growing up...it's time.

I just took a peek through the archives to see what past Halloween posts were and found this. It's perfect to be asking myself that question, though I've been scanning these ones and finding more rocks that need to be turned over:

1. Is there an important truth I haven't been willing to tell?
2. Did I tell an untruth that hasn't been put right?
3. Is there something I need to say to someone else?
4. Is there something I haven't been willing to hear from someone else?
5. Have I been living in fear of the worst?
6. Have I been pretending to know more than I really know?
7. Is there something I should have done that I've left undone?
8. Having done all I can do, have I been unwilling to let go of the outcome?
9. Have I been waiting for someone or something else to rescue me?
10. Have I been hiding who I really am?

These come from The Fate Project. 

It seems that Fall is the time to look at this stuff. The glorious distraction and in-the-momentness of summer is long gone, the odor of leaf rot fills my nostrils along with the sting of grey cold. Looking at death, the shadow side, whatever I've been ignoring. It's time. Oh boy would I rather not. It sucks, to be honest, to take an unflinching inventory of oneself and one's actions.

Growing up. I see that there are many places where I am such a child, waiting to be rescued or fixed or told what to do. Pretending I don't know what I know. Integrity is the other word swirling around in my brain.  Where am I ignoring my own? Every little drop adds up and makes me feel icky inside. I end up grumpy and irritable and squirmy. 

I don't want to just get by this time of year. The tide of the earth is ebbing, and my cells want to follow that pull. Let me look at what needs to be looked at, take action where needed, and grow up just a little bit more if I can. May the gods and goddesses of the underworld give me some nudges, too.

 

 

 

Comments

[kris laroche]

yeah...i hear that. mistakes, not needing to show yourself, learning to accept, and sometimes being an overbearing idiot. if you met yourself for the first time, would you like you? love to you.

[Theresa]

I have no real reason for stopping. I missed one day, then another,then a week, and now it has been a year and a half. I guess it served it's purpose for a while, and then I didn't need it anymore. I use facebook to spew my stuff out. Lol. But even that has slowed down now. Like your next post says, you no longer want to convince others how they should do things. I've been learning that lesson too... Slowly ;) Everybody has their own journey. There are no mistakes in life. I am beginning to feel a bit less of a need to show myself to others (at times) and more of a need to just accept myself, and others as they are. Then of course there are days where I am an overbearing idiot. Lol.

[kris laroche]

hi theresa. well welcome back, then. thanks for sharing. im glad this writing rings our for you. i love that. yes, these loves are growing so fast. why did you stop blogging? sometimes i feel in such a quandry about it because there are so many things i want to do with the evenings. and sometimes i feel scared of being this vulnerable. and then i also notice how i feel after spewing my feelings out there and theres something life-affirming about it. im curious about you.

[kris laroche]

hi jenny. oh im so glad you think so. thank you for stopping by here. november is upon us. what do you get thinking about at this time of year?

[Jenny Miller]

Perfect for this time of year! Thanks for sharing this with us. Love and light.

[Theresa]

Thank you for coming by my now-defunct blog :) I used to read you all the time while I was doing my own blogging, but just seemed to have fallen out of it. Your blog did cross my mind again a few days ago, and I did some catching up. Your little loves have grown so much! Your Sashy is just a few months younger than my own little girl. So much of your writing rings out in me. Thank you for sharing :)

[heidi]

beautiful dissy. thank you for providing this food for thought and the sweet insight into where you are at. you are always loved!
xoxoxo