Kindness Is The Cure

(I don't have a matching picture, so here's a look from a few days ago which matches the idea:)

Here's the scene in the house this morning...a tent is set up in the middle of the living room and we all woke up blisteringly early so emotions are blowing a bit strong and things are wild with play negotiations. Elliott has a strange red bump on his lower leg which now has a purple, hard kind of large welt all around it and it has been there long enough that I'm starting to wonder. I talk to him about having it looked at and he adamantly refuses. This kid is generally appreciative of factual information (I do my best to eliminate all fear and dire predictions, threats, etc and offer up neutral "facts", as I see them) and responsive to my suggestions when given lovingly and maturely. Not here.

He is thrashing around on the floor basically hating me and wishing the moon would come along and swallow me up, or something like that. 

I slide myself into an empathic state of being and offer up my best on a platter for him, really feeling into what might be going on inside his seething heart. Scared of it hurting? Shy about being looked at? Wanting to make his own choices about his body? Not liking it when we have different ideas? Mad that his body is taking a bit of time to heal it? Not wanting his plan for the day to be interrupted? 

We also move through the basics: hungry? tired? cold? 

Although a tiny glimpse of connection came through with the empathy guess about wanting to make his own decisions about his body, it was not the gush of relief that I wanted for both of us. 

What the hell? And this was after a sweet night of cuddling, where we whispered together beside Saschy's sleeping body and smiled about things for a long spell before falling asleep. It wasn't adding up for me.

Then, I asked him if I could hold him. He looked at me and I asked again. He came over and we ended up rolling around on the couch together, blowing raspberries and licking cheeks and other ridiculous giggle-producing antics. When we got up, he was a different kid. It turned into a different day, sort of a spiral UPwards kind of thing. 

I shook my head over it. The miracle of it. Kindness...connection...presence...whatever you want to call it. Empathy is part of it and not all of it. It's even bigger than empathy. It's huge. 

In the middle of burying my head in his belly button and listening to his laugh, I thought of the total, absolute bullshit our culture thinks of as "good parenting" which is floating around in our heads, stopping us from dropping everything during the toughest moments (when they need it most) and scooping up our suffering, beautiful children and holding and loving them full throttle. It makes me mad. 

It's in my head too and maybe that's why I get mad. Because sometimes I am resisting LOVE in favor of some other conventional crap that I am believing which is all entirely fear based and completely untrue (spoiling, permissive, teaching a lesson, doormat, manipulating me, playing me....). I won't do it. I won't use any supposedly scientific technique designed to train children to be obedient. I won't believe fear. I won't narrow my own heart. I won't compromise our connection.

I choose love.

I choose love.

I choose love.

Comments

[kris laroche]

Hi Suzanne. I've been thinking of your question for a few days. I'm curious about your wording..."when they make themselves". Is there a subtle, hidden belief that they are doing it on purpose? That they could do it differently if they chose? If there is any thought like that in your mind then it is so much harder to be loving towards them. When your thoughts are more about how they are needing to let something out to rebalance themselves, or that the emotional expression is healthy and helpful, then it's easier to be patient. xo

[kris laroche]

Huge love to you, Mary. Your intention and desire to be empathic with your children (and yourself?) goes a very very long way. Remember that when the words arent flowing the way you want and when the traditional response slips past your lips. There is only love. xxxooo

[Mary Leveque]

Hi Kris,

My children are loving the feeleeze poster...especially my 7 year old son. He spends a lot of time studying it and telling me how he feels. It helps with empathy.

I think a lot about your posts (and Natalie's). Thanks so much for all you put into this. I am so programmed to do the traditional...it is so hard to escape and your writing and Natalie's help.

Thank you again..and I mean this very sincerely.

mary

[kris laroche]

HI Anne: Im relieved too to meet someone with unwashed beautiful hair! Ahhh. I want to apply this lesson to EVERYTHING...trust and see what happens for ourselves, rather than believing the fear and habit and tradition. Much love to you.

[kris laroche]

Cant wait to dig deeper with you too, Heather!xxoo

[kris laroche]

HI Lucia:
Keep visiting here and other blogs Ive listed to infuse your self with UNconventional parenting with love wisdom. So glad you are here and thank you for sharing. xxoo Your heart knows what to do/not do.

[anne]

Kris, we've never once washed Clementine's hair, and it is gorgeous-and totally doesn't smell! Glad to hear we're not the only ones...thank you for clarifying that you weren't distracting him from his feelings. this is something i need to try to be mindful of. it can be so easy to distract, and I don't want to make a habit of it.

[Heather]

Reading this makes me want to avoid just being present and skip the first half of May to get to the ecourse. You are a continual source of inspiration. Can't wait to dig deeper!!

[Lucia Figueiredo]

I've just started following your blog and really enjoyed reading this today. We (me and my sweet 2,5 year old son)have been having some hard times lately, a lot of screaming with no apparent reason, breakdowns, etc. And it's though sometimes to not fall for the "conventional parenting wisdom", specially while visiting friends and family who have a very different take on parenting. But I try, as you put it, to choose love, above all. To be with him, and listen and try not to fix anything. To find a way to connect, and see the world through his eyes. Thank you for the inspiration!

[kris laroche]

I so agree with you Hilaree that each child is so different and that a conscious, devoted mama does indeed know each child best. Oh your sweet boy so sad after the shampoo. Makes me giggle a little because last night we were just noticing the fact that Elliott has washed his hair ONCE since Mexico over a year ago! Crazy and yet not. His hair is beautiful and smells just fine. Thanks for this insight into your laughter moment with your child. Tender and precious. xo

[kris laroche]

A couple of things since I wrote this yesterday. First, Elliotts leg is completely better. The last decision we made before committing to visiting our homeopath was for him to tell his body to heal that bump quick. He did and it did. A teeny red mark is left today and thats it. Whoa. The other thing I want to be clear about is that I did not jump into playing with him as a way of distracting him from his feelings. This is an essential difference. My intention was to connect with him and hold him and be with him because whatever he was going through was so hard for him. In our snuggle, he initiated play and tickling and thats where we went with it. Just wanted to be clear about that.

[anne]

oh, I'm so glad to read this today.
"I won't believe fear. I won't narrow my own heart. I won't compromise our connection."
yes! yes!

[Hilaree]

Beautiful! Victorious!

Here's one for you - my four year old son LOST HIS MIND after I washed his hair the other night (screaming, sobbing, kicking in the tub, even hitting himself in the head). I kept trying to talk to him gently, help him out of the tub, you name it. Finally, I dramatically yelled, "Aaaaah!" and pretended to slip on water on the bathroom floor. I even staged a fall onto my rear. Immediate results! He then could not stop laughing. I also pretended I didn't know how his water squirter Spiderman toy worked and kept squiritng myself in the face with it. We were then able to move on with our evening.

One thing to note - that particular strategy would only annoy my 6 year old daughter. We mamas know our children the best!

[Suzanne]

This is great, Kris. And although I WANT to choose love every time, it can sure be difficult to get there when they make themselves extremely unlovable. Sounds like you went through a laundry list to find the key. How do you continually find the patience for it?