Parenting A Free Child: An Unschooled Life

I'm reading this book. I'm a better mama, because of it. 

It takes such a fierce determination for me to stay true to my strongest wants as a mama: to put my relationship with my children above and beyond everything else and to trust, trust, trust them. Fear is constantly gnawing at the outer edges and mainstream ideas and beliefs dilute me. Sometimes trying to make even a simple decision (mom, can I watch a movie?) is crippling as the different voices deliberate incessantly in my mind. Yesterday, I put my forehead in my hand and said...I'm so confused, and Elliott asked, why? 

because i want to trust you and let you choose for yourself and i believe in you but i've also controlled you so i'm not sure what you will do if i let the control of tv and sugar off and yet you are not in school so apparently tv and movies aren't detrimental and might even be positive because you learn so much and yet it just doesn't feel good to me to be watching for so long and your eyes get all red and you are still so sad when it's over and then you don't play so maybe it's better to restrict it but then you are so mad because you have a controlling mama and what's most important to me is our connection and so maybe you lose trust in me and yet maybe tv and sugar are addictive and fall outside the normal range of ............no shit. this is what it's like in my head. 

Reading Rue's book doesn't solve all this for me. In some ways it brings the dilemma out into the light. It's so much easier to just have a rule and stick to it. Friday night movies and that's it. No sugar unless I really feel like a cookie then we have some (I know...some rule, right? I suck. It's true.)

And yet, and yet, I LOVE THIS BOOK. It reminds me of what I want. It makes me think. I played with my kids more today. I folded over so many pages to go back and re-read so that I remember what is possible when you live by your very own principles.

Rue and Jon have trusted their kids completely, from the start. There are no food issues:

"My children have always made their own food choices and have well balanced, nutritious diets. They do not think of food as good or bad but as fuel for their bodies. They have never wanted any food badly enough to beg for it because they have never had to beg for any food. They eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. How many adults who were controlled as children wish they had that ability?" 

There are also no tv issues, or bed"time" issues. No teeth brushing issues or any other thing. Her children are now 18 and 14 and they are free people who care about others, who are deeply connected with their parents. 

"Every moment of childhood-of life-is a potential memory. I want my children's memories of me to be happy ones. I want them to know that I am on their side, here to help them do/get/be whatever they want. My job is not to shape them, but to give them the room and the time and whatever else they need to be who they already are and to show them with my words and actions that they are exactly whom I would like them to be."

"(my children) are two of my closest friends. They probably know me better than anyone else does. We share every day and extraordinary experiences. The relationships Jon and I have with them almost require a whole different vocabulary than the average parent/child relationship. For me, this is the most wonderful benefit of living an unschooled life. Our lives are intertwined and connected. I can guarantee you that they feel loved, because that is the number one priority in our family."

Parenting A Free Child is written in question and answer format, so it's easy and fun to pick up for a five minute read or to devour the whole thing in one enormous, beautiful bite. I find it so helpful to continually feed myself stories of other people's lives, people who share the same passion of honoring children. 

I want to listen to my children and trust them. I want to give them any information they ask for. I want to stand up for them. I want to take their interests and needs and wants seriously. I want them to feel cherished and adored by me. I want them to know that I am here for them. I want to put fear aside and let our connection take first place. I want them to be free. Free to be who they already. 

I don't know what this means for tv and sugar. Those are most scary to me, for sure. I do know that our connection felt stronger today, just because I remained steadfast about that being most important. It's funny how being together every day isn't enough. I can easily slip into not BEING together (our own version of parallel play where I do my thing and they do their thing and sweeping becomes more important than tying the strap on the baby doll just so) and that's doesn't feel right. The house will be messier. 

 

If you are curious about this unschooling thing and another family's story of letting go of control for the sake of connection, there's this:

Parenting Pit: From Control to Connection

Comments

[kris laroche]

One more thing...I do agree that parenting children is beneficial, and yet, when one person thinks parenting and I think parenting, it can be astonishingly different. What I hear NINETY NINE PERCENT of the time out there in the world is HORRIFYING to me. Absolutely demeaning, disrespectful, unkind, obnoxious, manipulative, bullying, untrue, and downright mean. I am talking about the parents. So I want to be careful whenever I say that I agree kids need parenting. My quest is to offer information and guidance and nurturing that is actually helpful to these little people who are new here and who are also worthy of our utmost respect.

[kris laroche]

HI Grace:
Yes, there is that too. I notice how often throughout the day I am, indeed, guiding, rather than allowing. Wait until you see my post today. ugh.

[Grace]

Wow... I could not disagree more with the premise that children will just "know" instinctively what they need... Unfortunately, we are in a cultural climate in which ALL of us have been bombarded with messages about wants, needs, shoulds, mights, shouldn'ts... a climate in which the tiniest toddlers are seen as fair game to be marketed TO...
How in the world is a child supposed to choose NOT to watch something that has been designed, frame by frame, color by color, to addict? And to sell?
There are many, many, many choices I actually think children should not be the "bosses" of. Sometimes parenting our children is the most freeing thing we can do for them.
-Grace

[Debbie]

I've been wanting to read this book FOREVER, but haven't been able to get it. Going to try again in the morning.

I HEAR you. I have days where I say YES to everything...it's fine. We connect and trust and our day is smooth sailing. And then I have a day where I am like, "You've had enough sugar so no you can't have ANOTHER cookie." And then I feel down because I'm not trusting him. He pulls away. Argh...it sucks.

TV isn't an issue for us...we don't have one. But we do have a computer and my son (4 years old) loves it. I have to admit, there are days where he's on it for an hour, turns it off and walks away. YES!!! And there are days where he's on it from 9:30 until 4:30 with pretty much no lunch break. *Sigh* I really do try to trust because I see it works so much better. While there may be a few weeks where your kids seem a little crazy because they don't know that you aren't about to start controlling them again, once they realize it...thins will balance out.

Glad to know I'm not alone. It is incredibly hard to let go of the control when it's all you've ever known.

Sending peace to your heart. xo Debbie

[susan]

The conundrum I find myself in is that my daughter has chosen to go to a very standard public school, despite all the choices she was given for where she could spend her days. It is hard to support her decision, but I'm trying.

[Martha]

also thought provoking for me. i agree with you about tv and sugar being big. on some days they seem bigger to me than on others. it's interesting how our own interiors predict or sort of set the stage for how we feel and respond. often for me an underlying unrelated tension is the cause of my feeling the 'bigness' of something like tv or sugar. to the occasional cookie and the occasional inconsistency modeled, i say hooray.