Another brilliant book

Parenting For Social Change is a beautiful book, full of solid, well-researched arguments and inspirational stories designed to help us move away from CONTROL of our children, in all its subtle and glaring forms, to step into the enriching practice of SUPPORTIVE parenting.

The implications are far reaching and Teresa has me looking at the sneaky and unconscious patterns and habits of control which I perpetuate. I've been a fan of her website for some time and was delighted to realize she had written a book. She had me with this:  "I try not to use the words my children, but instead have shifted my thinking, talking and writing to the children who share my life."

Teresa advocates parenting in which: 

• children are viewed as full human beings, valuable in their own right;
• the focus is on the present, with the goal being to honor children's humanity;
• transforming the parent-child relationship can create broader social change, thus the child-parent relationship is primary, and;
• the work we need to do is about ourselves as parents, not about changing children.

Our culture operates on the paradigm of control and domination and this bleeds into mainstream parenting. We are surrounded by models of this at the playground, in the grocery store, from our own upbringings. In order to open my own mind and become conscious of these hidden assumptions and beliefs, I need to immerse myself in every available source of A DIFFERENT WAY OF BEING WITH CHILDREN (and with myself) and this book has more than inspired just that for me. 

There are so many rich quotes I want to share with you. Here are a few (in hopes that you will read the book, too!):

"I asserted my need to control through the food my family ate: no fast food, no "junk" food, only one piece of a sweet or sugary treat and only once in a while. When I look back at this need to control, I know that so much of it was a desire to regain the power I lost as a child. I still struggle with this loss and have to work to not use the loss of control over my own life as an excuse to exercise it over those around me."

"All children want the love and approval of their parents and will often do anything to ensure that they get them. When we, as parents, try to control a child's emotions, we strip her of who she is in that moment and require that she push her emotions down rather than allowing the feelings to flow."

"In looking at the impact of parental influence on children's eating behaviors, researchers have found that restricting access to certain foods and pressuring a child to eat more might have the short-term result of getting a child to comply with the parent's expectations. However, in the long term coercion and control have the opposite effect. For example, when access to food is restricted, there is evidence that in the long term children tend to eat when not hungry, do not have the ability to self-regulate their diet, and tend to gain weight as well as have a negative self-image."

"We should treat children with the respect that all human beings deserve simply because it is the right thing to do. How we treat others in our lives is a reflection of our own humanity. If the children in our lives experience control, domination and oppression as a result of their status as children, we all lose as human beings."

If you ever have thoughts in your head such as...

...are they just manipulating me?

...they can't treat me like this.

...but if I let them then they will just take advantage.

...I can't control them so I must be a horrible parent.

...They are just testing my boundaries.

 

Or any of the other million false ideas which run amok, being misinterpreted as "truths" and you just KNOW in your heart and gut that there must be a different way, then this book will help to show you just that. Teresa challenges our fears and the norms of oppression in our culture, demonstrating how harmful they are to children and reminds us of the worthiness and immense value of being a supportive parent: for our children AND our own well-being.  Once you've decided that you feel compelled to let go of any habit of control (which you probably already have otherwise you wouldn't be reading this blog), then the work of dismantling your own dark fears and furies begin (and continues...).

This is the place where I want to be with you, to hold your hand as you shed that old, too tight skin and allow something else emerge, radiant and raw. It is scary and beautiful, this path of liberation.  If you want it, its yours. 

Listen to an interview with Teresa here.

Comments

[mary]

hi kris---crossing over from your class---checked out her website. you're a gem. thanks so much----mary

[Rachel]

Thanks for the recommendation- I went straight to Amazon to pick up a copy! :)

[Teri]

Looks fantastic! I'll have to add it to my list!