Wondering...

Are we promoting narcissism when we ask our kids..."How would you like it if someone did that to you?"

For many parents, the intention is to help a child understand someone else's feelings, maybe they even have empathy in mind, and yet, it seems this strategy might create the opposite effect. It's a rhetorical question which is shaming to a child. It may break the trust and connection between us. 

I've done it and it has felt horrible. In the moment, I am angry and maybe afraid of what the other parents are thinking. I'm fearful that this child I love will "turn out" to not be empathic if I don't "teach" that lesson. I'm falling into the abyss of unconsciousness, automatically following the unquestioned parenting norm. Ugh. 

Any movement in the world that is born of fear or anger is a movement better left undone. Something inside us is begging for our tender attention and softness. It's always about us. 

Comments

[kris laroche]

Dear Teri. Im glad what I said fit for you. Its curious those hidden expectations about adjusting to siblings. Ive noticed that it is often much, much harder from new babe being around 6 months to 2 years old! Just when we thought wed made it through that transition. Yes...those moments of speaking from our subconscious, programmed brain can be frustrating, sad, disappointing. You want to be acting from your conscious self all the time because you love your children so very much. xoxo

[Teri]

No Kris - I think you were spot on. Tears instantly started streaming down my face as I read your response because it just all made so much sense to me. For some reason I just expected that she'd be at peace with the fact that she has a sibling by now (ha!), but now I realize that the past few weeks have been wrought with tension - illness, seriously considering moving to another state. It's like we just are swimming in uncertainty and she's picking it all up.

Empathy empathy. Some moments I feel I'm SO on it. And others, well it's like I'm repeating the exact same words that were said to me as a child. Not that I turned out so horrible, but I still feel silenced and not fully able to seize my own power.

I just want to say that you and your writing really means a lot to me. Thank you!

[kris laroche]

Hi Teri...I left the computer and thought of it all again and wanted to be sure you know that these were hunches, and if your own inner guide is agreeing, lovely, if not, then you will find your own answers which ring true. And...be sure to heap more empathy upon yourself than you think you need. It is a uber challenging time you are in...so stretched and strained and exhausting, it can be. And exquisite and beautiful and divine. I am sending you enormous love, glad you are in the world.

[karyn]

You're quite right Kris...
I discovered that people don't actually want to be treated like I'd like to be treated anyway...some want loads of attention - I don't; some want to be left alone - I don't'; some want to be resuced - I don't.

[Teri]

Oh Kris, thank you for those words. They are so wise!

[Michelle Bross]

I love this article on Ask Better Questions:
http://www.oakhavenmontessori.net/oakhaven-compass-montessori-newsletter/ask-better-questions/

[kris laroche]

HI Teri...You have that young sibling there, still pretty new on the scene. yes...these weeks are hard. My first take on your situation is that she is desperate to be close to you and longing for connection. She is saying she doesnt like you anymore because (my guess) she has watched you, the love of her life, fall in love with someone else. She is in pain over you. She wants you. It may feel like thats the last thing you have to give her right now as you navigate life with two and struggle with your own exhaustion and desire to eat a nourishing meal or take a bath alone! When I start to think the thoughts shes driving me crazy or shes whining I notice that perspective makes things even harder because it adds to the disconnection. A string around your whole body, indeed! And maybe also some loving arms holding YOU through all this. When you feel more filled up, empathy for her will flow so much easier. Its the thing you most want to feel when you are least able to find it. Love to you, Teri.

[kris laroche]

HI Debbie: Checking in with your own intentions in any situations is so helpful and then giving yourself heaps of empathy. When those words have come out of my mouth, I can be honest in saying that I was pissed and wanted to make him suffer, somehow. I lost my own connection with him in that moment. When I take a big breath and trust that he is a human being in pain or he is suffering in some way to do something to someone else, then THAT perspective changes my intentions as I start to interact about it. Asking...hey, whats going on for you? where you genuinely are getting CURIOUS about it (because you trust that there must be a reason behind it that makes sense to him) can reveal very helpful insights. Also trusting that THEY GET IT. They can see from the other persons reaction what was happening and in most cases, if he is feeling secure in his own connection with you, he will develop empathy naturally. Especially if he gets to see you provide empathy often. If he is hurting someone over and over, you can invite him away or take him away and say...this isnt working for me and then use the opportunity of some time alone with him (key word being WITH) to reconnect, either by talking about what was happening or not talking about it and just being together. Sometimes when I do this, I can see the emotional shift in him immediately and I realize that he wanted help to change the dynamic with the other kid or he wanted to feel close to me or he wanted the change to be heard. You can ask...can you see her face? then say...its doing this...(make face). I think that means she doesnt like what you are doing. The key here is neutral neutral neutral. It is so challenging to remove all of our own judgmental/evaluative language and shave it down to being just simple and non-accusing. It can also be so helpful to not talk too much about it in the moment and to reflect on it later, if the child wants. to. TRUST that they are doing the best they can always (and so are you).xoxo

[Teri]

I'm imagining how I would feel if an adult friend asked me that question. I'd feel pretty darn embarrassed and humiliated.

Here is my little personal pity party: it's just SO hard to stay fully present! This week, my daughter is driving me crazy! Kicking and pinching and biting her 6 month old brother, whining and crying for hours (yes, really - hours!), and on top of that saying "Mommy, I don't like you anymore."

Ouch!

You know how some people tie a string around their fingers to remember something? I feel like I need a string around my entire body to remind myself - Treat them like you want to be treated.

[kris laroche]

Oh this made me giggle...your mini-essay...and your initial response of of course the hell not is making me laugh out loud!
Sometimes I will say...I have some feelings about that, not to try to make them care about my feelings but just as a sort of for the record. Asking...whats your interest in that?
Then...my bigger interest in what YOU are saying here is...exhausted and tense. Dear love, I am taking an enormous breath right now for you. xoxo

[Martha]

Really a timely post since my son today asked me, "mom, can I kill ants?" "OF COURSE THE HELL NOT" my inner, exhausted, tense voice exerted. I tried to skirt the yes/no question format and immediately began explaining to him how ants are alive, they like the breath, eat, explore, etc., trying to lead my 3 year old towards empathy. Then, trying more, I attempted to link the ant's ostensible wish to live to my son's (projected, I realize, on my part), and therefore finish off nicely my mini-essay: have empathy for the ant since he, like you, wants to live, and if you kill him you will not have empathized with him, which is ??? what? moral failure? on your part. Oy vey. Next time I'm going to try to begin my response with, "hmmm. You want to kill that ant, huh?" then maybe. "What do you feel about that ant?" and try to explore the question he asked and what was behind it.

[Kristanne]

My goodness! This is so timely! Yesterday my 5-year-old said this exact thing to my 2-year-old. When it came out of his mouth, I instantly knew: (1) he got it from me, (2) it doesn't sound nice, and (3) it is NOT a genuine question. I made a mental note to stop saying it and instead direct his thoughts towards others' feelings in other, less-shaming ways.

[Debbiedas.wordpress.com]

This is very timely for me since my almost 5 year old is often doing things that others would wish he wouldn't and more precisely, things that he would dislike to have happen to him. I agree that asking a child how they would like it if...indicates they've done something very wrong and stinks of shame.

Just today we had a friend over and while I stayed present with Isaac's behaviour and interactions, I still found myself using this phrase, albeit I was kind and gentle and loving. Still, he does exactly what Natalie suggests he might do - he says the opposite of what I know he believes. Nothing makes me crazier. :) And so what do you lovely ladies suggest? How do we handle these situations in a way that is empoweing and not degrading? Thanks for this post. xo

[Natalie]

I think the question alone feels like punishment. The kid usually figures out quite quickly (they aren't stupid!) that the right answer is "bad", "sad", "hurt" and that they then they should put two and two together and come up with a realization and promise to not do that thing to others again. They of course resist this leading question in which if they answer correctly they are drawn as the evil wrong doer.

Commonly:
"How would you feel if someone did that to you?" "Good."

Their answer is both completely irrational and genius at the same time. It thwarts our leading and evades the punishment of shame.

I don't think you can shame someone into feeling empathy for another.