right now

on the cusp of a new year, i am thinking about what this past year has been, things i am grateful for, what the new year may bring, trying without luck to remember if there were any resolutions this time last year. 

i'm feeling kinda weepy, actually. a little sad and lonely and a little overcome with thankfulness, too. missing family on this cold, cold day where a trek to the mailbox is a major adventure. all of us still not feeling that well, but not terrible either.

i had a dream last night that saschy drowned and i can't shake the image of pulling her limp body from the water under the log jam. it has lodged a mysterious sorrow into my bones.

the alpenglow-like late afternoon sunlight is streaming in the window, flooding the room with amber and also lighting up the dog hair on the ground. when i look at other blogs i feel inadequate and consider quitting. 

this is right now. this here. it's such a mix and i have no tidy beautiful message or conclusion for you. just what is oozing out of my finger tips in this little space of the universe. 

wishes for this year coming? to be more open and undefended. to resist less. to be honest and vulnerable. to love. to notice more that is before me. to connect. to show up and be seen. to trust Life.

tonite we will pour sparkling apple cider and pop in some frozen strawberries to bring in the New Year (at around 5pm, we think). quiet and true. 

i do wish you and all of your loved ones a Happy New Year. Thank you for your willingness to BE.

 

Comments

[carrie]

I just read this today as i have been taking a break from the computer
I love coming here to read your truth
I send you warmth and love and love and the words--this too shall pass
xxxcarrie-anne

[kris laroche]

yes, angela. we are so connected, all of us, in ways we cannot even begin to imagine. thanks for your encouragement. i do so like to share.

[angela]

i wrote a comment the other day, thought it went through, but didn't, so will try again... love your presence here, this space you have created, so cozy and accepting. love coming here to your words and thoughts on life and parenting, always seems so timely to where i am at in my world, but then again, aren't we all really connected together in this great big world on this great big journey. would love (if it is what you decide) for you to stay :-).

and, hear you, my friend, thankful and sad, longing and weepy. your dream sounds like a vivid glimpse into being overcome, a mama's way of sorting through the mix. i always dream deep when i am overcome, overtired, under the weather, heavy on emotion. love how real you are, such strength in that.

many blessings to you in this new year, for health and connection and BEing with yourself and your family. i am hoping to allow more oozing thoughts to pour from my fingers, writing is so an art form. much, much peace and love to you :-)

[kris laroche]

martha...im glad you echoed this because each time it reminds me of why i am here and that rich and important things happen here. i want that. today on a cross country ski in the sparkling snowy cold woods by myself i though about how this blog is my art. i never thought of myself as an artist before but i think we all are....with mothering, you with writing, with our very being and however that expresses itself. and that i always feel better when ive written something honest here, something that matters, at least to me. if for no other reason than the people ive met and the deepening friendships with you and others, i am here. and...i work hard to avoid going to other blogs lots of time. maybe its denial or avoidance, i dont know, but its what i need to stay true and at least a little big clear. so much love to you....and im glad you like the hat!

[kris laroche]

thank you martha...and to all of you. it is a true pleasure to share the passing of time, both ordinary days and these bigger cycles, with you.

[kris laroche]

oh martha, i so appreciate your perspective. yes...something about that psychic shift. i still dont understand it all but i know that something deep happened or was being given to me in that dream. thank you for sharing that about little amos and what was happening for you. there are such sorrows with each passing and i dont think ive learned what i need to learn about how to be with all that in a self-loving and learning way. i am learning, tho. in no small part thanks to you. love to you all.

[martha]

finally:
Wish the four of you all the happiness and peace possible this year!
May we continue to learn, grow, and nurture the children within.

[martha]

also, about your troubling dream and the way it lingered. it reminded me of the first months when amos was so new, and we were sleeping with him. i had dreams like the one you described so often, and the confusions and panics were a deep part of that time for me. maybe there was some kind of core psychic shift going on. i did not feel much confidence then. i think i felt mostly bewildered, connected as i was to what was happening. something about a self passing on, for me. and the attendant sorrows, ready as i was. not that this connects with your present. but i appreciated what you shared.

[martha]

of course i cannot help but echo that i come here exactly because there is no tidy and beautiful message here. i want to shake the computer sometimes when i come across, or willingly 'visit', so many sites where the insistence on tidy, perfect, or whatever, is so in my face (and, or course, capable of dislodging my psyche and day and making? inspiring? causing? me to feel all sorts of strange misgivings about my own path and whatever lacks i perceive it having. who are these people? i don't even know them! i think to myself. and yet, the blogged projection of a person, a family, or a life can be strangely powerful, and i think often about why that is so. (which often threads me through an old post of yours from the parenting challenge titled something like "who is in your stadium?" which i printed out and taped to the wall for a spell last winter). i guess i am digressing. and of course your decisions about whether this is a place you want to be or make are entirely personal to you. whether you stop or not i can tell/remind you that your presence here has made a difference in my life and that of my family's. and i visit for many reasons, one of which is that it's not a show, or doesn't feel like one, to me at least.

[kris laroche]

thank you marjorie. that is satisfying to know! so glad for your words. blessings to you.

[marjorie]

I suppose it is selfish of me, but I so appreciate you putting into words how I feel sometime. Why isn't it all roses and sunshine? It's all good, it's all fine, just don't know how to BE in it sometimes.

BTW, I sent your words about holiday panic shopping and the true gift of being there (Let me remember, Dec 18th) to several friends. Your words hit many hearts that day. One even stopped herself from running to the Apple store to buy an iPhone for her 12 year old! Good save Kris!

[Jenniesmith@gmail.com]

Many blessings in the new year! <3

[kris laroche]

thank you friend. im glad to know you are here, mama2one.

[mama2one]

Thank you Kris for the light you have provided to me during many quiet and reflective moments of motherhood. I'm grateful for the shared experience. Blessings to you.

[kris laroche]

thank you brooke. thank you so much.

[Brooke]

Please do not quit. I appreciate your words here. Thank you for what you share.

[stacey simmons]

dear friend, please don't give up this blog, your honesty and vulnerability are just some of the reasons I read this. I am not looking for answers, or tidy conclusions. Luckily life is much juicier than that. The tender under belly of us all is what most interests me. Much love,stacey