one whole day

On Sunday, I arranged for the kids to go to the neighbor's for the morning and then to a friend's house for the afternoon. One whole day apart. It was a first for us. 

They were ecstatic, holding their lunches in little brown bags with handles for maybe 40 minutes in the morning, running to the clock on the stove and then running back to me to report every minute change. Chomping at the bit to be off on their big adventure with people they adore. They didn't want me to walk them next door so when the time came, they blew me kisses goodbye and off they tromped out the door, through the gate, and running down the sidewalk. 

My feelings were more mixed. And then, I settled in to this space, going for a beautiful hike in the sparkling snow, then home for a relaxing afternoon. I haven't been sleeping well, so I even dozed for awhile. What I noticed was this softness in my belly that isn't usually there. Apparently, I feel a constant hum of stress in my belly when I am with them, ushering them here and there, containing them when we are out, herding and hoping when we need to get things done. With them gone, and happy, my insides got quiet. 

I have no clue where I got the idea that it is "bad" to need a "break" from mothering. Maybe it was just that I feel so deeply in love with them that for so long I didn't want to be away for even a minute.  But I have clung to that notion for too long, even feeling irritated by others' needing time away from their kids (making them "bad" too?). Sheesh. Maybe a part of me has been afraid that if I get time away I won't ever want to be with them every day again. Judging seems to have a boomerang effect...it always comes back to me in some way, usually me noticing myself do/want/need the VERY thing that I was judging others for. Huh.

It was a good day. For everyone. They didn't want to leave when I went to pick them up. Everyone was ready for this adventure apart. It was a healing day for me, and I was happy to be with them again.

Oh life...what a trip. Thanks for this juicy ride, so full of suprises and wonders. 

 

Comments

[Catherine Forest]

Teri, we are so similar you and I, it's crazy! The more I read you, the more I feel like I could have written the same thing... I was the same way too (even kind of judging people who left their young children for weekends at a time...). It took me a while to leave my girls overnight, and I had mixed feelings too... It's good to hear you!

[kris laroche]

Thanks Carrie-Anne...your kids are in Waldorf, arent they? I so appreciate your perspective. Yes...working right now while kids are out with friends. Balance is a shifting dance, isnt it?
Xo

[kris laroche]

Thanks Teri...yes...maybe believing that time apart is healthy and strengthening will be helpful to us. Im glad Im not the only one with the tight belly. Its so strange, really. But we need to listen to whatever it is telling us and free ourselves of all shoulds.
With great love,
Kris

[Teri]

It is so interesting that you mention the tight belly. I feel it constantly when I'm with my children. It's so ironic - here I am trying to model calm and to create a safe space for them, and I'm anxious about it and embodying that stress in my stomach. Luckily, my husband and I are are able to share the responsibilities of parenting so we each get some time away (last night I took a yoga class - bliss!), and now our daughter is enrolled 2 days a week in a Waldorf preschool, but we rarely leave our kids with caregivers. I think I can count the number on 1 hand in 4 years. And it's usually with grandparents, when they visit. I think we need to shift this, to make our relationship stronger. Good thoughts as always, Kris!

[Carrie]

I so relate to this--I too felt this way for years.
Perhaps I needed this complete immersion into motherhood to committ so completely.
Now that I have more experience and my children are deeply secure they love an adventure from mamma
That's one reason this Manama chose school for my littles.
My children thrive on a place they can be just them away from there mama's watch.
I am still just as connected but with the understanding that all is fine when I step out sometimes
What a learning curve
Sending love and once again mirroring one another
Xxxxxcarrie-anne