good-bye curls

I just finishes sweeping up a great big pile of curls. 

Elliott decided today that he wanted a hair cut. I can't remember the last time we cut his hair, other than a little trim of the bangs every few months. It was way past his shoulders. Skiing behind him yesterday up the rope tow I was amazed at those flowing locks and not so surprised that others were saying..."how old do you think she is?" He's been getting a lot of that lately, the gender confusion thing 'cause boys just don't have long hair usually, I guess. His innocence about it is precious.

Then, because it was getting in his eyes when he put on the hockey mask, he decided to cut it. Now it's short and I'm so sad about it. I cried the first time I cut it and I am crying now about it too. I supposed that at some point I'll stop feeling so sentimental about this baby...oops, I mean boy...and his child curls. It's so weird because in the utterly horrible moments of chaos and exhaustion and fury, I look forward to them growing up. Then like a schizophrenic, I'm crying about it and longing for it to stop rushing by so fast.

Oh bother. Guess that's just the way this is, this mothering thing. 

Then, listening to the first week of Chris White's Essential Parenting Home Course (which you can download for free from his blog), he read Kahlil Gilbran's words on children. I've read it before, and it still grabs at my chest and shakes me awake.

They are not ours. Never were. We get this deeply intimate experience of being with them, watching them, shepherding them, turning our lives inside out for them and with each day, they move more into their own true selves and away from their origin inside our bodies. That's what Life wants, isn't it?

And they we are, some day, back to being alone with ourselves, wondering what just happened. 

Comments

[kris laroche]

oh and by the way...no new camera. i was using the camera tim uses for work on that day. its been interesting being without it, like anything that doesnt go the way i think i want it to. in some ways it is freeing, when i let go and see the opening that is being offered. to experience the image directly, rather than from behind a hunk of metal and plastic. to enjoy other images and share them. to not be worried about where it is all the time. and i long for a camera, too. ive been a sewing fiend lately and so want to share pics of what ive been making...trusting that it is as it should be is such an appealing sensation, tho.

[kris laroche]

martha, i adore you. every time you share something, i am glad. i want to slurp up each word. thank you for being here. shepherd. i keep thinking about that word. i like being that for these littles...

[Martha]

i think about that quote of gilbran's a lot, too. someone gave it to me shortly before i was pregnant with amos. we, bill and i, had decided to adopt a baby, and we got deeply into the process, thinking everyday how the next big thing in our lives would be traveling to vietnam to meet ??? this baby. we bought a new tent for camping, imagining we would be with this little vietnamese someone we were so curious, excited about meeting. then i was pregnant. and truthfully the first months of understanding and accepting that were not easy. 'but i'm supposed to be going to vietnam, to meet and become the mother of another baby' my inner voice kept saying. somehow i could connect more to gilbran's words with the idea of an adopted child. but then slowly i shifted into understanding more that it's about every child, all children, who come helter skelter, any which way they do, into our lives, at the times that they do, finding us as we are. back then, i told a friend about my mixed feelings about pregnancy, my anxiety about embracing this non-adoptive child (it feels so strange and interesting to be writing and remembering it right now), and her response was 'who knows, maybe the spirit of that child you thought you were going to meet in vietnam is the spirit of the child inside you now.' i think about that idea often, too. mostly, just when deepening into that understanding, that acceptance that i am here to shepherd my son, to see him through his childhood lovingly and safely, to be on this path with him for this while, then the act of mothering can feel like even more hallowed ground. there is a rarity to it, something beyond transient. just a state of deep being and witnessing, like watching myself in a film. thank you for triggering this for me. the picture of your children in the sled is so mystical and interesting. i found myself recalling it after the few times i saw it on screen. also, made me wonder if you now have a new camera. or maybe that was someone else's.

[kris laroche]

thanks bergs.

[kris laroche]

oh teri. congratulations to you, dear friend. thank you for sharing this... yes, just because hes one month old doesnt mean you arent already missing the quick changes and growing all-too-fast. love to all of you.

[kris laroche]

hi maryam. this was helpful for me because if i think of the short hair as helping him to feel at ease with himself and to avoid the tormented feelings of being confused for being a girl, then i can survive my own feelings about it with much greater ease. thank you for this and love to all of you.

[Teri]

oh goodness. That just brought me to tears too! Granted, I'm in the postpartum flow of hormones and tears, but I was caught weeping in public the other day when someone reminded me to cherish every moment. Here is my boy, not even one month old yet, and I'm already crying about him getting older!

Back to being alone with ourselves. That just about sums it up, doesn't it.

[heidi]

i love reading about your parenting journey so much so thank you for sharing so honestly about it all. i too get so caught in the balance of wanting owen to grow and not wanting him to change one more iota! and thank you for the great parenting links too. you are such a support for me striving to be the parent i dream of.
h xo

[Maryam]

Oh this pulls at my heart, too, all these feelings of wanting them to grow up and wanting them to quit growing up.

My daughter buzzed her hair last summer and because half the time she's wearing boy hand-me-downs she gets a lot of "hey there buddy!" comments and people thinking she's a boy. Sadly she's caught on and is now annoyed by this. The innocence was real nice while it lasted. My son is still 4 and loves his girly hand-me-downs, so there's still that. :)