the other day a friend called. she is struggling with being a mama to her intense, sensitive, beautiful, fierce one year old child who wants all of her, especially in the middle of the night. she had tried a few other "counsellors" (big names, too) and was hurt, shamed, disappointed by the interactions. she wondered if i would be willing to coach her. she was offering a legitimate professional relationship because she trusts me and believes in my ability to help.
i said no.
i could hardly believe it as the words were coming out of my mouth, for a few reasons. i have often put myself in the position of "helping" (teacher, life coach..) and thought i liked that, thought that was what i am meant to do. also, being offered pay? ooh. that's appealing (i currently earn no money of my own). and i like her and believe in her, so having the chance to remind her of that? mmmm.
but i could see that creepy naggy thing in my periphy. that thing that may have always been there which led me to want to be credible, to be professional, to be sought after for my advice, to BE SOMEBODY. that thing which gets called ego. yuck. dark and ugly and heavy.
i said no to her because i don't want to have a schedule where i need to figure out who will be with these guys while i get on the phone for an hour. i don't want to give advice (in fact, i currently think that refusing to offer advice to anyone, ever, unless specifically asked to-and maybe even not then- is a critical practice for my growth as a spiritual being). i don't want to change myself to become more "credible" or "professional" (notice the lower case writing??) which i seem to do thinking i'm not good enough simply being myself. all that, in addition to believing there are other people who are so right for parent coaching who are available and willing to help.
the very moment i started to tell her no, i felt hummy inside. that light, tickley, open, contented feeling which is the feeling i get when i am honest. kind of scary and kind of fantastic.
liberation wears the color blue for me.
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