realizing my folly

Either I've been looking at the world upside down or I'm beginning to look at it upside down (which may be more right than right side up) because I've seen something else I've been seeing/thinking/doing which can only be considered folly.

I've been striving for the end of "hard". Without realizing it, I've been searching for the exact right nourishing diets, the most ideal routine, the most magnificently crafted responses to scenario a, b or c, the precise combination of exercise and meditation and inspirational book reading, the best formulation of Law of Attraction visualizations. I've been trying to get it "right".

Maybe we always do this to some degree since we are, after all, humans forever growing and learning. But, I think that I've been doing it with the unconscious understanding that when I finally get it just right, then hardship will never come a knocking again. Ha.

When I heard that Adyashanti (spiritual teacher) got Bell's Palsy I was shocked. When I found out that Maezumi Roshi (exceptional Zen Master) had alcoholism and died at 64 after a drinking binge,  I was flabbergasted. What? WHAT? Are you kidding me?

I've been expecting logic: 1 (diet-mostly giving up all sugar ) + 1 (spiritual practice-rigorous and disciplined) + 1 (knowing and executing the "right" way to parent) = 3 (no more worries for me or my children). If I am GOOD then I will be REWARDED. Oh dear.

I've been expecting that the world operates in a right-side up kind of way  when really it's all so very upside down. Zen Masters are alcoholics.  Awakened people get sick. Even if I quit eating sugar and chocolate I may still have lumpy thighs. Even if I sit every night on that damn cushion, I will still feel grumpy and sad and irritable. No matter how fierce and clear my love for them, my children may never say to me: Mom, it's like we fell in love. 

We just don't know what's going to happen. All we know is that it's gonna be messy and hard, some moments. And it's gonna be unspeakable bliss, some moments. And every time that I push that crap away and try to design things so that that particular horrible situation that I hated never happens again I am missing this new moment that has arrived on my lap and is waiting, entirely open with a great wide smile, for the taking.

Seeing upside down, I realize that people who are happy (or maybe I mean truly alive and awake) accept everything AS IT IS....a half paralyzed face, lumpy thighs, and all these children, exactly as they are. 

Comments

[Maegan]

Wow. This is exactly what I needed to read this morning. Well, this week. Thank you for putting that feeling that comes with trying to make it all perfect into words. Here's to not missing the real moments happening NOW.

[Jennifer Myers Kaczmarek]

Kris,

I see this post as part II of the one you wrote a few weeks ago entitled "i just wish." I loved that post and I love this one too -- so much to soak in, so much to ponder and think on. I have to tell you that your thoughts/realizations you so generously shared in "i just wish" have stayed humming in my mind/heart since I read them. Just last night, at 3:30 a.m., when my little 15-month-old son was awake and inconsolable and I was pacing up and down the hallway with him, ad infinitum, and he wasn't falling asleep and my feet and arms began aching from the weight of him, I remembered what you had written about the NOW. I decided to surrender and stop wishing for another time (20 minutes from now, when I could be in bed - maybe?!) or another place (my nice, warm bed) or another state (sleep!). I watched the blizzard outside, I felt my son's warmth and weight. It didn't all become magically dreamy or blissful, but I was more centered.

This post is something I needed to hear too ... I KNOW it, inside, but the way you wrote it -- kudos! -- especially this part: "But, I think that I've been doing it with the unconscious understanding that when I finally get it just right, then hardship will never come a knocking again." I realized that, yes, this is underneath much of my striving.

Acceptance of what is. Knowledge that there will be blissful moments and hard ones too, no matter what we do. Yes. Thank you, so very much, for penning your thoughts on this, for your honesty and contemplation.

Jennifer

[kris laroche]

thank you to everyone for your tender suggestions for us. we are grateful and trying out lots of them. xxooo

[MaeH]

Always easier said then done, no?

But at least that awareness helps. I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept things "as is." I so want to be that way but there's just a part of me that likes to fix things. So glad to read that I'm not alone in this. :-)

[anne]

Oh, I totally get this. I feel like I spend most of every day scheming to figure it all out. I'm working very hard as accepting life as it is, but it's like I can't turn my brain off. It's totally exhausting.

[Martha]

this just made me laugh, laugh. so accurate. i loved it.

[Carrie]

Love this
The more I accept life and try not to control or figure everything out life feels so much better
My hubby always says to me---everything' s going to be ok---nothing needs to be figured out----

A good laugh at myself and my acceptance for wanting all the answers and surrender the ultimate gift of motherhood
Thank you for this post
Reminds me to relax
Xxxcarrie-anne

[Joanna]

yeah, it's all a big unknown, no matter what we do. how liberating. and kinda scary.

[natalie]

oh man. what a happy/sad realization. i like to think there are ways to guard against hardships too. but i guess it's also freeing to realize that everything that's going to come is just going to come- no matter how much water we drink or how much we yell/don't yell at our kids. hmm.
ps. it IS like you fell in love.

[Stacey]

:)

[tara]

God, how true...