deeper and deeper with empathy

I find it astounding to realize how much there is to empathy. My understanding of it just keeps on going deeper. I am convinced, more than ever, that it is pure magic. It really is.

Here are some recent discoveries:

conflict resolution

::Now, when I offer empathy during a conflict or an intense moment of sibling rivalry, I feel into the space of that pause in the action. It's like I am doing a trust fall backwards into the arms of some invisible giant. I do not know what is going to happen. I do not have the answer and I do not try to come up with any solution. I am handing the whole of it over to the space that is surrounding us in that gap in the fighting. I am asking something bigger than all three of us for help. 

And POOF, like magic, they come up with something themselves that I never would have thought of or it just blows over sweetly.

Sascha: He hit me. My arm hurts. crying and wanting to be held.

Elliott: runs to hide his head in the couch.

Me: Your arm is sore. You are feeling so sad. You didn't like that.

Walking over to Elliott. Are you feeling sad, Elliott? Are you worried now? What's going on for you?

Elliott: She grabbed that golf ball from me and I wasn't finished so I hit her and grabbed it back.

Me: You didn't like it when she grabbed that from you. Would you have preferred she ask you for it? You weren't done with it and you wanted to finish your turn?

Elliott: Yah. Now I'm feeling sad that I hit her. 

Sascha: I'm sorry Ediatt. I won't ever do that aden. I pwomise.

Elliott: OK. Thanks Saschy. I love you, Mom.

Not another technique

::I notice that I have, in the past, tried to use empathy as just another parenting TRICK which is to say, a technique to try to get them to do what I want them to do. 

Me: Are you feeling sad? I am sure you are really sad. Now, will you get in the car?

It's hollow when there is the intention of securing the outcome of my choosing. Intention is everything when it comes to empathy. I can feel the difference in myself when I am genuinely wanting to know what is going on for them, what it is like to BE that person in that moment. I don't always want to be empathic. Sometimes I am clinging tightly to my own self, not wanting to leave ME and MY NEEDS to energetically visit someone else's point of view. But, when I do, it's something to behold. Ironically, it is what my soul is most longing for in those moments when I am least able to do it. Tender, true togetherness.

Connection without commiseration

::With other adults, I am newly aware of the treasure that empathy is for creating connection without compromising my own honesty or integrity. I think that I used to want to commiserate more, to be right there sharing in the unhappy or unlucky events of life. 

Oh totally, that is so rough. It is so hard to get ahead in this economy...

So strong was my desire to be there for someone, that I would be willing to say things that I don't actually believe, or don't want to believe. I would compromise my own perspective on the magnificence of this world, this life, a perspective which is rich and fulfilling and currently offering up miracle after miracle and dropping them at my feet.

Now, I see how to keep my heart open to that person's pain or struggle by offering empathy as I am seeing things from their point of view, without judgment or losing faith in them or life, and without stripping one single shred of my own well-being away. 

Empathy will continue to teach me, I am sure. It is a life's work, worthy of wholehearted attention.

Comments

[Natalia Erehnah Iwanyckyj]

Beautifully said. Non-attachment to solution and resolution is the most challenging part for me. Each step toward empathy brings peace into our days.

[kris laroche]

Anne...Oh the Universe is going to be smiling at your newfound clarity. What riches will come from that, I wonder...xxoo

[kris laroche]

6512...Yes. Its a curious thing to see where our motives lie in moments of pseudo-empathisizing. I notice how often it is that I am trying to change someone, something, some feeling and what power there is in NOT trying to change anything at all. xxoo

[kris laroche]

Hilaree...It would be an honour to have a piece of me on your bathroom mirror. Love to you, friend. xxoo

[kris laroche]

Hello dear Kara. Thank you for saying so. xxoo

[kris laroche]

Jennifer...it is so true...
I, too, struggle with betraying myself and my true feelings on the altar of being with a friend in their difficult emotion
Just today a friend called and I found myself in that exact situation of straining to be true to myself and also to hhonour and support her in her dark moment. I moved into commiserating and it felt horrible. It felt untrue to her AND to me. I saw from this experience that I believe others want us to be with them and also to hold a light to something bigger, brighter. I want to trust that when I am struggling that my loved ones will hold their own self strong and not let me or my feelings bring them down into any kind of pit whatsoever. I want them to remain true and to love me where I am at too. It is worthy work, this. Love, k

[Jennifer Myers Kaczmarek]

So much abundant fruit in this post, kris ... you have really put your finger on something here. I think I will always remember "not another technique" -- that's absolutely brilliant and borne of your deep, true experience.

I, too, struggle with betraying myself and my true feelings on the altar of "being with" a friend in their difficult emotion (whether that be sorrow, or anger, or frustration, etc.). I think that's partially due to my great desire to let others know they are NOT alone, that someone hears and sees them ... and also of many years of my mother (it ALL comes back to mothers, doesn't it?!) expecting me to be fully aligned with HER emotions, not mine.

Your words move me along in a big journey to freedom and authenticity, and I thank you.

Love to you!

[kara]

Kris,
I read this post last night before bed, and thought about it a lot today. The "not another technique" section really resonated with me. Especially when you said this..."I don't always want to be empathic. Sometimes I am clinging tightly to my own self, not wanting to leave ME and MY NEEDS to energetically visit someone else's point of view. But, when I do, it's something to behold. Ironically, it is what my soul is most longing for in those moments when I am least able to do it."

All I can say is thank you.

[Hilaree]

LOVELY. Hugely poetic. I think I'm going to print out this post and hang it on my bathroom mirror.

[6512 and growing]

Okay, I see now that in using empathy I wasn't always, truly empathetic, more like "oh sigh, really kids? Lets move through this one and restore peace."

Re-thinking this now, thank you.

[anne]

I really like separating connection and commiseration. I sometimes feel like I am betraying myself or my kids by commiserating just to create a connection with someone! I must be totally confusing the universe. great post-thanks!

[kris laroche]

HI Carrie: I find that part challenging too. I dreamt all last night that I kept interrupting people I wanted to be listening to! xxoo

[kris laroche]

Hi Kristanne:
Yes...perhaps it would have led to better connection OR maybe in that heated moment (as I often find) the empathy needs to be for yourself. Let him go on and on and release whatever pent up emotions he has in that moment (which could be from who knows what earlier in the day or week) and you just stay totally loving and present towards yourself. Ive noticed, especially with Saschy, that empathy for her in the moment rarely sinks in or has any impact, often even resulting in more fury and name calling towards me. (You are BAD. I feel like shooting you!). Then, later on when she is calmed down we can talk about it and I can create a noticiably stronger connection with her by offering her empathy. She will listen to me and then be SO incredibly loving and affectionate with me. To me, THAT is working. Love to you, friend. You are totally on it.

[Kristanne]

OK, Kris. Total lightbulb moment re this not being another technique. Yesterday my son was wanting a cupcake before dinner. When I said he could have it afterwards, he would not accept it. This turned into many, many minutes of complaint, and even included phrases like, "You're not a good mummy!" and "I'm going to find a new family because I don't like you!"
I was reminded of Alfie Kohn's example in his book and recommendation to just stop explaining my reasons for refusal. I tried empathy and it did not "work" to stop his complaining. I was just trying to make him stop saying those hurtful things.
Perhaps if my goal had shifted to real understanding of his perspective, we could have had a much better connection.

[Carrie]

Yep, you have shed some light for me with empathy and my kids.
It sorta sunk in a way that I can't explain.
Thank you
With others I find it challenging to not offer up how I can relate
To stay interested in the conversation when it doesnt some how come back to me---that is my challenge sometimes
This is really inspiring Kris
Thank you
XxxcArrie-anne

[kris laroche]

Teri...isnt it, though? We are part of something extraordinary. I have goosebumps right now, which is always my signal that the Big Juice is flowing. xxoo

[Teri]

This is beautiful. I echo Stacey's sentiments... how to be empathetic without being pulled into a state of sadness/fear/whatever the other person is feeling.

I really believe that all of us here reading and feeling and learning are changing the world. It's inspiring.

[Natalie]

So clearly put. Thank you.

[Lu Hanessian]

Kris, I shared your beautiful post with parents on my Parent2ParentU Facebook page and your wisdom is resonating and rippling through the world. So profoudn. I love the idea and practice of a "trust fall". This is grace. --xo Lu

[kris laroche]

Erin...you said even more about what I meant. Thank you for offering your own seeing of this. Love, K.

[Stacey]

Lots to think about here.

empathy without sacrificing my well-being -- I want to know how to do that.

i tend to suffer with people which does not help them or me. I have a hard time maintaining me when putting myself in someone's shoes.

thanks for posting this -- so much to consider.

[erin]

I liked the part you wrote about being there for someone else "without judgement or losing faith in them or life, and without stripping one shred of my own well-being away."

Wow, Kris that brought some things to a conscious level for me, that I want to change. Often times, when I offer empathy, i feel like i have to give up my hold on the blessings abundant in my own life, and that if their life is bumpy right now, then somehow offering empathy means hiding the greatness and wonder that i am feeling and experiencing.

I want to be able to hold both: my own sense of wonder and joy, while holding space for their challenging reality and feelings. Without the need to adjust mine accordingly.

Empathy...what a great teacher, and your post was helpful to me today :) Thanks!

[Deeper Empathy]

What a wonderful post. Thank you

[Sharni]

Great post! Thankyou