Belief Breakthrough

NOTE: Only a few days left to sign up for Pay It Forward Special for the Magical Mothering E-Course (two for the price of one). Special ends May 1st. Course begins mid-May.

This happened to me yesterday, again (thankfully). You know what I'm talking about? Those blinding flashes of seeing yourself in a new way that actually UNblind you? They are like a love note from the ethers because they show me some belief that I've been lugging around like a dead weight. Some belief,  which, because I believed it, caused me to act in ways that go against what feels good, right and true for me. 

We see what we believe. 

The great belief breakthrough that happened yesterday was that I CAN APPLY THIS TO PARENTING!!  (Insert forehead slap here.) I have been delving into this consciousness-as-cause stuff and noticing how it shows up in so many places (money, relationships, parking spots), but I haven't totally applied it to parenting. 

So here is an example:

If I believe that cuddling Elliott after he has smacked Saschy will give him the message that it's ok to be violent, THEN IT WILL.

If I believe that giving children something they are asking for will spoil them, THEN IT WILL.

If I believe that I am being permissive when I say yes over and over during a day, THEN IT IS. 

If I believe that I have to prove to myself, my dad, the world that I am not a permissive parent, THEN I AM.

And...if I believe that being permissive is possible, and if possible that it is bad, THEN IT IS.

And here is the super fun part: If I don't believe these, and believe something else entirely, THEN THAT IS WHAT IS TRUE. 

I can love my children every chance I get, no matter what they do, and they will be kind and loving and respectful human beings.

I can give my kids information about how people like to be thanked, how gestures of kindness create more kindness, what consideration looks like and how they can be true to themselves and kind to others, and they will be. 

I can unschool my kids and they can be intelligent, globally aware, socially healthy, wealthy and happy human beings. 

This is so startlingly fantastic to me. 

In the last two days, I let go of trying to prove (which I hardly realized I was doing) that I'm not permissive and thought to myself, so what if I am permissive?  So what if someone plasters that label on me, even someone I adore? SO WHAT? Just in letting it go, in embracing it even, the whole belief in "permissiveness" imploded. (Or is at least rapidly splintering.)

It's like I stumbled upon a whole category of belief breakthroughs. It's freeing. It's refreshing. I'm happy about it. 

And I will keep on digging because there is gold in them thar hills, friends. GOLD.

I want to go here for more brain rewiring. 

 

Comments

[kris laroche]

Oh what a conscious path you are walking, Martha. Connecting to that fear as you replay the previous days events. Seeing that through the haze of arguments and emotions. I notice that it is so often at the base of what spirals into conflict between us...when I look at it, feel into it, choose something different in my awake moments, what a difference that is. Love, Kris

[Martha]

I;m late to responding but I read this post last week and I've been thinking about it since. This morning I got up early after an insomniatic night that followed a day of what felt like a lot of arguing with my son. I kept trying to empathize and give information in the hard moments and he would just refute whatever I handed out. Tried also to simply hold and quiet, be quiet. Not trying to 'defend' what I did do but I noticed he was seeming opposed to everything and I was quickly spiraling into fear central. So then we really end up in different places. So this morning on my dawn walk I was replaying those tensions and really connecting to how much fear was the thing driving my tension. A lot of feelings like the ones you go over in this post. I'm probablynot explaining it coherently but I did see it with some clarity. Thanks for articulating the issue, or some of it at least, for me.

[kris laroche]

HI Kendra: The official end of the special is today, so if you sign up by the end of the day, then you can both take the course for the price of one ($59). You certainly can be paired up together for the Empathy Partners, too. So one of you can pay via paypal (button at bottom of the Magical Mothering page) and then you are both in. Thanks for your interest. I look so much forward to being with you in the course. Let me know if you have anymore questions. Love, Kris

[Kendra]

My friend and I are interested in taking this course together. We would love to get paired up together, for the weekly "buddy" discussion. Can you explain to me what the Pay it forward Special is? And are we too late for that?

[Michelle @ The Parent Vortex]

Thanks for your comments Kris. I totally agree that more labels and more arbitrary limits aren't going to be good for anyone. I'd love to read your post on how to say no empathetically and appropriately according to the child!

[kris laroche]

The bigger question is HOW we say no, rather than WHAT we say no to. Every parent on the planet is going to say no to different things and one parent may say no to different things depending on each child! Maybe we've been asking the lesser of the questions by trying to figure out which NO's matter and which NO"s make us which type of parent (those labels are limiting indeed). I know that every parent on the planet CAN benefit from considering how to say no...empathically and with the amount/kind of information which is helpful to that particular child. Now, what that looks like specifically is surely worthy of a whole post. xo

[kris laroche]

HI Anne:
Im glad you think theres something here for you. Its such a tender spot for so many parents. Ive been feeling vulnerable about posting this and find relief and sustenance in your comment. xxoo

[anne]

there is so much here, kris. We have been struggling with the "limits" that you refer to in your comment a lot lately. I recognize how hard it must be to hear or sense "no" so many times a day. I've been looking for a way to get past that, and I think you are really, really onto something here!

[kris laroche]

Hi Michelle...I dont like to think in terms of children need limits, though i do believe we are saying exactly the same thing. The reason I avoid that phrasing is because Ive seen so many parents inflict unnecessary pain in their children by artificially creating NOs because of a belief in boundaries (and control) above connection and empathy and information. When I look at a typical day, from my childrens point of view, I see about a thousand limits. Wearing a seatbelt in the car seat, eating protein and not just sweets, watching movies only once a week, not petting the neighbors dog (cause the neighbor doesnt want her to), not spitting in my face when experimenting with play and trying to get me to laugh, not going around the block without me, not going to the store to buy stuff, not going to the bakery, not being able to eat crabapples off the tree, not being able to fly, etc etc etc. They go on and on. When these limits happen (sometimes from the outside world and sometimes from me), I offer up lots of empathy and neutral information about how things work as I help them navigate life in a physical body in our culture on planet earth. So, wherever I can say yes, I will. I will stretch my own comfort level as much as possible on their behalf...not in the name of sacrifice but because I like what it offers them and I love what it shows me about my own resilience and strength. If she is freaking out and wants to pee on the floor, I say ok and then explain how I would rather play with you than spend time cleaning and there is more cleaning if you pee on the floor. The new learning for me is about how I might have said no in front of others in certain situations and now I am going to stand up for my kids as much as possible, while also preserving my own dignity and the dignity of others around us. I see some parents who dont redirect or stop inappropriate behaviour and I dont like it. I feel annoyed by those kids and then I feel sad because they are not being given the tools to build healthy relationships in the world. I see the kind of parenting I am talking about as being very very hands on. Thanks for asking!

[Michelle @ The Parent Vortex]

I'd love to hear more about this... I wrote about permissive parenting and attachment parenting this week on my blog, but from a different angle. http://www.theparentvortex.com/wordpress/does-attachment-parenting-mean-permissive-parenting/

I'm curious to hear how your belief breakthrough has changed the way you actually parent in the day-to-day, minute by minute reality. I believe in the power of empathy and love, and I also believe that children sometimes need limits that they may not always like.

These two beliefs don't have to be exclusive, but I sometimes see parents who don't redirect or stop inappropriate behaviour (like hurting others) and I wonder whether it's because they believe that it has to be a choice between love OR limits.