small me is...
::furious about finances and mad that mothering isn't considered worthy of a paycheck
::spinning in my own head and completely out of touch with the reality in front of me
::grumpy and tired and blaming PMS
::wanting the effects of chocolate without the accompanying stomach ache
:;sad for ever second that i miss of my precious for feeling all these things (and half expecting to be punished for being so self-absorbed)
::weary of the internal dialogue which always ends in self-loathing
big me is...
::somewhere around here, thank goodness. she actually never leaves me. she is the goddess who i completely ignore and who still adores me wholly. she is me. (pssst. she is you.)
::stunned by the beauty of this boy. yes he hits his sister and leaves his clothes lying around and gets mad at me when i say no AND he is here, alive, perfect. yesterday when he was taking clothes out of the dryer with me, he saw the pajama's that saschy wears and said...i love saschy so much. i love her more than anything in the whole world.
::adores this sunburst. she is so ALIVE. how did i get to be chosen as her mom? really. she leaves me in awe.
::appreciates these moments of unexpected magic. henry (natalie's dog) arriving on our doorstep at 3:30am, and the kids' delight in waking up to our sweet friend. maybe he came to visit me because it's been so long since we've seen him, says elliott. big me knows to chuck all plans and let joy like this just happen. then, the accompanying visit from natalie to pick him up, all before 9am? now that's grand.
::sees beauty everywhere. this sidewalk is plowed because a neighbor decided to help us out. we've watched his scene across the street and i've always thought that they are the ones who might need help. yet there he is, giving to us.
Big me is part of this circle here on this blog. All of you and what you are willing to share in the comments. I am bending at the waist in gratitude and appreciation. (Small me is more used to standing on the outside, lamenting over never "belonging" anywhere).
Oh my. How much lighter I feel just letting this all out. I'm weepy because big me, small me shows me what's up and how much there is. All of it. Small me needs holding, too.
Angela...yes. Maybe small me is the real guru after all!
Posted by: kris laroche | March 07, 2011 at 04:46 PM
love this reflection of both the small and big self. gets me all the time! oh, to just have the big me save the small me all the time, but then the self-discovery and growth may not happen. maybe we need that balance? sending big hugs to you this week!
Posted by: angela | March 06, 2011 at 08:35 PM
Thanks Crystal.
Posted by: kris laroche | March 06, 2011 at 07:59 PM
i love this and much love to you!
Posted by: crystal | March 06, 2011 at 07:07 PM
Heather. That shift from self-blame and worry into thankfulness is profound. Total eclipse of our inner landscapes when that happens. O why do we blame ourselves so when they struggle? Is that just part of loving deeply or is it something we can free ourselves of, without sacrificing any of the love? I wonder...
Posted by: kris laroche | March 05, 2011 at 08:09 PM
Anne.I hear you...sometimes I crave the crisis, I think because everything becomes so crystal clear and all I feel is fierce love and protective instincts. I want that all the time too. xxoo PS I am almost finished the hat and it is soooo sweet. That girl is relieved to finally have something soft enough to wear.
Posted by: kris laroche | March 05, 2011 at 07:59 PM
my daughter woke up with a horrible cough and a fever. It is amazing how quickly "big me" takes over in these circumstances...but i want to her to be the one who shows up to mother these amazing kids ALL the time.
Posted by: anne | March 05, 2011 at 10:24 AM
Totally get it, small me totally showed up earlier this week, how is it that I work so hard yet still struggle to pay bills, what did I do wrong that my boys struggle so hard with school, Why does this baby CONSTANTLY have to be at my breast, day and night! Then big me remembers all the wonderful things that are in my life and how amazing and beautiful my baby is and how cleaver and funny and smart my boys are and I take a deep breath and carry on feeling thankful for my life.
Posted by: Heather | March 05, 2011 at 12:01 AM
I'm sending respect and love to your big me -- keep on standing tall! -- and a very special, very loving hug and squeeze to your small me, because she needs it. :)
Posted by: Jennifer Kaczmarek | March 03, 2011 at 09:14 AM
Small me takes over most of my days. thanks for giving me the wisdom? to call on the big me to take me over and stop letting little me run the show :)
Posted by: Sam | March 03, 2011 at 07:05 AM
big hugs to you! I have shared space with you in your feelings this week...now, the sun is warming me through my back window, your heart has opened and let me know I am alright to have these feelings too and that being a mama is perfect...joy,confusion, heartache and big love. xoxo Carol
Posted by: Carol Peat | March 03, 2011 at 05:29 AM