natural parenting center

wretched

that's how it is around here right now. well, not every minute. like right this second, it is peaceful.

we are sick. again. our second major bout of illness this winter. oh my. i'm tempted to add unhelpful mental commentary of self-blame (what am i doing wrong that we are all sick again?). some moments are utter madness...both kids crying, snot flowing, everyone hacking then crying cause the cough hurts, nursing endlessly, wanting different things, and i feel awful myself. at night, they are leapfrogging with each other so that someone is always awake, or so it seems.

as always, breathing in and breathing out. quieting my busy brain. being just in this moment and nowhere else. knowing that it will change. that's what true healing is . 

it just is what it is. 

book recommendation

i like this book. a lot.

you can order it here.

realizing my folly

Either I've been looking at the world upside down or I'm beginning to look at it upside down (which may be more right than right side up) because I've seen something else I've been seeing/thinking/doing which can only be considered folly.

I've been striving for the end of "hard". Without realizing it, I've been searching for the exact right nourishing diets, the most ideal routine, the most magnificently crafted responses to scenario a, b or c, the precise combination of exercise and meditation and inspirational book reading, the best formulation of Law of Attraction visualizations. I've been trying to get it "right".

Maybe we always do this to some degree since we are, after all, humans forever growing and learning. But, I think that I've been doing it with the unconscious understanding that when I finally get it just right, then hardship will never come a knocking again. Ha.

When I heard that Adyashanti (spiritual teacher) got Bell's Palsy I was shocked. When I found out that Maezumi Roshi (exceptional Zen Master) had alcoholism and died at 64 after a drinking binge,  I was flabbergasted. What? WHAT? Are you kidding me?

I've been expecting logic: 1 (diet-mostly giving up all sugar ) + 1 (spiritual practice-rigorous and disciplined) + 1 (knowing and executing the "right" way to parent) = 3 (no more worries for me or my children). If I am GOOD then I will be REWARDED. Oh dear.

I've been expecting that the world operates in a right-side up kind of way  when really it's all so very upside down. Zen Masters are alcoholics.  Awakened people get sick. Even if I quit eating sugar and chocolate I may still have lumpy thighs. Even if I sit every night on that damn cushion, I will still feel grumpy and sad and irritable. No matter how fierce and clear my love for them, my children may never say to me: Mom, it's like we fell in love. 

We just don't know what's going to happen. All we know is that it's gonna be messy and hard, some moments. And it's gonna be unspeakable bliss, some moments. And every time that I push that crap away and try to design things so that that particular horrible situation that I hated never happens again I am missing this new moment that has arrived on my lap and is waiting, entirely open with a great wide smile, for the taking.

Seeing upside down, I realize that people who are happy (or maybe I mean truly alive and awake) accept everything AS IT IS....a half paralyzed face, lumpy thighs, and all these children, exactly as they are. 

the most important thing to do: nothing

the most important place to go: nowhere

the most important person to be: nobody

that part

we just had a harrowing going to bed time. i don't even think i can tell you all the details of it because i don't want to relive it right now. in the scheme of things it is small potatoes:  no one has cancer, there is a roof over our head and food in the fridge, we have family and live in a beautiful town where bombs are not dropping on us. 

it's just that sometimes the emotional turbulence that takes place within these four walls leaves me scoured out and somewhat shell-like by the end of the day.

i want to tell you this because i know that it is happening all over the world and i want everyone, everywhere to know: you are not alone, you are not crazy, you are not bad. trying to be a warm and loving and entirely accepting container for our children's torrential rushes of feeling is hard.  it just is. 

let's be sure to talk about that part too. 

belly yuck

this dear boy has been down with a fever and throwing up since yesterday. he's certainly feeling better now, though. my mama instincts come roar when these babes are sick. everything else loses all meaning and my focus is fierce. researching remedies, reminding myself to trust the fever because it is burning up whatever needs to go, on high alert lying beside his hot, still body all night and listening to his shallow breathing. 

dear boy. your strong body knows what to do.

 

 

 

 

 

sometimes i choose well

every day, i could easily feel strangled with regret. there are just so many things that i do that i wish i didn't. often, in the quiet of night, i cry. i'm impatient with myself looking back over the day, so hungry am i to mature.

lately, i've begun to pray. i am asking for help, for guidance, for grace to hold my hand in those crunch moments like when we are trying to get out the door and i'm overheated and the car is running and elliott is waiting and she says the socks aren't right. 

maybe someone is listening because today, once, i chose well. not at first. we went to the outdoor rink to skate and saschy was miserable and elliott was ecstatic in all his goalie gear. she finally ended up in the warm car playing with every dial and switch while he said good-bye to one wave of puck-shooters and waited hopefully for another to arrive. i was asking him to leave his beloved spot on the ice. he didn't want to. i got down on one knee, told him about us waiting, the time of day, papa at home, saschy being cold. i started down the road of ...do you know how much we did to make this happen for you? and slowly put it in reverse. 

why not nurse her in the warm car? what was so bad about that? why was i in such a rush? they really could both have what they wanted. 

my grip went slack and i let go of the push. i let myself genuinely feel for him. his deep love of what he was doing sunk in.

the script i was fighting went something like this...life is hard, too bad, you can't have it all your way, you have to think about other people, you just got to do what you like for awhile, why can't that be good enough, blah blah blah. 

but you know what? fuck it. life is going to give them an enormous heap of hard things. i don't want to. i want to be on their side, to add kindling to their hearts passions. i want to care deeply about what they care about.  and i will, whenever grace  shows up quick enough to smother my egomaniacal urge to demand things go my way. 

he went back out onto the ice and then several new skaters showed up tickled to shoot pucks at this mini goalie with glee in his eyes. i got into a cozy car with my girl to nurse. and a happy song came on the radio.  magic came rushing through my chest. 

a camera

my sister gifted me an old camera of theirs this holiday, helping me out after losing mine. oh what a gift. the heavy weight of it in the palm of my hand feels pretty much like a miracle. wish and wish and poof...here it actually is. thank you, sis.  i finally got around to ordering the cord needed to download pics, so here's a random sampling from the past few weeks to catch you up a little.

i just wish....

i often catch myself thinking something that begins like this...

i just wish.......

::i could take a bath right now

::i could watch a movie right now

::i could finish this telephone conversation

::i didn't have to make dinner

::they would stop fighting

::we could live in japan for a year

::they would play independently

::the sun would shine

blah blah blah blah blah

what i just realized is that every time i think this way, i hand over my chance to evolve. every single moment contains within it everything i need to wake up, to know god, to be love. my mind will NEVER be happy with what is before me. it will always want more, better, bigger, different. ALWAYS. when i become attached to what i am thinking, when i take action based on those thoughts that want things to be different, i am asleep. unconscious. wasting this gorgeous, imperfectly perfect moment which is the ONLY place where truth lives. wasting this offering that has been given to me.

i have been given this exact moment for a reason,  with all the parts i can't stand, which i would do anything to avoid and run, shrieking from. his is the precise script designed for me because this exact situation is, apparently, what i need in order to wake up. it is the key that fits my soul.

when i choose to keep wishing for something to be different, comparing and envying, longing and whining, then i postpone my evolution. life is wise and patient. it will wait and wait and wait for me. it will wait over many incarnations if that's what it takes. life will wait forever for me to see what has been right here in front of me all along.

do i really want to keep waiting? 

backing off

We had a beautiful night last night. After staying aware enough to what was happening right in front of me (rather than tuning in to my thinking mind exclusively), I could see that she is not ready to go all the way. Therefore, I am not ready. I will honor the new going to bed ritual of not nursing to sleep and then, when she asks for it in the wee hours of the morning, we nurse in bed. 

That's what we did last night and it felt so much better. Like sliding into the current instead of grinding uphill in deep snow with a heavy pack. She nursed on and off from about 3am till we got up. We both had more sleep.  She was incredibly loving and soft and open and sweet with me all morning. Ahhhh. 

She told me many times today, I love nursing.  When Elliott said, maybe when you are 19 you will stop nursing. She said, nope, I will still nurse. 

Oh love. Oh life. Sitting in stillness reveals truth, every time. Thank you to Divine Grace for being present.