the advanced nurser a.k.a. "why am i doing this?"

Oh breastfeeding. This is a picture my sister took when Elliott was a few days old. Newborn nursing with the breast looming larger than infant's head. What a trip.

Saschy is two and five months and she is nursing often. It is not comfortable. It would be easy to tell myself that this must mean it is time to wean, and yet, I resist. I've heard enough stories about nursing after two being strenuous, intense, and frequent that I'm beginning to wonder if there isn't something important happening here. I've not heard of any research about the critical value of nursing between two and three years old and older. Apparently only 19% of mothers continue breastfeeding after one year. This intrigues me. I'm beginning to formulate some of my own theories about why this is so, if not for the general public, at least for myself, to help sustain me and keep me in the tender, nurturing frame of mind rather than the what-the-hell-is-your-problem-get-off-me frame of mind one might be tempted to stumble into.

:: children over two years old have been deeply immersed in the differentiation stage ( where they are moving between strong attachment and tentative independence from their mother) long enough to realize how vital this mother connection is. they will nurse more frequently and with greater fervor to ensure the mother is committed to them and willing to love them without condition.

:: after learning to move freely away from the mother, the child of 2 and 3 years old needs to spend longer periods of time than one might expect resting and being still as only happens at the breast. Still able to observe what is happening around them, their biochemistry is able to find homeostasis, integrating the calm of the breast with the tempered input from the world outside. 

:: learning from an authentic mother who shares some of her discomfort and desires to stop nursing or change how nursing is done allows a child to understand that a relationship is a mutual endeavor. the child builds a foundation of understanding giving and receiving and also comes to appreciate the immense gift of love and connection she is being given by the mother willing to breastfeed.

:: meditation is a profoundly transformative tool which alters brain chemistry in positive ways. toddlers who nurse build the same neuropathways and open, loving perspectives as people who meditate consistently.

:: for the mother, breastfeeding beyond infancy offers many of the same benefits: periods of calm and stillness to foster meditative qualities; deepening of connection and relationship with her child; and the inner strength and resourcefulness that comes from choosing willingness, rather than willfulness, trust rather than control, and connection rather than accomplishment. 

ok. those are my made-up reasons in favor of long-term breastfeeding. i feel much better already.   

Comments

[kris laroche]

thanks for this, friend. yes, suckling an enormous child. its quite something!

[Tru]

How perfect were your questions for rewriting the narrative that's been playing in my own head...thank you again!

[6512 and growing]

Kris,
I am still nursing my 3 1/2 year old. And outside of the two times a day we nurse (morning and before nap) I don't think about it much. Although I do know better than to go announcing it in most circles.

Every now and then I feel startled to be suckling this enormous child, who's been speaking in complete sentences for well over a year. But man that girl is healthy.

[kris laroche]

dear tru: what if she can handle your frustration? what if you dont have to be patient all the time? what if she will learn BETTER that you love her unconditionally BECAUSE you get frustrated? what if you talk to her later and explain your feelings and your regrets and your wishes? what if she is learning how to read the cues of frustration in you and then deciding about whether she wants to help you out or she wants to pursue her own interests (neither being right or wrong)? what if its ok? with love to you and to her.

[Tru]

Thank you. I, like the others who commented, needed to hear this. I have a 20 month old daughter, and I always intended to breast feed her until at least 2 years. I find it so challenging sometimes at night when she doesn't want to stop but I just can't seem to be patient and connected in that way any longer. I feel frustrated with her, with myself, and then I feel guilty afterwards, even if I am calm and patient enough in saying, "Mom is ready to stop nursing now, but we can nurse again tomorrow." I carry that guilt with me throughout the night and feel as if I've failed her, as if she won't believe I love her unconditionally or that I'm always going to be there for her.

Thanks to your post, I have every intention of nursing her until the age when _she_ is ready to wean, but I still will struggle with the times when I say "enough" and she doesn't comply. I want to find the most gentle way I can to ask her to stop for the time being. I want to cultivate the most patience I can. I want to assure her that her needs will be met and she can feel safe and secure.

But how do I do this when, in the moment, I let my frustration carry me away from my patience?

[Shelly]

Thank you so much for posting this!! I think these feelings are extremely common, but it feels so taboo to 1. admit you are "still" breastfeeding and 2. that you don't just love every second of it. My 37 mos old son nurses at least 4 times a day. Some days thats fine, some days its pretty painful and I frequently catch myself getting aggravated by any additional requests. I have found that if I just say yes, but set a time limit we are both happy and get what we want. One other thing I've found thats been difficult as he's grown is getting a proper latch. He's very tall for his age and nurses off and on during nap. Our big rocker isn't that big anymore. I'm also finding mysellf struggling nutritionally. The healthy reserves my body had stored up are way depleted and its wreaking havoc with my moods, sleep, and hormones. I'm really struggling with this right now.
One thing that I found to help lessen the seemingly constant night requests, especially since he has always refused to nurse side-laying, was to tell him "the buffet (our code word) needed some sleep to fill up". It helped out most nights.
Thank you for sharing this and hope you do continue to share your journey!! I laugh when I look back and rememer my nursing goals: when he was first born I only hoped I could breastfeed; then I just wanted to make it to one yr; then I really hoped for 2 yrs because it was better for him; now I'm just hoping he weans sometime, preferrable before he gets his driver's license ;)

[heidi]

i pray for a world where no one is judged for doing what works best for them in each moment. where acceptance reigns supreme. because i think, ironically, that with acceptance we will see the change we want to see (not excusing inappropriate behavior, of course)! after all, we are all doing the best we can with where we are in each moment. so maybe that means breastfeeding until the kids are 6 or maybe it means not breastfeeding at all. until we stop judging things as 'weird' or some other label, aren't we just perpetuating the duality in our lives, worlds that we are working to rise above?
peace and love to you all.
heidi (aka kris' sister)
www.heidibuecking.com

[kris laroche]

hilaree. i adore you.
thanks for this bigger perspective.
our culture is weird.

[kris laroche]

hi kara.
oh that sleep stuff is hard. i tell myself that it will change, that i am choosing to stay up late and could go to bed earlier (thus not blaming my kids for my own choices, which i can easily do), and sometimes in the night i am begging her to stop nursing. sometimes she does and sometimes she doesn't. thing is that it WILL change and i would rather use this situation which puts me up against this adversity as a chance to work on myself, rather than a chance to control and change my kids. that's just what feels better to me.
secondly, with your parents, that's so tricky. it's like you are being called upon to be your strong, true self in the face of the hardest people to do that with. for the sake of the one you love so much. so much tension in that situation for you. i feel for you. i have heard of people asking their child to not nurse in that situation, explaining you are shy about it with your parents and that you will offer it up right after the visit?
the question is what do YOU want. who do YOU want to be. instead of making choices to get away from something (like kind of by default), what do you want to move towards?
i am sending you love. you will find your way through all this.

[Jennifer]

Yes, yes, and yes! Thank you for opening up this conversation. My boy is 2 years and 3 months and we're the only pair still nursing in my mama circles (4 or 5 times a day, and they all happen at home). Though I don't feel judged by outsiders, I feel the inner struggle with continued breastfeeding, the push and the pull with my active, emotionally charged toddler. For a while, I was doing the "don't ask, don't refuse" thing, but then he ramped up on his asking. At inopportune times (like dinner prep, while I'm in the bathroom, etc.), I now tell him it's not time for mommy milk, but offer hugs, snacks, and attention. Also, when he's been nursing for 20 minutes or so, and I feel myself getting itchy, I now tell him that "mommy's done nursing now, and we'll do one more minute of nursing, then we'll go downstairs for a snack and play". And he may shake his head "no", but he does comply, and he's happy about it. I agree with the idea that he's now cognitively able to understand that nursing is a two-person relationship, and that I have a say in what happens, too. I love nursing him for the emotional benefits for both of us, the closeness I feel for him, and the safe place he gets to be in. And also any actual nourishment he's getting from my dwindling supply, as some days all he'll eat is grapes and crackers... That's what keeps me going. I try not to have a time-table for weaning, or any milestone for that matter. I've given up on what he "should" want to be doing by now, and that is absolutely liberating.

[Angela]

love this post! right now nursing my babe to sleep, heavy as she feels on my lap, but so quiet and peaceful after such a busy day, all the while thinking about her 3rd birthday tomorrow! especially loved the ideas of having inner strength, meditative qualities for mama and child, and how it is such an awesome example of teaching our loves about a mutual relationship. how true!!!

my strong in many ways daughter still nurses frequently, and when she goes for a stretch without, she will sit and nurse for a long time, both sides. sometimes i feel so drained, and sometimes will tell her that, and she listens. both my boys stopped right before turning 3, so i often wonder how long she will go. just tell myself in those moments that the time when they are young really is so fleeting.

thank you for this post, and for your list of reasons to breastfeed long-term, i feel better now, too :-)

[Teri]

Great post and I love everyone's comments. Our experience was that at 2 years 7 months we went on a trip together (just the two of us - dad stayed home). There was so much variety from our normal routine that she ended up not nursing as much and by the time we got home 9 days later, she was weaned. I was also pregnant at the time (still am), so the milk had pretty much dried up anyways.

That said, my daughter (now 2 years 10 months) still frequently wants to "nurse". We settle into the nursing position and she puts her face close to my breast and sort of relaxes into this position. I think there is a real need at this age to connect with mama and to enter into a state of deep relaxation and total trust.

But let me add that I was READY to wean. We had been doing it very very gradually - no night nursing, then only at sleep time, etc. My daughter is one of the most strong willed individuals that I have ever met and I was deeply surprised that she entered into each of these transitions with virtually no protest. I fully agree with you Kris, that communicating your needs as a parent is very important and teaches our kids that we can be honest with them, support their needs, and still have some of our own.

Great dialogue!

[Martha]

i find the idea of an "authentic mother" interesting, in all of the dimensions it excites in me. thanks. i am not breastfeeding a toddler but i am supportive of it and of your working through the issues involved.

[robin (woowoomama)]

my pea is 2 years 3 months and i feel you. actually, the last week or two things have calmed down a bit again but it does seem that the two's are an intense time for nursing (kind of like 12 months was!)

the other day i was realizing the tendency i have to see her as "so grown up." she is very verbal and mimics so much of her older brothers behaviors that she often seems older to me than she is (two is still SO young really). so anyway, i was encouraging myself to see our time spent nursing as time for me to be meditative about her true age and needs. to be present with this baby.child instead of wishing she would hurry up and -- what? wean? grow up? not be two? those wishes feel like a waste of my time when i really sit with them. and then, suddenly, nursing does not feel like a waste of time.

lets keep this conversation going...it is hard to find really open conversations about nursing your babe past 2.

robin

[natalie]

you are awesome.

[Hilaree]

What a wonderful post, Kris! Here's something interesting - right now, I believe the average international weaning age is 4.5 years old. So, around the world, children continue to breastfeed much longer than 2 or 3, or even 4. My oldest daughter is 6 and is nursing every now and then. I just recently weaned her from bedtime nursing because I felt that at 6 she needed her own falling asleep coping mechanisms, and she is doing great with some relaxation techniques we're working on. I continue to nurse my 4 year old son and my 23 month old daughter. I have different boundaries in place with them that make us all feel comfortable. For instance, I no longer nurse my 4 year old in public. Our culture is just not ready for that. I'll just tell him, "We don't have nunny at the playground. We can snuggle on this bench, though."
One piece of advice I can offer those here is that extended breastfeeding is a mutual endeavor. So one of the many beautiful things you can teach your child is that mama has boundaries and limits and needs, just like every human. Respecting each other through extended nursing is so lovely. We need to find ways in our culture to continue to breastfeed older children in ways that are accomodating to both mama and child.
Here's something to consider - In Mongolia, breastfeeding is considering such a treasure that women will even pump some for their husbands and leave it in the fridge for him.

[Melissa Humphries]

That is a fantastic list of reasons, so intuitive, I found feeds got very frequent around two years and it was difficult. It was difficult to feed so fequently such a large child and yet it was difficult to say no. I kept at it though, remembering to always offer a drink or snack when he requested a feed did help as often this would satisfy him (for a while) .My son has just turned 3 and it has gotten so much easier,still having an early morning and a bedtime feed, ahhh,so easy. I am glad I persisted as I am enjoying BF relationship again. I think your point no. 3 is a very good one. Thanks

[Kara]

I can see the benefits of extended breastfeeding. How are you managing a couple of things I am struggling with?...

1) my 19mo old still nurses 4x a night; sometimes I wonder if I will ever get any sleep, and i find i am getting more frustrated and less patient with time.
2) sometimes i want to wean because i'm not interested in justifying to others (ie, my parents who clearly understand the milk sign) why i'm still nursing and i really don't like being judged; in fact being with my 19mo old around my parents causes me anxiety as i hope she doesn't ask to nurse while we're all together

At any rate, those are my challenges right now, and I'm trying to decide whether to wean or continue on. She's so strong, I'm not even sure I could wean if I tried :).

[Isabel]

I like those reasons. I know that for my kids each step further out into the wide world was coupled with a renewed intensity in the need for reassurance and reconnection which was often met with nursing.