There was an interesting discussion here about the phrase "how was that for you", with some people suggesting that it is cold and dry and that parents who are emotional and expressive will never feel comfortable using that phrasing (or sentiment?) with their children. Similar comments have come through on this blog about the use of neutral language or even neutrality being boring and just not who they are as enthusiastic humans.
I challenge that idea. While I do understand that when we read that phrase we might imagine a scientist in a lab coat with her clipboard taking notes, being objective and "neutral" and, well, cold. When they think that someone is advocating becoming this with their children, no wonder they balk. Without hearing the depth of care that can ooze out from the sayer of that phrase, it's quite hard to imagine that it might possibly be the most welcoming, loving, fulfilling thing to ever hear from someone.
Imagine this: you just had a horrible fight with your mate and you call a friend up to share what happened. You are describing the events and he is listening intently to you and then he says...wow, love. How was all that for you?
Can you sense how that opens you up? Softens your whole being and takes you deeper into your own experience of that event? How you might learn more about yourself from that? How you release any defenses or hardness about it and get to talk more about the deeper stuff behind your initial reaction to it? How this might make you feel towards that friend?
Now consider the more typical response. As you are describing all this to your friend, she starts to get mad, and say, 'What an asshole. How can you stand it? What are you going to do? I can't believe he said that."
Or..."Oh shit, you should hear what my husband did to me the other day...then she goes on to describe her own events."
Can you feel how that shuts you down and flips the switch from you sharing to you becoming the listener? How your emotions go numb because now you are listening to a totally different story? Can you feel how that person's OWN emotional reaction to your situation interferes with your own experience of it?
Here's another example: Let me show you some pictures of our day today...
We had playgroup at our friends' birthplace, where her parents still live and thrive. We fed chickens and collected eggs.
We raked and played in the playhouse and with the toys and babies that she used when she was little.
We drew pictures and ate cake and kissed bruises and negotiated battles and drank tea and read stories.
Now...as you listen to this day we had, you may be having your own feelings about it. If you are a person who can't stand muddy shoes and feels disgusted by the thought of touching chicken poop, then you may be disinterested. If you are currently longing for a community of likeminded mamas to hang out with and feel supported by, then maybe you feel envy or longing. Maybe you hate me for having what you so desperately want. If you are currently unable to hang out with your friends because of your child's unwillingness to be around other kids then maybe you are pissed off.
Whatever your feelings, if you were to summon up your care for me and your interest in my life and express that to me with the words...how was that for you? I would feel grateful and appreciative and I would be thrilled with the chance to talk about my feelings about our day and to feel heard by you. I would feel closer to you and more connected. I would also then take a deep breath and be quite ready, most likely, to hear about YOU. If you could hold off on your own stuff and give me some space to share mine, I would feel loved.
Do you see what I mean? And honestly, I fail at this myself more often than I want. I jump in with my own opinions or advice or experiences that relate. And then I feel sad and frustrated because the slightest little gap occurs in my connection with the other person. That's not what I want...not with my friends, and not with my children.
All of this applies to our children. Probably even more so because of the powerful role we inhabit in their lives. We are it. Our love matters. When we make the space for them to deeply know themselves and their own experiences and to describe it in their own words, by asking...How was that for you? Or any other neutral, open-ended question infused with the love and care and tenderness that we feel, many good things happen: we get to know them better because we hear how they feel about their own lives and see from their standpoint what matters to them; we get to be more connected to them because they feel loved and cared for; they understand that they matter because someone is bothering to ask and listen; they learn whatever they are meant to learn (not what we are trying to "teach") from their own feelings and experiences by having the space to explore them more thoroughly.
I'd say that's anything but cold.
