abrasive with a dash of insecure

that's how i have been feeling lately. ugh. pissing people off. on this blog (see comments from a couple of days ago), with friends. not everyone and not all the time, but enough. enough to rattle me. 

it started with a conversation with my homeopathic doctor. he talked about how, for me (stuck with a suffocating need to please), as the remedies continue to work their magic, i will be more willing to piss people off for the sake of living authentically. if everyone likes me, then i'm not being real. 

in a sense it feels good. like i am not defined by people's definitions of me. i haven't panicked and rushed to fix things when i've said something less friendly, more truthful. and my "honesty" has also been a little misplaced, i think. oh i don't know.

i was a child raised by PUTIODS (parents-under-the-influence-of-doctor-spock), meaning that in spite of their profound love for me (or maybe because of it), i was taught to be "good". in this case, this means ...

::nice and polite

::thin and attractive

::clean and neat

::smart in a get-the-answer-right kind of way

::obedient

this has given me some helpful skills. i do know how to turn on the charm and blend in to the prevailing tide of social norms. i can follow rules. but on the other hand, it has fucked with me. i am more likely to say what others want to hear than what i want to say. i am more likely to change my behavior depending on who i'm around. i am more likely to follow than lead, to fit in than stand out, to be polite than be bold. i can feel confused and kind of sad. i can despise myself for being untrue and for never, ever being good enough. 

thank goodness for homeopathy.

thank goodness my parents are alive and that we love each other.

thank goodness for friends who are honest with me.

thank goodness for my powerful intuition and inner guidance.

thank goodness for my children. most of all, thank goodness for my children.  because for them, i will plunge to the icy and dark depths of myself and look, unflinchingly, at what i'd rather not see. i will own all of myself. for them, i will grow.

Comments

[Lisa Molina]

ahhh - you are talking about a license for approval...
Most of us are walking around requesting licenses from everyone else... This comes from how we are brought up, yes.. and more over from simply being a human. I have learned it is much more healthy and rewarding to be respected than liked. And being respected is an inside job..done right here with me - being free to be me. ;)
Best, Lisa

[Shelly]

I LOVE your blog! I helps me center and remember my way when I get lost in the world and my 'to do' list.
I've always been confused and saddened by the belief that you aren't supposed to be yourself or honest. It feels like I've spent my whole life shocking people by what I say or do (and I've never truly been shocking) and feeling my worst when I try to march in line, be seen and not heard, and play nice.
As always, thank you for sharing your thoughts, ideals, and your life.

[Carol Peat]

Kris, your honesty, your divinity, the fact that you know that other's people opinion of you is ultimately not your business is what keeps me coming back here... for the heartspeak that i understand as a mum. Be you and nothing else....every bit of you on the journey of creating. xoxoox Carol

[carrie]

oh yes
thankyou for my children
i will go deep into the darkness of myself for them
so grateful
xxxxcarrie