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On Sunday, I arranged for the kids to go to the neighbor's for the morning and then to a friend's house for the afternoon. One whole day apart. It was a first for us.
They were ecstatic, holding their lunches in little brown bags with handles for maybe 40 minutes in the morning, running to the clock on the stove and then running back to me to report every minute change. Chomping at the bit to be off on their big adventure with people they adore. They didn't want me to walk them next door so when the time came, they blew me kisses goodbye and off they tromped out the door, through the gate, and running down the sidewalk.
My feelings were more mixed. And then, I settled in to this space, going for a beautiful hike in the sparkling snow, then home for a relaxing afternoon. I haven't been sleeping well, so I even dozed for awhile. What I noticed was this softness in my belly that isn't usually there. Apparently, I feel a constant hum of stress in my belly when I am with them, ushering them here and there, containing them when we are out, herding and hoping when we need to get things done. With them gone, and happy, my insides got quiet.
I have no clue where I got the idea that it is "bad" to need a "break" from mothering. Maybe it was just that I feel so deeply in love with them that for so long I didn't want to be away for even a minute. But I have clung to that notion for too long, even feeling irritated by others' needing time away from their kids (making them "bad" too?). Sheesh. Maybe a part of me has been afraid that if I get time away I won't ever want to be with them every day again. Judging seems to have a boomerang effect...it always comes back to me in some way, usually me noticing myself do/want/need the VERY thing that I was judging others for. Huh.
It was a good day. For everyone. They didn't want to leave when I went to pick them up. Everyone was ready for this adventure apart. It was a healing day for me, and I was happy to be with them again.
Oh life...what a trip. Thanks for this juicy ride, so full of suprises and wonders.
