every day, i could easily feel strangled with regret. there are just so many things that i do that i wish i didn't. often, in the quiet of night, i cry. i'm impatient with myself looking back over the day, so hungry am i to mature.
lately, i've begun to pray. i am asking for help, for guidance, for grace to hold my hand in those crunch moments like when we are trying to get out the door and i'm overheated and the car is running and elliott is waiting and she says the socks aren't right.
maybe someone is listening because today, once, i chose well. not at first. we went to the outdoor rink to skate and saschy was miserable and elliott was ecstatic in all his goalie gear. she finally ended up in the warm car playing with every dial and switch while he said good-bye to one wave of puck-shooters and waited hopefully for another to arrive. i was asking him to leave his beloved spot on the ice. he didn't want to. i got down on one knee, told him about us waiting, the time of day, papa at home, saschy being cold. i started down the road of ...do you know how much we did to make this happen for you? and slowly put it in reverse.
why not nurse her in the warm car? what was so bad about that? why was i in such a rush? they really could both have what they wanted.
my grip went slack and i let go of the push. i let myself genuinely feel for him. his deep love of what he was doing sunk in.
the script i was fighting went something like this...life is hard, too bad, you can't have it all your way, you have to think about other people, you just got to do what you like for awhile, why can't that be good enough, blah blah blah.
but you know what? fuck it. life is going to give them an enormous heap of hard things. i don't want to. i want to be on their side, to add kindling to their hearts passions. i want to care deeply about what they care about. and i will, whenever grace shows up quick enough to smother my egomaniacal urge to demand things go my way.
he went back out onto the ice and then several new skaters showed up tickled to shoot pucks at this mini goalie with glee in his eyes. i got into a cozy car with my girl to nurse. and a happy song came on the radio. magic came rushing through my chest.
Yay! Love it, totally words my heart needed to hear.
Thank you.
Posted by: Samantha | February 02, 2011 at 08:24 PM
thanks jungle girl. pushing hard is so much work.
Posted by: kris laroche | February 02, 2011 at 09:15 AM
Beautifully expressed, and the lesson I needed to hear today. I have been pushing so hard and battling harder and harder with everything in my life. Not the answer. Thank you.
Posted by: Jungle Girl | February 02, 2011 at 04:55 AM
thank you mae. yes... living that thing where they want different things. geez. such a challenge sometimes. ive been trying to take a big breath and trust that guidance will come.
Posted by: kris laroche | January 15, 2011 at 11:27 AM
"Life is going to give them an enormous heap of hard things. I don't want to." Those lines really resonated with me.
It's very hard when you're 2 little ones want two different things. I feel like I live that constantly. It is a nice feeling when you're able to find a solution. But I'm sure the feeling of not going down the potential path you mentioned was even nicer.
Happy New Year!
Posted by: MaeH | January 15, 2011 at 01:29 AM
yes...tapping into that all the time. im seeing myself make improvements by at least noticing more throughout the day when i havent been or have been, stopping to feel my breath enter my nostrils. such a good thing. love it. xx00
Posted by: kris laroche | January 12, 2011 at 07:17 PM
mary, thank you. yes..when they are going in two separate directions with all their will and you have to pee. oh my. those moments. i often see myself looking back on them which is an amazingly helpful perspective. i can laugh from that point of view and think of all my angst as unnecessary. xxoo
Posted by: kris laroche | January 12, 2011 at 07:14 PM
isn't that the most wonderful feeling? When we give in to the moment and just take a deep breath and be present? Those are some of my most treasured moments of motherhood. I only wish I knew how to tap into this all the time now!
Posted by: mama2one | January 12, 2011 at 11:46 AM
Everything you say or write is said so well. It is so hard to transition two children. One wants one thing...and the other needs/wants the other...how do you make them both happy? I know that struggle. It feels good when you get it right at least
once for the day.
Posted by: mary leveque | January 12, 2011 at 08:34 AM