canceling my subscriptions

I am canceling all my subscriptions to prescriptive titles and labels.

vegetarian

radical unschooling

Weston A Price diet

natural living

environmentalist

Waldorf 

Buddhist

I want access to all of it, without being limited by any of it. I want to keep my mind open enough to sense what is best for us in each moment. Annie's macaroni and cheese/homemade sourdough bread. Nourishing Traditions/Moosewood cookbook. Child-led learning/movies only once a week. plastic Playmobil/wooden kitchen. Soy milk/raw cow milk. 

It feels a bit like kissing my security blanket good-bye. Labels are a safety net because when making decisions based solely on what works for us (inner authority) especially when those decisions are different what others are doing, I feel kinda naked. Scarier to forge my own path (risking being judged or wrong or actually being wrong) than to look up the formula whenever I sense doubt lurking (like a thousand decisions each day). 

It also seems to me that this is the only way out of guilt. Guilt takes root in right/wrong, good/bad thinking. If we aren't doing it "right", whatever that is, then we tell ourselves bad, bad, bad. If there is no one right way , then I have half a chance of listening to what jives in this moment and going with it. 

A few things spawned this idea recently. I like the term "radical unschooling" and yet, when we experimented with total child-led decision making, it was disastrous in certain realms, namely sweets and tv. While we never went back to that full-on binge episode, after being sick this last round, we did start watching one or two shows every night. When we get into this routine, I start to depend on it thinking that I need movies to get things done. Yet I feel that icky feeling creeping in. We are now back to family movie night once a week and it feels SO GOOD. I don't think this good feeling comes from the idea that 'tv is bad', but more from the ACTUAL feeling I get when we don't watch. I love hearing their play, I can handle making dinner when they are still moving about busily, they are happier and more imaginative and creative. Ah. Inner right versus outer right.

Then, I opened up a book by Thich Nhat Han which said, "knowledge is the biggest obstacle to awakening". This has knocked me off my feet. I now get that I use knowledge as a way of hiding from my own self. I might say "bleach is toxic" to someone who want to clean the toilets in this house with bleach, instead of saying "I don't like that smell, please use this instead". It's like any know-it-all statement is one step removed from direct experience. It's a kind of numbing agent. Anyway, the older I get the less I know.  Whenever I cling to any "this is the way it is ", I'm struck by a thousand exceptions, begging for me to stand out in the open air of not knowing and uncertainty.

I want to know myself and then be comfortable saying so. I want this for my kids, too. I'm still figuring out ways to shift my language to deepen their inner knowing and authority instead of stating facts which direct them outside of themselves for the authority. 

One example might be to stop saying "healthy" or "not healthy". I mean I have some ideas about healthy foods, maybe,  but actually I'm ridiculously confused about it all  because I've read way too much on the subject, tuning outwardly instead of inwardly. I'd like to stop thinking in terms of "good/bad" when it comes to food because with all those "facts" (which vary completely depending on what you are reading) making such a racket in my head, I can't hear my own body. 

The same is true for any formula or prescription: parenting, food, communication, career, spirituality etc. All this pressure we put on ourselves (like apologizing for giving a gift that isn't handmade, buying something that's plastic, or not knitting a sweater every week). Sheesh.

So, what are some ways that you help yourself tune into your inner authority and what are ways you help your children do that? I'd love to know.

while they try on masks, i peek out from the ones i've been hiding behind. isn't every label a sort of mask we wear?

Comments

[kris laroche]

Yes. Catherine...its so true that naked feeling. oh my yes.

[Catherine Forest]

Yes, yes, yes so true: It feels a bit like kissing my security blanket good-bye. Labels are a safety net because when making decisions based solely on what works for us (inner authority) especially when those decisions are different what others are doing, I feel kinda naked.

Thank you so much for this post!

[kris laroche]

Hi Rachel....Oh marinating one. I am relieved, delighted, inspired to read all of what you are writing here. The specific examples of the wide array of living choices and how it can even all change from day to day, that is rich. Tasting all of it. I can relate so strongly to not knowing how to write out interests and all that...I have rewritten the little bio on the side of this blog about eight thousand times until finally I asked someone else (Martha who comments here) to write it. Often on my runs I am writing and rewriting it all again! Ugh...feels like a huge energy sap. None of us can be encapsulated by any combination of words. Period. Impossible. Its such an interesting thing to attempt to free ourselves from that. How glad I am to share in the possibilities with you...xxxooo

[Rachel]

Also, thanks to everyone for the fascinating comments- learning as much from all of you as from the post itself! :)

[Rachel]

I've been marinating in contemplation over this since you first posted it but am only commenting now- I've kept it front and center on my desktop until I could sneak away from my sweet baby long enough to write a response!

It hit such a sweet spot in my heart- for a long time now I've struggled with those EXACT issues and this struck me over the head with just what I needed to hear! For the past several days, in so many of my choices from parenting to food, I've been reminding myself that I want "all of it", that I want to partake in the sweet goodness that each "label" offers without having to constantly judge them and research them and distinguish them. It's exhausting.

I turn the TV on for a break from being overwhelmed, I turn the TV off for a break from TV! I take a 2-hour nap, I go for a long run. I bake cookies, I drink coconut water and kombucha. I use cloth diapers, I use a disposable someone offers me as a kindness. And I want to allow myself to feel good about all of that, all the little things and everything in between.

It made me realize why I have such a hard time listing my "interests & activites" when asked to. I want to carefully craft perfect labels that please both me & the world at large, making me appear as a perfect wife or woman or mother. But the struggle appears because not only am I not perfect like the labels seem (I'm just me, and what is perfect?) but there's no way that the world & I will ever agree on who I "ought" to be. No matter what label I use for unschooling, many will continue to think I'm crazy, so I might as well just say "We learn from life." and leave the carefully-crafted wording off my to-do list.

So I too will bravely remain ambiguous, humble, label-less, floating to where I want to be rather than just to where authors or gurus say to go. Because ultimately, that is what feels best. It was right in front of my nose but I didn't see it behind the forest of labels!

I will come back to these ideas again and again- once again, your writing has inspired me to richer living!

[angela]

wow. such depth here. i so agree with this dialog and the attachment to labels and then the throwing out the labels. i am starting to think the whole process is necessary in order to reach our true selves (well, my true self). that in order to be authentic i have to shed the labels put on me by others growing up, create my own labels to feel confident in my way of life, and then find a groove that let's my own mindful self shine. because really it is in the journey of self-discovery that we get to truly be.

i have learned so much here from your blog, but most important is trust - trust in myself and trust in my kids. doing what feels right and trusting that. like saying no to a movie before bed because i know they get wired and can't sleep. or, saying yes to a movie before bed the next night because we are hanging out with friends and i really want some adult conversation. i also confess that i feel moved to make up our own labels sometime, just to buck even that system :-) like, life learners instead of eclectic homeschoolers or unschoolers. and after reading this post, next time i am asked what we eat, instead of explaining all of the reasons why we chose to go gluten and dairy free, i may simply say because it feels right :-) but, even though labels can sometimes be restrictive, i do think they help create awareness and also bring together like-minded souls. nothing wrong in my eyes with being called a hippy, makes me think of much peace and love! :-)

[kris laroche]

Kassia...wow, yes. An identity label could be freeing, in this case. I love seeing it from that perspective...something someone has hid or not shared, in the sharing could be set free. And that coming from claiming a label. Interesting. I do so like play with more fluid identities. Today I am a coffee drinker, tomorrow that could change. Today I am a runner, tomorrow that may change. yes. Another chance to detach a little and see what actually shows up in place of our pre-set ideas of how its gonna be. Thanks.

[kris laroche]

Hi Sam...Oh that is such a frustrating feeling to notice how off what we are saying is...and to tune into that kind of numbed-outness (thats what I think it feels like) of giving information instead of sharing the deeper side of what we are learning or like you said, what we are doing with it. You said exactly what I was trying to say which I so dont want to do anymore. Maybe this will inspire both of us to shift deeper into ourselves and share from that. Thank you.

[kris laroche]

Mary...It is so funny/sad/curious how our self labels perpetuate what we dont want! Ironically, I do not think of myself as good writer and often when I go a few days without posting its because I am feeling lousy about how I communicate to all of you. And the peace freak/nonviolent thing label...Id add to that hippy (which I have such a strong reaction to, though probably do fall into that category in some ways). Then the gun thing, oh my, I want to have a conversation with everyone here about that, too. Like you, I have spent some time/energy resisting it and then have seen how ridiculously futile that is. Ive scoured others writing/thinking for a perspective I can accept about that and have realized that so many of our boys want/need some kind of warrior aspect as part of their lives. Craving the adventure they would have had hunting for buffalo or spearing seals. When I can stand in the place of trusting whatever it is that presents itself, then I am so much more accepting of who they are and believe that what interests them has validity. When they start shooting in their play, it is still hard to resist my internal reaction (from that peace labelling) that I have, though. So funny that you admitted this as a big confession and how scary that probably felt. Maybe funny isnt the right word, but regardless, I am giving you a big hug for your brave honesty and all our boys with their guns. Love them too. And talk talk TALK...fuck being nice, eh? When it comes from obligation, it sucks. When we feel gushing compassion after claiming our glorious self-full need to ROAR, it is quite a different thing. Blessings, Mary.

[kris laroche]

Krista: Oh yes...the school labeling then the years of doing everything to avoid those awful feelings and experiences. Celebrating your awareness is rich, indeed. We so need to take to to honor our leaps of understanding and growth, however large or small they seem.Your ability to move from fearful reaction and resistance to empathy seems huge, such a gift for yourself and then how that moves others to live openly, too. I like your mantra, too. xxoo

[Sam]

amazing i've been struggling with knowledge and labels being my obstacle. I want to have conversations with people in my life about how i'm changing my life, for the better i feel in every way... but i find myself spouting information that doesn't even ring true instead of how i FEEL about the information i've read or what i'm doing with it. thank you. i needed to hear it out loud!

[kris laroche]

HI Paulina...that feeling of freefall and panic is so terrifying. Makes us want to cling to anything and the more rules/formula/recipe for that thing the better. I feel that when I stake a claim on I am with my kids all the time. Then, when they both leave to go do something, I am at a total loss and its like I dont even have my own self anymore because Ive built this identity around an outside/impermanent thing. Its a horrible feeling and exactly the feeling I think (so they say) leads to awakening and true happiness. Dont most spiritual paths take us towards emptiness and realizing our nothingness? But man o man, it is scary. Its like a part of us must die, more of us than we want to, in order for us to be free and find contentment. Oh boy. Blessings to you.

[kris laroche]

Anne...I didnt catch the hat. Now I want to go back...I can imagine it looks so sweet with your red hair. Love that combo of colors. Oh sheesh about the guilt over someone seeing disposables. Isnt it crazy what we do to ourselves? I often think, through these conversations, of how powerful self-friendship could be, that perhaps this is the very core of being content (and being adoring and present for our kiddos..). hmmm. xxoo

[Kassia]

So much great conversation going on here.

Martha, I think you're touching the root of this dilemma. At least for me. I do acknowledge that what ultimately drives me to search all of these lifestyles / diets / belief systems is the belief that when I stumble upon the Right Diet for instance and follow it religiously it shall set me free :) I can just sit back like Kris wrote and finally be free of disease, anger, boredom, what have you. Yes, that's it, definitely. Hmmmn.. So interesting!

Kris, yes, I think people have looked for basic freedom specifically within identities and labels. Identities have been necessary tools to achieve rights, take for instance gay and lesbian rights. A life story laden with labels and things to identify with can be very liberating, reassuring and empowering, for example for a young gay coming out of closet. When postmodern critique of identity politics has shown the constructed and therefore contingent nature of any identity we can experiment and play with more fluid identities.

[mary leveque]

Hi Kris,

Oh this rings with me so much. So much to say here and I don't write like you. Maybe I need to get rid of the label "awful writer"? that I have for my self? You write it/say it so perfectly.

I have many similar labels that you have written down. But I also have more I would like to share. Peace freak or non-violent...and i have done this whole thing with not letting my son do "gun play" and kept him from playing with boys who did. And now guess what? at the age of seven I have given up. We went from bow and arrows, swords, sticks and now he builds guns and catapults out of his lego. There I admitted this horrible thing.

The other big label for me that I want to throw against the wall is "being nice". I hate being the one who always listens. I don't want to listen anymore, I want to TALK.

But also have envionmentalist, organic, no plastic toys, no battery toys and then shunning people who do anything different. It's so narrow-minding and very snobby.

Thanks Kris for writing about it and giving me the space to write about it.

Mary

[Krista]

So much wisdom here, in your posts and then overflowing from the comments. I'm absorbing it all, finding myself nodding profusely, recognizing so much of what is being said in myself. Lots of it I'm going either through now or know have been there in the past (and can celebrate that I've become aware and have found a way to shift!). School was where I learned about labeling and it was a living hell trying to "fit in" then. I swore when I left that I would resist anything that remotely appeared like a label. I've also been resistant to forming any primary relationships with others who seem to prioritize adhering to labels. I never want to feel that lonely and empty again as I did in school where that was what it was all about!

I do recognize that there is resentment, anger and fear at the base of my "resistance" so now I've come to that place where I'm wanting to empathize with myself others when they fall into labeling (what are the reasons, needs, values behind labels...?) rather than just staying in fear and saying "keep it away from me!". This is most helpful and a much more gentle approach. Much like your post.

Labels come in a million shapes and sizes (in school: "preppy, mod, rocker, punk, snob, loser, popular.....". But as you say, with ways of eating, or spiritual/religious beliefs, parenting, education, lifestyles, the type of neighborhood we live in... the list goes on. My mantra now is "I'll take what I want from each and any lifestyle and LEAVE the rest!". I so value the flexibility and strength and openness that comes from doing things this way.

Thanks for a very thought-provoking post.

[Paulina Manzo]

I've been struggling with this issue for a long time now. I feel like a fraud so often b/c I've chosen a label that doesn't exactly fit me and I'm not comfortable with the contradictions. or I let go a little and start to free-fall and then panic and go back the other direction -- thinking I need to be more strict with the "rules" until I get it right (even with meditation, which is completely absurd). I try to listen to what's right for me but sometimes it's like I can't hear myself. How scary is it to look inside and see nothing. I'm sure something is there (or I hope so, anyways) but I have a hard time seeing it -- maybe too afraid to trust what's there?? Too focused on the end result to trust the journey?? Not sure. But your post struck a chord (as it often does).

[anne]

kris...thanks for the kind words! did you catch your hat in the snow photos? I'm laughing now remembering that I felt guilty and ashamed when my midwife saw me put a disposable on jude--I had just delivered her second largest at-home baby ever for goodness sake, you'd think I could give myself a bit of a break!

[kris laroche]

Anne...ok, now that Ive poured over your flickr photos I feel even more connected to you. And that knitting and sewing you do! Oh my...beautiful. Im going to visit your ravelry page to find those lovely patterns. I might also need to start over with that yarn you sent to make a different hat. Beautiful. Love the aqua, too! Your two babes are gorgeous and homebirth 10pounder. Youd think that something like that would let you relax about all the other shoulds, like cloth diapers and nursing wishes. But alas...no. The self-striving/torture continues. If we could chuck all the labels and shoulds and ideal wanna-be notions, I wonder what would be left? Sending you love and say hi to your ma.xxxooo

[kris laroche]

Martha...yes yes yes, I do see that in myself. That I am trying to find the perfect label so that I can finally sit back and rest with a quiet mind and feelings of peace. It is so much harder to hold the perceived contradictions, I think. Its like our mind isnt meant for that kind of mess. Maybe thats why we get to sidestep mind and hold these realities somewhere else...heart? body? space around us? why hold back on releasing it? You mean why hold back on releasing inner authority? Oh I could spend a very long time pondering this with you...preferably over tea.xxoo

[kris laroche]

Oh Teri...me too! Immediately writing someone off because of a different label or lack of agreement with mine then utter horror that I am that narrow-minded and self righteous! I shock myself sometimes. Like the other day I left the childrens museum to put more money in the parking meter and saw that the one beside was expired too, so thought, how fun to put money in for this other person, a random act of generosity that is anonymous. Then, something stopped me so I didnt do it. Later I realized that it was because it was a big huge pick up truck and I made these assumptions about what kind of macho guy would be driving that and didnt want to be generous for him. Ouch. small small me. :(

[kris laroche]

Kassia...I can see that so much, the identity making with labels. Ive a running dialogue in my head about it and the labels make it so much easier to tell someone who I think I am, or pretending to be. Kind of funny, these silly added meanings. Tell me more about it being a post-modern concept...were folks before us just more comfortable with those identities and stories, without so much desire for freedom from that? Im so glad you do keep visiting here. xxxooo

[kris laroche]

Amy...Ive always been a little dubious as I walk out of the sushi joint with those kiddie cups in hand. Suppose I could ask, especially now that Ive gone public with it.

[kris laroche]

Carrie-Anne...the ultimate gift in the striving? Oooo I do so like that. xxxxooo

[kris laroche]

Karen. Ill be doing this...trusting my eyes. Trying not to let what my eyes see go circling on through my brain for too long. Therein seems to be the hold up.

[anne]

oh, i love this. My mom is visiting us right now, and I was explaining to her today that I just couldn't decide whether to follow "nourishing traditions" or "hardcore vegan" (I've been both). Turns out I'm not comfortable (or good at) being at either end of that spectrum if I really think about it. But I do seem to want to be able to put a label on my eating habits. Also, she was helping me organize and suggested putting away my cloth diapers since I seem to only be reaching for disposables (ack!). I was so hardcore about cloth with Clementine, and I haven't found my groove with Jude since I've been weaning her and helping her learn the potty. And yet, I have to have those cloth diaper out because they are the best version of me. And the silliest part is that I would totally judge someone else for using disposables. WHat?! How crazy is that? Also, radical unschooling...like you, we've had our television troubles. I'm simply not comfortable letting her choose.
But I honestly think the hardest for me to let go of so far has been child-led weaning. I was SO determined to tandem nurse, because I thought it was the utmost attachment-parenty thing to do, that I pushed all of my pain and resentment during the pregnancy to the back of my mind and forged ahead. I thought that it would be all unicorns and rainbows after the new baby arrived. Turns out I really dislike it and I don't think that it is working for us at all. But I refused to listen to myself because I was attached to the label.

Totally unrelated, but our main living space is that same color!

[Martha]

Do we go towards labels, categories, pre-articulated formulas because we think, for some reason, that if we can just achieve supreme _____ (waldorf, macrobiotic, homeschooling, what have you) purity that there will be peace (finally?) and rest for our inner minds? Why are we drawn to them? Is it just much harder to hold/witness the (perceived?) contradictions in life? Messy, messy. I'm still thinking about your questions, and like the idea of 'tuning into inner authority' - there is so much there. Why hold back on releasing it? Photos of masks compelling with your post.

[Teri]

Interesting!

I was noticing that I have prevented myself from making connections with people because they don't share the same labels as me. For instance, they don't care about "organic", or they aren't into Waldorf. blah blah blah.

Turns out that I'm pretty self-righteous at times!

[Kassia]

Writing like this is why I keep visiting here, Kris :)

I try to notice when I attach some extra meanings to something, like "cooking macrobiotic food is cool, macrobiotic people are cool, exciting, spiritual, I need/want to cook macrobiotic too.." That's my cue to start noticing if I'm acting from a place of inner knowing or something else. Of course I never think with these exact words, it's way more subtle, a feeling or something.

I think all of these labels are, in addition to being security blankets, tools we build identity with. We tell stories about our life and use labels to tell that story. It's a very post-modern concept to want to rid of these labels and stories, identities. Which is not bad, experimenting is a form of freedom.

Of course, our bodies are real and respond in real ways. I might notice I do well on a locavore vegetarian / Nourishing Traditions / macrobiotic diet, or maybe a combination of them. In that case I try to listen to my body and accept my silly added meanings :)

[Amy McGregor]

Mmmmmmm- love these kids!

This is such a complex issue, isn't it? The food thing rings so true for me. I went from vegan to full-on carnivore swearing off soy! I'm coming to terms with the fact that I just don't know and I'll just do my best.

I'm so glad to see that I'm not the only one who's kitchen is stocked with nara sushi cups! It's that or yogurt cups in our house ;)

-Amy

[Carrie]

You rock.
This is the ultimate gift we give our children
The striving
The authentic--- imperfections
Your children are so beautiful and so are you
Xxcarrie-anne

[Karen Maezen Miller]

Very nice. You can trust your eyes far more than you realize, because you can always see what is real.