this way of living in little houses separated from each other is more challenging than it needs to be. I am now dreaming of setting up a guesthouse in the back yard for magical mothering visits to at least be together for chunks of time, talking, cooking, growing, childrening, playing, inspiring. I want that. Sending you love...have you moved?

[Teri]

Hi Kris - I'm re-reading this post for some new burst of inspiration. I think the biggest impact of what I'm reading is that relationships are key to maintaining sanity. We just aren't meant for parenting alone. We are finding that our lives are missing something right now, and a huge part of it is a community in which to co-raise our children. I have Shannon's book on hold at the library and I'm up to #10 or so in line, so I think her message is being taken very seriously. Thanks for posting this.

[Martha]

Interesting interview, thanks so much for sharing. "I am understanding that this isn't ever going to be perfect" is the most helpful thing I hear her say, for now at least, after reading through once -- and, many elements of her life and approach are very inspiring and intriguing to me, too, unradically homemade as I can feel much of the time. Thanks again, Kris.

[Shelly]

Perfect timing, as usual!! Thank you. You're further ahead on the road I'm on and I've caught myself just this last week repeatedly asking "where is she finding the time?!?". Thank you for continuing to share and how nice that there are a few of us on the same path.

[kris laroche]

why were you a wreck then, mary? what's clearer now?

[Mary Leveque]

wow thanks for that interview. I think this
might be post modern feminism at its best.

I wish I had known you when my children were little. I was a wreck then. Things are clearer for me now. But so much that we do when they are little leads to many positive "yes's" for later years. (I loved that about your birthday post).

Thank you.

[Julie]

What a great interview. I needed this.

[kris laroche]

Thanks to all of you for your comments. As I write this, I am listening to the loud sounds of water splashing from the bathtub and giggles. hmmmm. Yes...more commune style living, more adults to love on these sweet kids and to talk, rage, cry, cook, pickle, can, grow, enlighten with....now wet padding feet headed my way.

[robin (woowoomama)]

thanks a million times over for this "answer." i also fall into the similar trap of trying to figure out how to learn to be more domestic and do more on our own (clothing, gardening, food making etc) in the time that i feel like i have available. and i constantly feel that there is something to do. i often long for a more "commune" style living where there are other adults around to keep an eye on my kids while i get x done. not needing that adult to sit on the floor and play with them but just to allow me to more fully concentrate on a difficult task. i haven't figured out how to do this yet -- without paying my 15 y.o. neighbor to come over.

anyway, this was super helpful. i am only partway through radical homemakers right now and i am loving the read. it feels like a door is opening in my head to better understand the workings of my heart and how to live them fully. if that makes any sense.

i think radical homemaking might be postmodern feminism at its best?

love your bloggity blog lady.

xx ~woowoo to the mama - robin

[Brandy]

Thanks for sharing! It is helpful to have mentors on the same way of thinking and being. Do remember, Amanda Soule has said that she chooses to dwell on the happy things in her home. :-)

[Lindsay R]

wow...what a great interview. as soon as you mentioned how you felt at times, especially reading blogs like amanda's, i knew i had to read on...;-) i feel like that ALL the time. i read all these blogs, books, articles, etc., and i constantly have this chatter going on in my head about what i could/should be doing and how the hec all these other folks seem to be doing it so dang beautifully. the reality is, here in blog land, that we often only see the pretty stuff. i do it on my own blog all the time. i recently read your post w/ the shot of your kitchen, and felt so much better (so thanks for that)... anyway, the fact that we're all even interested in making an attempt at this domesticity stuff speaks volumes to the fact that we're doing a pretty darn good job. i'd rather our lives be full and messy than empty and neat (on so many different levels)! cheers.