hard day wisdom

buddha in the garlic

Some days are hard. There is just no escaping it. And as you've heard, there is wisdom in no escape. Yesterday was one of those days for me. With the wings of self-friendship at my back, though, I saw through the haze to the riches that exist amidst tears and struggle and pain. Here are some of the thoughts, from notes that I texted to myself to remember and share with you...

::When I wake up crabby, the sooner I can get myself to tears, the better. 

When the hard, tight edge of anger shifts, at the cusp of a different thought about what I'm really feeling deeper inside, rather than just what I'm mad about in the circumstances, crying softens me. It touches me down into a sort of still point and I stop my spinning and fighting. I like that feeling of softness creeping back in. I am kinder after that.

It was surprising to me yesterday when I went from being mad about them not getting into the stroller to walk to the library to realizing that I'm scared of dying. That's the power of inquiry...getting to the heart of things.

::I see how I blame things, even food, for what I don't like that's happening. That energy of blame is toxic. I will sit with the discomfort and see what's really there instead of looking for something to fix because I refuse to heap that kind of crap onto my kids. Blaming is a learned strategy. It's not helpful.

::Controlling others causes pain all around. Control is an extension of fear. I can see that when I get scared about something (always about past or future thoughts), I try to secure a certain outcome by controlling what's happening in the present moment. We seek control in the exact areas where we lack self-trust. Afraid you cannot be trusted with food? You will be more controlling of how and what your children eat. Afraid that you cannot trust yourself with money? You will be more controlling of how and what your children buy. 

Hard days are hard. Thankfully, we surface.

 

 

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[Stacy @ Sweet Sky]

Hard days are hard. Thank you for being there for yourself. I feel funny saying it, but you being there for yourself makes a difference to many more than we'll know, and right now, that includes me.

Reading this brings the tears closer.

[kris laroche]

Blaming as a form of punishment, yes. And everyone loses and yet, how to shift that habit of escaping feeling our truer feelings. I have been thinking about how it may all come down to our desire to do anything and everything it takes to not stare uncertainty in the face. Facing the reality that we have no control, that nothing is certain, that all of this is smoke and mirrors and we are not who we are pretending to be is terrifying. There is a death involved. And then liberation waits patiently and with open arms on the other side. Not to mention much more interesting relationships.

[kris laroche]

Hi Shelly...It sounds like you are feeling on edge, in a tussle with your life. That is exhausting, isnt it? Its like you know that somewhere deep inside you are buying into old ideas that no longer fit you, like wearing too tight clothes, and yet, you cant quite see them clearly enough to shift out of them and into the you that you want to be right now. You can let the anger dissolve and it doesnt have to be something that is far off into the future. Totally attainable for you, love. Trust your bigger self. She is on your side. xoxo

[kris laroche]

Hi Jill...yes...that is it, isnt it? being comfortable with the state of my discomfort and seeing the beauty through the haze. The haze is just illusions anyways. It feels so good to surface from that, in whatever small or big way that comes about. xoxoxo

[kris laroche]

Hi Rachel...what do I do to get myself to tears? I see myself digging underneath the anger, since I do believe that anger is usually a cover up for some pain caused by something I am believing. So, I might ask myself some questions with as much tenderness towards myself as I can tap into...(my inner dialogue) hey love...whats going on for me? What am I feeling sad about? Im feeling so sad because I got so mad at them and thats not who I want to be. Im sad because Im disconnected and numb right now and missing the beauty which is right here. This moment will never ever come again and I am missing it. Im so sad about that. (Then I look at fears...)What am I feeling afraid of? Im so afraid that they wont know how loved they are, that Im not living as fully as I can, that i will look back with regret. I am afraid that they will die and I am afraid of when I will die. Im afraid of the end. Im afraid of something happening to them and that grief will crush me...(Then I might shift into wants). I want to be here right now. I want to be kind. I want to soak up every second of my life completely so that I look back knowing that I savored it all, drank it all up, because in the end, that is all that matters. All these other little worries are distractions from me being who I want to be, from me living my life.
By this time Im crying and feeling reconnected with what matters to me and who I want to be, reconnected with them, back into the moment. I might still feel off (tired, grumpy, sad) though it has a different quality...softer, more gentle. Trusting yourself is essential. Being tender and compassionate with the angry part of you is big, too. Love to you, Rachel. Thanks for asking...this was touching to feel and write. xoxo

[Rachel]

I agree with everyone else- thanks for the wisdom & insight. Strange question though- how do you get yourself to tears? I think it's a strategy that could work for me & I know I feel sooo much better deep inside once I cry, but I'm wondering how to get there when I have a tight knot of frustration and sadness?

[Jill Smyth]

Such observation!

The connection between crying and softening/opening - high fives sister. I am blessed to have read this. You! I am amazed.

The haze! I know that haze! Admist hard days around my birthday last week, I was gifted "The Wisdom of No Escape" - thus allowing myself to be comfortable with the state of my discomfort as I gazed at the beauty around me. The things I am grateful for and joyful about. Even when it was hard to realize it. :) Sunbathing, reading and understanding. Truly a wonder-filled week.

Kris, I have love all this way. For me and for you.

My gratitude.

[Shelly]

Thank you for sharing!! We seem to be having lots of hard days here too lately!! 3 1/2 is very challenging to me. The constant onslaught of "what? why?" after everything I say with no listening to whatever answer I might have is very exhausting. The rest of life has been too full, stressful, unsure, hot, and busy, also.
I so wish I could learn to let the anger disolve into tears. I still haven't shaken the lessons I learned as a child that tears are a sign of weakness. Someday, hopefully.
Thank you for being here!!

[Martha]

blaming, i notice too, i really intense. and, for me, too, learned. and automatic. i've had a tension for a few weeks now about my parents upcoming visit with us, and my tension (often unrecognized by me) seems to infuse a lot of interactions with control, distance, fissure. i've been noticing recently how i am seeming to understand more closely the distance between my husband and me, or my son and me. often the result of my subtle or not so subtle attempt to fix, control an outcome, get a desired solution. the distance increases/decreases, opens/closes seems to be often in flux. blaming to me seems a form of punishment.

[Jennie]

Crying earlier? Oh my goodness - yes. Thanks for the wisdom.