I tried. I tried saying "yes". On Friday, I said "yes" to Elliott's upon waking request to watch something on the computer. And when he said, one more? I said yes.
It was quite a day. He watched Caillou for FOURTEEN HOURS. From 7am until 9pm with about an 11 and a half minute break to take a bath with us. I was dumbfounded. Saschy joined him for more than I would have imagined, though often that included me sitting with them and nursing her.
My personal range of emotions throughout this epic event was vast.
Early in the day when I had cleaned the bathroom, swept and mopped the floor, done all the dishes, made vanilla cupcakes, and was rolling out the yoga mat, I was thinking, well, isn't this just delightful. Instead of using watching as yet another control tactic, instigated by me offering the suggestion, wanna watch something? in those moments when I want to change the sheets instead of building another fort, this was their choice. They were in the driver's seat. And that felt good. AND I was doing what I wanted to do, happily joining them on the couch to watch together between other pleasurable mama-esque activities. We were together, and everyone was content.
I admit it, sometimes it felt downright victorious. Like here I had been slaving away, making it all MUCH harder than it needed to be, when the answer was right here in front of us. FREE TO CHOOSE. As long as I kept the fear gremlins at bay....
They wanted to creep in, whispering in my ear...brain damage...eye sight deterioration...dumbing down...bad media...bad technology...screen time...idea pollution....lack of imagination....passivity....they will never play again....ARRRGGGG!!
Yes, as long as those thoughts stayed away, I was fine. It took some diligent effort to stay present and simply enjoy what was happening: everyone was happy.
At around one o'clock. I started to wonder. Will this ever stop? I pushed a little harder to get outside, offering up enticing (or so I thought) temptations to go to the Carousel, the favorite playgrounds, soccer in the yard, anything ANYTHING, to take a break and get outside. Nothing doing. When I realized that this was likely going to last all day, I let it go and fell back into a slightly less, yet still alright, groove of enjoying his enjoyment of freedom.
I had a wave of feeling that was reminiscent of when I started eating meat after being a vegetarian for years. I've been self righteous and a martyr. Now, I am THAT mom, the one who has children who so the unthinkable: watch all day long.
Fourteen hours is a long time, see?
Day two: my resolve held strong in the morning, in spite of the immediate 6:30 am, can I watch? YES. I said. His sheer astonished delight kept me going for a bit. Saschy was pretty much over it, though and wanted me to nurse, nurse, nurse. Papa was home, too and he hadn't read the book so after a couple of hours, he started thinking this was f*ing weird and just not right. I couldn't defend it because now I didn't know either. I was completely over the incessant drone of Caillou in the background of our day and started to feel scared.
What if this wasn't ever going to end?
What if he would never want to stop?
What if the binge period after being controlled lasted longer than any of the rest of us could handle?
What if I'd made a terrible mistake?
(Why is TRUST so much harder than FEAR?)
He was chewing on his shirt, ripping his jeans, still smiling and laughing, but goodness. The day went downhill from there. To be honest, it was awful. AWFUL. We staggered through until bedtime, somehow with 9 more hours of watching under his belt. Horrible. I felt (feel?) foolish because I knew that I couldn't do it like this, so I'd given him something that I was now going to try to take away. Like the worst mother ever. I adore the ideas in Rue's book, and I see that transitioning to that kind of freedom is a totally different beast than living it from the beginning.
Today we didn't watch. There were tears and I did my very best to explain it with love and no blame and honesty and partnership. It went something like this...
honey, I know that you got to choose how much you wanted to watch and that we all agreed to try that and it just didn't seem to work for our whole family. i know you loved that and i want you to have so much choice in your life because you ARE able to make your own choices. and with tv and sugar i want to guide you more. it seemed to me that you started to feel sick from that much watching. after awhile it didn't seem to be working for you either. i had such a hard time listening to the computer for that long and i missed you. i missed playing with you and saschy and talking and being together and going outside and moving our bodies. i love you and i want us to try something different today and we will go have adventures and find things that you love to do so that you will hopefully not miss the computer too much.
Today the computer stayed tucked away. They played and we had adventures outside and we watched about a little all together after dinner. He cried sometimes when he wanted to watch. I held him and cried too, scared that I've screwed up.
Kris,
I liked the title of your post. Even though I inherently trust my parenting simply because I love my children and care for their lives, there is a lot of dogma and parenting philosophies out there, and I so often feel conflicted about whether I'm doing The Best Thing for my kids.
You were so brave to try this experiment. (I would have broken out in hives before following it through). And you are brave to blog about it.
I agree with other commenters who said that children need boundaries, they beg for them in their own way. That said, there is always the elusive "balance," in which Mama's needs are just as important (more?) than the children's.
Take care,
Rachel
Posted by: 6512 and growing | November 23, 2010 at 01:43 PM
hi bill. i appreciate what you are saying. it got me thinking about when my parents asked me if i wanted braces and i actually did, but it seemed like the cool thing to do was to hate them so i said no and i regret that now. they also asked me at one point if i wanted to do french immersion. oh boy, another huge regret. seeing it from this point of view was so helpful. what i know now, looking back, i would certainly make different choices. i do think that children given the opportunity to develop mature decision making skills would be more in tune with their inner wisdom and yes, they are still kids. we have much to offer them as guides and leaders. thanks for adding your thoughts to the mix.
Posted by: kris laroche | November 21, 2010 at 08:25 PM
Dear Kris-
I want you to know that I totally understand how emotionally exhausting it is to have small children. Don't worry about feeling you are struggling at home or in your marriage. It seems you are working hard for a beautiful purpose- your hard work will pay off. When my oldest were two and not even a year old my husband was going through a very hard time and we separated for 9 months. Our marriage was more work than fun for a very long time, but we really did find our best selves again and we are still together, struggling as a family every day. It really is true- life is a slow journey! Thank you for sharing your perspective. Be sure though to also write for yourself in a personal journal- I think you'll connect with your own strength and the beautiful, loving guidance you have to share with your little cuties.
Posted by: Michelle | November 19, 2010 at 07:54 PM
hi michelle.
i hear you. and agree so much. this whole post and everyones comments is helping me see a different perspective. i was a teacher and believe i was pretty good at it: setting clear limits, being the loving and also firm guide that they could lean into and feel safe with because they knew what was ok and what was not ok. its messier with my own children. im struggling in my marriage and so maybe im needing more connection with my own children as a way of fulfilling myself. i dont know. i also see myself healing my own little me from childhood stuff, so thats all tied in there too. i know that i dont write about it much because im more inspired to write about trusting children and giving them credit for their brilliance, but i do say no a ton. maybe not as much as you do, but lots. i am inconsistent and open and sensitive and i feel things deeply and they get all this too. im not a robot as a mama, thats for sure. but i see in how they are that they are confident, at ease, safe. they know they can rely on me. i am strong. just tonite, i held my girl while she sobbed and sobbed because she didnt want to brush her teeth. i held her and empathized with her and kissed her and then she opened her mouth saying i ready (while still sobbing) and i brushed. i can imagine it was so hard for you to have an unstable mother. i guess if i had to choose, i would say it IS better to err on the side of too many limits than none at all. what a lonely girl you must have been. i feel that kind of pain for you. i want my children to know that hard things will happen to them and that they will be just fine. hard things will make them stronger. i just try to see from their point of view what is hard and i am not willing to punish them for having feelings or for being human (or for anything, for that matter). limits are everywhere. they are limited many times every day. i dont have to create those arbitrarily. its such an interesting conversation, isnt it? im glad you are here, being part of it. with love for you and yours, kris
Posted by: kris laroche | November 18, 2010 at 07:30 PM
Thank you for sharing. I always enjoy reading about your enthusiasm and the care you extend to your children. You obviously love them very much.
I don't understand your reluctance to be firm with them though, and to set limits. I think if parents love their children deeply and communicate with them about their unconditional love, they should not worry about being firm and discipling them. This is definietly a sign of love. Doing whats best for them even in the face of tears and aguments is an important demonstration of care and stability. Children need this to thrive. I grew up with a single mother who was chronically mentally ill, and many times I felt alone in the world with no idea of what to do. I would have welcomed a firm, loving guide.
It seems like the parent's personal issue when they cannot accept any type of pain or discomfort that a child may go through. Sometimes the answer is no and this is best for everyone involved. Also, our bodies and minds are build on what we feed it. If we eat salty, sweet and fatty foods until we are five, our bodies will be physiologically disposed to craving that food. The same is true for our experiences. Parents can help their children by guiding them to engage in positive experiences. These will create neurological pathways in their brains and make it easier for them to continue these positive behaviors. (Unfortunately, the same is true for creating negative pathways).
My oldest child is now 12, my youngest is 2. Thank you again for sharing your experience - I always wondered what would happen if I let them watch tv for as long as they wanted! They would have done the exact same thing but I would have had a meltdown long before two days were up!
Posted by: Michelle | November 18, 2010 at 05:08 PM
i don't have anything thoughtful to say that hasn't already been said. but i was so in love with the fact that you were brave to post this that i couldn't say nothing.
i think your kids are blessed to have such a brave mama - among all the other gifts you are giivng them by being real.
peace
Posted by: robin (woowoomama) | November 17, 2010 at 10:54 AM
When Martha told me about this experiment and your post about it my initial reaction was "that seems completely nuts." I like the idea, in theory, of giving children the opportunities to learn for themselves what works and what doesn't, but I also think back on the choices I made as a kid (allowed to play video games whenever I wanted, copious amounts of TV) and I regret all that time I wasn't doing something more creative or inspiring.
Take the idea to extreme and I think kids can really hurt themselves by making bad choices when they don't realize that's possible. (teenagers, alcohol, drugs, anyone?) Maybe not so much for television, which I think merely sets out to entertain, but I know that video game designers set out to make them addictive. http://www.cracked.com/article_18461_5-creepy-ways-video-games-are-trying-to-get-you-addicted.html. So am I going to let my son have at it and see how he reacts to an unlimited amount of video game time? Nope.
I think it's our responsibility to find a balance between letting kids safely explore their world to find what works for them and setting limits. As parents we have the wisdom of our years and sometimes we really do know better. Sometimes.
I really admire your willingness to share this, and I don't think you've hurt your kids.
Posted by: Bill | November 17, 2010 at 08:13 AM
I appreciate your efforts to raise your kids differently then you were raises- to give them more freedom and a more genuine connection to you. However, I really believe that it is our job as parents to set limits for our little ones, who in all honesty are not capable of doing so themselves with some things (otherwise they wouldn't be little ones anymore. Children need to be comfortable hearing "no" as well as "yes" from their parents. Hearing "no" sometimes helps to make the "yes" moments even sweeter. Afterall, doesn't the darkness make the light seem brighter? And doesn't the experience of sorrow make the experience of joy even sweeter? Don't be afraid to let your kids experience both sides.
Posted by: susan | November 16, 2010 at 11:53 AM
carrie. your comment offers great inspiration to me. i'm relieved to know that i can trust my own desire to encourage them to play together, without relying on media. i love hearing your story of "making it", if you know what i mean. thank god. i was telling elliott what you told your sons, about how he actually wasn't choosing because of how you said the makers of the show designed it. that lightbulb went off it me too, how it isn't choice when it's that clever brainwashing and manipulation. i felt that inside, but guess i needed to go to this extreme place to really feel it and trust it. we've hardly watched at all the last two days and we are all so much happier. and i will take it even further with pushing passed the "bored" and into the deeper realms of imagination and play (that relieves mama of exhausted play slavery). xxxooo thank you always for being here.
Posted by: kris laroche | November 15, 2010 at 08:03 PM
chris. your comment made me cry. thank you.thank you for seeing the light in me.
Posted by: kris laroche | November 15, 2010 at 07:59 PM
martha...yep. willing to be messy, contradictory, inconsistent. i've always thought of these as my faults and now i'm feeling more at ease with them, even seeing their value. thank you, friend. i'm so glad for you.
Posted by: kris laroche | November 15, 2010 at 07:57 PM
thank you tru. yes...yes yes. choosing to see this as perfect. i felt enormous relief tonite with that. we all talked about it more and elliott seemed to grow up before my very eyes as i shared others' experiences with the same thing. there are a million ways to the ends we are seeking...i was looking for connection and for him to feel powerful in his own life. and i'm also seeing now that feeling powerful also comes about when we realize our human-ness. freedom has a different look now.
Posted by: kris laroche | November 15, 2010 at 07:56 PM
stacey, i see what you are saying so clearly and agree with it. i think elliott has that addictive/strong/focused personality and he can't say no to his current passion. last winter he would wake up at 4am and want to put on his hockey gear and wear it all day. so i love what you are saying about trusting myself and knowing my children and making decisions based on intuition and trying, trying, not to be afraid or to think of myself (or anyone) as wrong or bad. it's just too hard with that added layer of crap. thank you so much. your son is a lucky boy.
Posted by: kris laroche | November 15, 2010 at 07:53 PM
thank you angela. i agree that the comments are so uplifting. i am a MUCH better parent tonite because of reading them. so relieved for this connection and these people. wow.
Posted by: kris laroche | November 15, 2010 at 07:51 PM
every time i come to this space i feel as if you are in my head, as if our paths are crossing with the same questions and the same trials. we have always homeschooled and i consider our family life learners. but lately, i have been reading more about radical unschooling, too, and wanting to infuse more choice into our days. i have attempted to just say yes to everything, trusting they will know what is best, but it doesn't always work out that way. sometimes too much choice is just too much. and then i feel as if i go from one side to the other in a heartbeat, and that doesn't feel good either. i think too much choice is tough on mama, too. oh, to find the balance.
your honesty is beautiful and the comments here so uplifting, to hear everyone on their own path, figuring out what works for them, finding balance in the midst of our little ones constantly changing. oh my, thank you for this space. love it here. you mamas rock!
Posted by: angela | November 15, 2010 at 06:58 PM
Holey moley. You are so brave and beautiful! And to share this all here with your readers...stunning and powerful. You. Have. Not. Screwed. Up.
As you may know, we are an unschooling family, and after years of trying out more and less choice, I've realized we are the big, experienced ones for a reason. Children are powerful learners, but they are extremely small and vulnerable. I just don't think they are capable of navigating the enormity of the world without us giving them boundaries, especially the teeny tiny children. Also, children don't really, truly understand cause and effect until they are at least five or maybe six. So when they are vomiting from eating 32 bags of Halloween candy at age 4, they're just not understanding that it was because of the candy.
Parenting is trial and error.
I personally struggle with desiring a succinct parenting philosophy to slide into every day, one that has a beautiful label and makes me feel like I am doing everything right! The problem is that my children just keep on changing, darn it.
:)
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your ongoing honest writing. You are a treasure to the planet.
Posted by: Hilaree | November 15, 2010 at 03:05 PM
Oh Dear Kris
been there done that.
A few years ago I too decided to let it go and let my boys watch TV and play video games.
An unschooling woman suggested it to me--the whole let them figure it out and me not control--yadda yadda
Did'nt work for us.
My son started having headaches--nightmares---totally addicted.
These things are super addictive,
We now have no media except for sports that my hubby watches.
When we cut it out I explained that the video games did'nt care about my son and that that feeling of ---I wanna play--i wanna play---is the games way of tricking him into thinking he needs it.
There was relief all around
My children never ask for media---it is a non issue
we are at a waldorf school so this helps but the thing that amazes me the most is how exhausting playing with my children all the time was--and how media seemed the answer and yet the real answer for us was to go thru the uncomfortableness of 'I'm bored ' and and for my children to LEARN how to play on their own.
They amaze me now with what they come up with and i have very little to do with any of it--well i seem to be cleaning it up alot--haha
There is another way---i have experienced it
I am so grateful to have found a way that works for all of us.
Oh and that darn Cailou--when my boy used to watch that show i was always amazed that all the boys his age sounded just like that Cailou---duh---age of imitation
Much love to you
xxxcarrie-anne
Posted by: carrie | November 15, 2010 at 01:54 PM
that is a really brave and honest post. i must admit that i could use going with some more messiness and experimenting in place of my more usual "assess the likely future outcomes and decide what is best" mode. love your courage in that arena.
AND i like that you found your way to your truth, and lead your son and your family toward a greater harmony. glad he cried, and glad you cried with him. this vulnerable territory needs to be crossed regularly for the richness of life to really sink in.
i have no doubt that this was no mistake and that you have NOT screwed up your kid. "Mistakes" are life's way of guiding us through terrain we would not choose to go on our own, but in the end are always made better for it. ESPECIALLY when met with the consciousness you bring to it.
thanks for the vulnerability and courage.
Posted by: Chris White | November 15, 2010 at 11:34 AM
This was so interesting for me to read. Thank you for sharing it all so generously. I appreciated especially the script of what you said to him at the end. I had some of the reactions that Tru really eloquently and supportively writes about. It seems like a lot of pain and (temporary) confusion might seem a cost but over-riding it seems an amazing signal to send the child/ren about being willing to be messy, contradictory, inconsistent in the name of growing, learning and living together ever closely.
Posted by: Martha | November 15, 2010 at 11:10 AM
A few weeks ago, you offered me so much empathy and wisdom in response to a comment I'd made; your questions to me are fitting for you as well. What if your willingness to try something new has shown your son unconditional love? What if the fact that you tried and it didn't work for you family has given him the opportunity to see even more love and compromise? What if, in the long run, you have opened up space for the whole family to explore choice, compassion, and understanding? What if your willingness to be human has shown him an important fact about relationships? What if everything is ok?
In the words of one of my mentors, everything is perfect or nothing is perfect. Choosing to see this experience, its pain, its messages as perfect is a liberating choice indeed.
Peace to you all.
Posted by: Tru | November 15, 2010 at 10:13 AM
There's just no getting around it...there are absolutely times when we must say no. I guess it all boils down to HOW we say it and what our children hear when we say it. Are they hearing NO NO NO? or are they hearing reasons that make sense?
thought-provoking post.
Posted by: Janis Meredith | November 15, 2010 at 07:32 AM
I am with you on the fear about this one. It is so hard -- it seems to me that when I let go of the control and let him watch, that it is all of a sudden on his mind constantly. When he wakes up "t.v. t.v. t.v." after we come back from story time or an errand -- "t.v. t.v. t.v." Like it has infected his brain or something. Sometimes I put the television away in the closet (to get it off of his mind), and then it seems like its power disappears for a while.
I think some people (kids included) have more addictive (or more intensely focused or something) personalities -- me included (not saying your child does) and it is harder for them to let go of these things. I just don't turn it on to things I like because of the distraction I feel. I literally cannot hear anything else when it is on.
I have decided to try to let go of feeling wrong or a bad parent and try to trust that I know myself and my son better than anyone else. I am making decisions based on my knowledge and intuition (and hopefully not fear).
Posted by: Stacey | November 15, 2010 at 06:33 AM