musings

::yesterday, the gentle man who came recently to teach me about meditation called and asked to come visit to inquire about how my practice is going. i gasped a little on the phone since i've sat once since my "lesson". i noticed i didn't actually feel like a kid in trouble but felt cared for by his willingness to tend to me in that way. it was inspiration enough to sit last night. i wept with the relief of doing what matters so deeply to me but which i have been not doing, choosing to knit instead. which i also love. 

::the sewing machine started huffing and chugging today in a most disturbing way then quit working altogether in the middle of a peter pan tunic. i feel sad about that. i'm sitting here with a needle in my mouth, ready to stitch it up by hand after i finish this post.

::i'm wondering if we each have a well-worn groove (frequently referred to as a default) which either leans more towards loose and easy-going and chaotic or strict and structured and tighter. i wonder if our work as mothers is to widen our own grooves, maybe etch out new paths altogether. i wonder if that gives us more peace, that kind of flexibility. i wonder if we go back into our most worn grooves whenever we are tired and stressed and lonely. 

::i wonder why making things is so appealing to me. it has a hold on me. that's mostly what i gently bring myself back from while i'm sitting in meditation. i wonder if meditation and mothering are even possible together. i tell myself that it's harder because i'm mothering all day. i like moving and doing. i wonder why i think that's bad. or less good than sitting still.

::i notice how much bigger the response is to a post that shares my vulnerabilities. do you think we are all so hungry to hear that from each other? to not compare ourselves to others and feel rotten, but to see others and feel more accepting of ourselves? do we all need that so much? why, do you think?

::i also notice that i don't need to post a photo to say something. i wonder if it's better not to. 

::i'm shifting from putting up food to thinking about making things for winter holidays. creativity can be such a source of light as the darkness closes in. i am feeling those familiar fall feelings of discontent, especially after two long live-ins with women and children i love in recent months. i miss them. the nuclear family thing is lonely. so much stress on relationships, even with wonderful friends in the same town. it's not the same as living together with women. the village. i want what our female ancestors had. there is so much work to do in a house with children on our own. how is it for you?

 

Comments

[kris laroche]

martha...mmmm. yes...images do stick, dont they? i like knowing you remember that. xo AND birthday blessings to you, friend.

[kris laroche]

Melissa...I am soooo happy that somehow, across the miles, these words make a difference for you. I thought of you today...wanting us all to feel less alone.

[Martha]

one of my all time favorite photos from anywhere from the summer was the one you posted of knitting on a boat - in vancouver. that's all i can think of in response to this post.

[Melissa]

Yes, the loneliness! I feel it too. I long for a sister-wife-friend of some sort, another woman presence living with us, sharing companionship during the day to day tasks of caring for houses and children. Or even better, the tribal village with lots of other female presences. Something deep within me yearns for this and I don't know why. I wonder if men feel similar longings? As always Kris, thanks for sharing, for starting the conversation. Makes me feel less alone.

[kris laroche]

yes jill and carrie...yes yes yes. maybe that is the gift of blogs and internet these days when our villages arent so physical and tangible. to feel connected as i imagine you in your home doing the very same things and treating them all as the meditations that they are. open, open, open myself to what is and BE love...fiercely, completely, honestly in moments of delight and moments of agonizing fury.

[kris laroche]

oh erin...that image of you and your village this summer makes me hum inside. yes yes yes....i know so deeply and truly thats more right, for children and for me, to be amongst all those loving, interesting, alive humans, living with their hands in the dirt and open to the children. oh my. do you think if we want it, it will come?

[kris laroche]

Thank you Paulina. I hope thats true. I like that version of things. xo

[Paulina]

I find knitting to be very meditative and count that as meditation if I don't have the time to 'sit'.

I loved your recent posts and wanted to write in my support as well -- just later than the others. I think your blog does so much to support me (and other readers) in my every day life that when there's an opportunity for that love and support to be reciprocated, we all jumped to do it.

[erin]

the vulnerability is key, and then, once allowing it to be seen, to not run away. to not run away. when friends risk being vulnerable and then run away i feel so sad. for theirl oss and my own. for lost community.

i miss my village too, that i created this summer with a mama friend and her caravan of gypsy friends and family who visited with us, more women was beautiful, waking and seeing them, making food together, talking, questioning, and sitting around the fire hearing their voices while little ones fell asleep one by one in the smoky darkness in their arms. my friends are spread out, but even finding one family this summer a few miles away who live on a farm has been thrilling! and on this farm there is also a gypsy caravan of helpers, woofers, and friends who come and go, come and stay, so the kids have more. more adults to emulate, to talk with to play tug of war with, to weed with.

i like your musings tonight :)

and i tried to wax so poetically to your parenting post, but the internet ate it! i wonder why? maybe i need to live more fearlessly what i wrote instead of sharing it...

[Carrie]

I see mothering as the ultimate meditation
Washing dishes over and over
Cooking singing mantra while doing
Deep breath--bringing myself back to the moment.
Traditional sitting meditation---someday soon
But not yet for this mama
Instead I look for my moments while
Vulnerability---love it
There is so much to learn and I love when that space is truly open

Oh---we went thru this too with girlie and potty---and this too passed.

Much love xxcarrie-anne

[Jill Smyth]

On my own in a house with a children?
Overwhelming sometimes.
Lonely and repetetive and practice, patience, wait. Love and magic and beauty extreme.

Moving and transition is everywhere and a girl who has peed on the potty for months is peeing her pants and it's overwhelming for her too. Each day is an exercise in allowing myself to be with what is. To find more. To treat us both lovingly even though I want to scream. Forgiving Me for the times I do.

And yes, to see anyone sharing their vulnerability reminds me to give myself permission to do the same. Humanizes me in a way. Thank you for sharing yours.

Love all ways