Well. Here I sit having traversed the divide. O what a trip. The latest chapters of this epic tale can be found here (when we launched our night weaning attempt) and then here when we backed off.
Since then, I have been learning some very tough things that I have not wanted to learn, really. Humbling. And I would like to say to so many of you who saw us through the adventures in total tv freedom, that you were/are right. At least, when I open my eyes to see what is right in front of me and when I stop seeing through the haze of my beliefs and ideals (and when I value my own needs along with theirs), then it is clear to me: guidance is required (sometimes a LOT).
The nursing toddler (Is Child-Led Weaning a myth?)
There was no way she was going to wean herself. My initial nudge in the direction of weaning set in motion an extreme response on her part. Panic became her baseline. She was desperate to get enough of mama's milk whenever she wanted which became ALL THE TIME. Feeling hungry? I wanna nurse. Feeling tired? I wanna nurse. Feeling uncomfortable? I wanna nurse. Feeling bored? I wanna nurse. Gotta pee? I wanna nurse.
Seriously. It was fast becoming insane. She nursed way more than she ever did as an infant. All night long she wanted my nipple in her mouth. No breaks. If I pulled away, she sat up and cried. My worry about her teeth was no longer the issue, it was more about my worry for myself. Sometimes I felt like a prostitute or abused wife. I would tell her no lots of times, but that just seemed to trigger more struggle between us and more panic on her part. I was also becoming increasingly uneasy with how much power I held and how little she had, in a way. She never knew when I was going to say yes and when I was going to say no. She was at my mercy. We were both miserable.
Clarity is sometimes the gem which gets polished by intense struggle. I absolutely had to change our nursing relationship and I knew that it was going to be intense. I declared the change: we are going to nurse when it gets dark before bed and when it gets light in the morning. Period. Twice a day only. I took deep breaths and silently drummed up a volcanic flow of confidence, willing it to seep out of me and into her.
This is the right thing, girl. We can do this. It will be better than o.k. We will make it out the other side.
At its most simple, weaning is the changing of a habit. Yet I have loaded it with so much more than that. Our entire relationship, now and into the future, hinges on my orchestration of this most serious transition.
We are doing it and we are through the worst of it. Night after night and day after day of epic sorrow and fury. I learned that when she is in the throws of emotion, I can't touch her or hold her or talk to her or look at her, but being near here and staying grounded is what's needed. Having ridden so many of these waves, I can sense when we are over the crest and she softens towards me and I am so relieved to get to hold her again. Until the next time. My clarity and determination about the decision have steadied us both. I can see how she has leaned on my guidance and leadership, resistance aside. I can see how consistency is helpful and sometimes was the only beacon for us both. I can see how I made it all harder in my indecision before but I also see that we needed that to get to this (and try not to be too hard on myself).
You know what the hardest part has been, aside from crippling sleep deprivation and attempting all this in the midst of the flu? Letting go of who I wanted to be as a mother. The crumbling heap of my ideals has almost been too much for me and I still cry about it when I stagger through that mental debris.
I think we all get here. Life wants that for us and gives us many chances through hardship and disappointments. Maybe it's a child born too early, or a birth that wasn't how we planned. Maybe it's an illness or death. Maybe it's a divorce or financial crisis or disease. Maybe it's the child who is so different than you imagined. Or maybe it's just the daily pile of life as it actually is which holds the mirror up for us to see the reality of ourselves.
I wanted to be the mama who loved nursing, who never wanted it to end, who had the stamina to allow child-led weaning unfold naturally. I wanted to nurse my children until they were three or four or more...(is there some competition with that?) I wanted to be the mama who never forced her own needs on her children or even had needs, for that matter. (I know, it's ridiculous.). I wanted to be the mama who didn't yell, who didn't use threats or bribes or ultimatums. I wanted to be the mama who was able to lay there, uncomfortable but willing, until her child was ready to be done. I wanted to be the mama with endless patience and kindness and devotion.
I am not that mama. I cannot live up to my own ideals. When I get over the sadness of that, I know that this is a good thing. Ideals seem to do more damage than good. Why can't who I am, who I actually am, be ideal enough?
I like this perspective, Shelly. Thanks for the reminder that striving can be helpful and that ideals are something lovely sometimes. Thank you for your sweet support. Im so grateful.
Posted by: kris laroche | February 15, 2011 at 07:28 PM
When I get to this stage, which seems to be rather often, I try to remind myself that although my ideals and goals are often high and sometimes very unrealistic just the fact that I have them and am trying so hard to reach them has made me a better mother. If I wouldn't set such crazy ideals, then I might have just gone along with the "normal" stream and be doing many more things that I can't bear to see others doing to their children. I'm not saying that I'm better than anyone, but my goals keep my trying to be the best that I can be for my son and be what he needs. Hope that makes sense without saying too much!
Thank you for continuing to share!! And huge hugs to you for being an awesome, aware mom!!
Posted by: Shelly | February 14, 2011 at 12:08 PM
thanks alyssa...im curious about what identity labels youve left behind.
Posted by: kris laroche | February 11, 2011 at 01:31 PM
wow, i am so in awe of this post. i've found in my life that letting go of my attachment to some of my identity labels has been so scary that i've literally held my breath, closed my eyes, plunged into the cold abyss, surfacing on the other side of the label, reopening my eyes and running as fast as i could away from that past. what i just read in this post was someone (you) who kept her eyes wide open as she examined that label/attachment and chose to forge another path. really powerful stuff, i am inspired.
Posted by: alyssa | February 11, 2011 at 10:22 AM
Sending my support to you!
So hard to balance the total love and acceptance of ourselves and our children with the flow of criticism and judgment that springs eternal!
This too shall pass!
Posted by: Teri | February 09, 2011 at 09:57 PM
dear jlf. oh my how your words rocked me...the word dogma has been rattling around in my brain since i read your comments. that is exactly how i've been trapping myself...with dogma about parenting, dogma about food, god! it's insane. i'm so in my head about doing things the "right" way or by a certain kind of book way, that i don't even know what i feel like eating or don't' even know what i want to actually say because my brain starts listing the million pros/cons of what i'm about to say. how ridiculously complex i make it all. thank you for this reminder and for the view into your thinking about what you want for your daughter. yes yes yes.
Posted by: kris laroche | February 09, 2011 at 08:30 PM
martha...not an oversimplification whatsoever. exactly right, your words. thank you a million times over. psychic bravery, unhooked, oh your insights brighten my insides. xxoo
Posted by: kris laroche | February 09, 2011 at 08:26 PM
just wanted to let you know that I am still here...reading and thinking about you and your sweet family. too many thoughts to write now...and everyone else said things so eloquently anyhow.
receive peace today.
Posted by: Hilaree | February 09, 2011 at 11:50 AM
"Why can't who I am, who I actually am, be ideal enough?" you ask. That becomes the crux of everything, at a million little junctures. I guess it matters less that who you actually are DOES seem like MORE than enough, in my or anyone else's view, and matters more that you actually experience yourself that way and, as JLF says, that your child/ren access and live that of you, too - if that makes sense. It takes a lot of psychic bravery to sort out "the ideal" vs the ME. And then, even only some of the time, to choose and honor the ME. I for one do think there is a lot of competition, internally if not externally, around nursing, birthing, parenting, etc. and it's so/very easy to take ourselves (and one another) up or down a notch or two or a hundred over an infinite number of things. But viewing things through that competitive lens is sort of the path of least resistence, I think. I used to have a yoga teacher who would sometimes ask us, often when we were in the midst of some seemingly challenging (tortuous?) pose, "in how many ways do you need to let yourself off the hook?" For some reason in the midst of the challenge I could more readily access how enhooked I was, in many different ways. And it stayed with me. Hope that doesn't seem like an oversimplication of what you're going through. You are just so lucky, I feel, to have you. As friend, witness, fellow traveler.
Posted by: Martha | February 08, 2011 at 10:58 AM
Oh man. This is like a thesis paper for Motherhood. Who you actually are is perfect. Who you actually are is just what everyone needs.
Posted by: natalie | February 08, 2011 at 09:45 AM
Oh sweet one, I so hear you. I've been there and don't doubt will be there again. This was poignant to me "I think we all get here. Life wants that for us and gives us many chances through hardship and disappointments. Maybe it's a child born too early, or a birth that wasn't how we planned. " That's how it all started. Bizarro weird reason for an emergency c-section for us and from there I had to let go of all the 'dreams' I had for my perfect parenting experience.
I do my best. I'm blessed with the support from a loving mate whose heart is always steady and honest. He helps me navigate through the martyrdom and the standing in my truth as a woman/mother. When I hit a wall (usually brought on by sheer exhaustion), he is able to support me and help me discern the best choices for my little monkey girl. She is 28 months old and still nursing to go to sleep (naps included). She wakes up twice a night (if I'm lucky) for just a bit, but I have started to set boundaries regarding how long the nursing goes on for. As of late I have gotten at least 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep! Sooooo excited!
The thing is she has her waves as well. There are times when she sleeps longer and other times (like a couple of nights ago) where she woke up hourly. My work is to stop trying to analyze the why so much. I try to figure out, did she eat something different, is she allergic to something, should we have taken a shower an hour before, and on and on and on. I find myself trying to control the flow. And it's crazy hard to let that go.
You are awesome and your sharing of these experiences not only gives the rest of us mothers the permission to let go, but also to strengthen our collective ability to be the best mothers that we can be. We really are 'perfect', being willing to be all that we are, nothing more and nothing less. The courage to be all that we are is what I want to offer my daughter, so she can effectively navigate through the every day challenges that may dim the heart more than the larger trials and tribulations as often times those are the ones that chip away at our ability to stay steady in who we are.
Love Kris!!!!
Posted by: Elsie Escobar | February 08, 2011 at 07:57 AM
Respect to your decision. It’s obvious that the conditional; cry it out; naughty-step dogma isn’t what’s good for a child or family. Less so that following any kind of approach dogmatically (including attachment parenting) can also be unhealthy. As the mother of a daughter, I particularly wanted to minimize the modelling of any kind of martyr-ish behaviour (and I am sure they know the difference between parents doing things joyfully or doing things because it’s being dictated). I want my children to grow up with the examples of flexibility; critical questioning of how things “should” be done and a healthy ability to say “no” when something doesn’t feel good to them anymore. It’s great to hear about another woman who seems to want the same.
Posted by: JLF | February 08, 2011 at 04:26 AM
We had to nightwean due to pregnancy (I couldn't stand the incessant nursing). It was hard, but we figured out ways to get our child to sleep without nursing and a few months later, she weaned herself. It is hard, and disappointing, but that's okay. It's better to know your limits. :-)
Posted by: Brandy | February 08, 2011 at 04:20 AM
oooh..this is so hard. I'm right there with you. In my comments on your last post I mentioned that I hadn't wanted to wean my daughter before my son was born, but now she is nursing MORE than he does at night. He is 3 months old. That doesn't feel right to me. Her nursing has picked up dramatically during the day as well. I also always thought I would do CLW, but I just don't think that is going to work for us either. It sounds like you have a good plan, and I hope that the consistency works for you and that you are on the other side of the struggle soon. sending peaceful vibes your way.
Posted by: anne | February 07, 2011 at 08:59 PM
Love ya Kris! Big love.
~Kimberley
Posted by: Kimberley King | February 07, 2011 at 08:35 PM
I can empathize with you so much here mama. It's so hard to forgive ourselves- we are our own worst critics. I admire you so much for mommying with such intention. THAT is how you get it right- when you assess and reassess why and how you do what you do. She knows how much you care and that's what she will remember- that's what will stay with her always. I should know- I'm a daughter :)
Posted by: Amy McGregor | February 07, 2011 at 08:30 PM
thank you so much elizabeth. so many never thought i woulds. letting go over and over and over again. im glad you are getting sleep and that your little guy is happy. sending you love.
Posted by: kris laroche | February 07, 2011 at 08:24 PM
You are so awesome. Don't get down on yourself because of not living up tot he ideals you had for yourself. This mothering thing is all a lesson in letting go of the things we never thought we would do and doing the right thing for ourselves and our families!
A month ago I was ready for a change, tired of being tired and nursed out all night long - read: my boobs hurt and I am pregnant and was getting a little resentful of my 17 month old all nighter... I did the thing I thought I never would - I spent 4 days of the honey crying it out when I put him to bed in his own room! I DID IT! I never thought I would. NOW, he tells me when he is done nursing and wants to get in the crib! I get a good night of sleep and I am happy to know that he does too.
blessings on you and all the mamas who struggle with the hard "never thought I would" choices.
Posted by: elizabeth jeanne | February 07, 2011 at 08:22 PM