we just had a harrowing going to bed time. i don't even think i can tell you all the details of it because i don't want to relive it right now. in the scheme of things it is small potatoes: no one has cancer, there is a roof over our head and food in the fridge, we have family and live in a beautiful town where bombs are not dropping on us.
it's just that sometimes the emotional turbulence that takes place within these four walls leaves me scoured out and somewhat shell-like by the end of the day.
i want to tell you this because i know that it is happening all over the world and i want everyone, everywhere to know: you are not alone, you are not crazy, you are not bad. trying to be a warm and loving and entirely accepting container for our children's torrential rushes of feeling is hard. it just is.
let's be sure to talk about that part too.
loving this post and all the comments, oh yes, how hard our job as parents, and toughest at the end of the day, all tired souls trying to find slumber. bedtime has always been hard for us, tired, overtired, wired, energy needing to be released, energy zapped, and even tougher near the full moon, anyone else have that issue?
Posted by: angela | January 21, 2011 at 08:35 PM
having that other sense does, yes, give a perspective that is freeing. it also seems to help welcome in that sense of, as you say, 'everything is just as it should be.' which i sometimes rephrase in my mind as 'everything is just as it needs to be.' no matter what tensions exist. i guess it also helps me love the moment, and maybe myself, a bit more easily. it's calming, too. sort of like the calm of a free fall, if that's possible. maybe a linkage to the clarity of 'there is no control' which helps loosen the desire for control i often experience.
Posted by: Martha | January 20, 2011 at 07:42 PM
that image of amos finger holding tight is a keeper. thank you for the reminder to look at myself from outside myself. what does this give you? a different perspective that frees you up from the struggle of the moment? something else? id like to hear more. k
Posted by: kris laroche | January 20, 2011 at 02:46 PM
sometimes, often, i picture myself up above, in a helicopter, or on a cloud, or even just on the roof, looking in, hearing and seeing what is happening, seeing this moment or a set of moments with the child in them, me as the mother, doing whatever it is we do, struggling or not, doing it 'right' or 'as aspired to' or not. i see myself doing this with this other person, a child. it's happening. it keeps happening. sometimes the grasp he has on my hand is so tight, even after he's fallen deeply asleep, i'm astonished, and can't forget for awhile after.
Posted by: Martha | January 19, 2011 at 04:59 PM
This post...and all the comments, have me in tears right now because not only is each bedtime hard...but today has been hard. Trying to find empathy and compassion, when frankly, I don't have any (because this is the 12th time I've asked him not to touch that button on the computer) is overwhelming and I'm so glad to come here today and see that I'm not alone. Parenting is just the hardest gig there is.
Thanks so much for your honesty, Kris. It means the world. xo
Posted by: Debbie | January 19, 2011 at 11:28 AM
bedtime often becomes the time when i feel like i erase all the patience and "good parenting" i did throughout the day. I sometimes use threats, or say things i regret. It sucks. trying to work on that.
Posted by: Joanna Smetanka | January 19, 2011 at 10:52 AM
Thank you, Kris, for always sharing the truth. It's also so so hard because I am
so exhasuted. I have nothing left to give.
I'm working on breathing.. air through the nostrils...Mary XO
Posted by: mary leveque | January 19, 2011 at 08:42 AM
bedtime. it is such a contrast - the intensity of wanting them to sleep, the triggers, the irritation, the potential for power struggles, the unmet needs, the fears rushing forth, the end of my rope, and then suddenly it is over and they are asleep and it is the other side of things -- totally overwhelming calm silent love.
bedtime has been my rockiest place since day one as a mama and i still struggle with it.
yes, lets write about it!
Posted by: robin (woowoomama) | January 19, 2011 at 08:04 AM
you are not alone. this is soo hard, amy. and the stuff we bring to it from our past just makes it that much harder, hey? sending you love, friend.
Posted by: kris laroche | January 18, 2011 at 08:51 PM
Wow- what timing you have. I spent the last ten minutes of bedtime asking Jaedyn to give me a break- trying to explain to her how hard it is to be a nice mommy all of the time and how unappreciated I feel sometimes. Now I feel guilty for expecting her to make me feel better. My mom and I had such hard adolescent years and I'm terrified of establishing the same roles with my daughter. This is so hard sometimes. Thank you for letting me know that I'm not alone.
Posted by: Amy McGregor | January 18, 2011 at 08:50 PM
yes! that is the tether that keeps me grounded by the weeniest amount...wanting so desperately to be able to look back on those moments without regret. oh yes. love you stacey.
Posted by: kris laroche | January 18, 2011 at 08:32 PM
have I told you lately how totally awesome you are!!! We too had a wild ride tonight before bed, where I spent the majority of the time praying to not say anything I would regret later. Thank you for your commitment to honesty, it invites us all to keep it real.
Posted by: stacey simmons | January 18, 2011 at 08:28 PM