river shore realizations

Perched beside the Jocko river as we camped a few days ago, I felt myself move more deeply into trusting my children. I want them to be the authors of their own lives. Sometimes this means a shift in the way I talk about things.

Here is an example that I'm playing with...

Instead of saying: Hey you two. It's bedtime. Let's brush teeth and go to bed now.

I want to say: Hey loves. I'd like to help you get ready for bed now. I'd like you to give your body plenty of rest and I"m feeling tired and ready for some time alone. Will you go to bed now? What do you need to be ready to do that?

It seems to me that the first example is about some external authority being imposed on them, some arbitrary thing (bed time) that happens for some unknown reason. Bewildering and inviting to resist against. The second example is more truthful. It tells them what's going on with me and that nurtures a genuine relationship between us. It encourages them to tune into their own bodies and to be aware of what's happening for others (empathy) and make decisions based on that.

Whether they go to bed in that moment or not is uncertain. We can have a conversation about it, though. I'm not the boss, they are not captives. We are part of a family, each with needs and desires that matter.

Comments

[Angela]

yes, would love more on this. my youngest (2.5 yrs) was up last night from 1:30am-3:30 am. she was not tired, so she just stayed awake, and did puzzles :-). and my oldest (10 yrs) often just can't go to sleep and will be up very late into the night. we allow for them to trust their bodies to know when they are tired, but what do you do when the next day you just know they didn't get enough sleep to make it through? i struggle with this one a lot.

seems every time i come here to catch up on your blog it is so timely to what is going on with us. :-) thank you.

[Martha]

I too would be interested in how you deal with 'rest time,' as we refer to it, in the afternoons, if you are even still helping your little one rest during the day. i found the way you compared the two approaches really helpful. sometimes, with my 2-yr-old, i sense he is very young for lots of yes or no questions, and that it's more helpful for him if i give him guidance instead of ask for his input. i'd like to gradually open him up to more 'will you do x or y?' and 'what can i do to help you get ready...?' kinds of questions.

[robin (woowoomama)]

i often get caught up in the differences here between this train/school of thinking about parenting and being with the kids and what i see as a major difference in the more "waldorf""y camp of parenting. on the one hand i love the genuine communication you are talking about here. on the other hand i often find that too many words just seem to be like a droning fly to my kids and they take us down pathways of words that i don't think they really grasp the meaning of.

clearly i have not figured out what is the best way for me/my kids.

right now i am at this point:
being genuine with myself
still aiming for less words with them.

so my internal dialog might be similar to what you said
thus my intention my be what you your words were
but i still might chose to use very few words

if that makes any sense.

[isa]

thank you Kris for this post!
i love when you share moments / dialogues as they help me tons!!

[Teri]

Very intriguing way to look at this specific example (bedtime), which seems to be a constant struggle in our home, perhaps second only to nap time! I'd love to hear more about how this plays out for you, particularly with Saschy (as she's just a little bit younger than my daughter). Keep us posted please!