Empathy. Children need to experience empathy in order to develop their wholeness. Empathy is an essential part of allowing our children to flourish. It's not so much a parenting strategy as an experience we create for them.
I can't support that scientifically, though I'm certain someone could. It would be pretty tough to prove otherwise. It's simple, and not easy, to be empathic. It takes overriding our own need to understand, our own urges for logic, our every opinion of what's sensible or reasonable or right. In that way, it is so very good for us, too. Everything we want from meditation and yoga and whatever other practice we use to be grounded in the living present, well, we get that when we are empathic with our children.
Tonight was an emotional evening for Elliott (6 1/2 years old). Here's a little of what went down...
Mama, I want to watch a movie.
It's not movie night, honey.
(With anger and tears) I either want to watch a movie or play baseball with you!
Elliott, I need to do some chores to get us ready for bed and so I'm not going to play baseball with you right now. And we aren't going to watch a movie.
(Crying) I just feel like everyone is being so mean to me today. I'm having a really hard day. I'm so mad at you. You never do what I want you to do. You never play with me.
(I'm thinking...Are you kidding me? We just played baseball in the front yard and we've been doing so many other things that you wanted to do today! And so many good things happened for you at school that you were telling me about. Are you crazy? I resist the urge to say any of this realizing that my point of view is totally irrelevant right now.)
Honey (reaching my arms out for him), will you come here so we can talk about this?
No! (Turning away from me with arms crossed).
Are you feeling sad?
I'm mad.
You are mad because everyone is being mean to you today?
Yeah.
What's been going on? Will you tell me more?
T spit at me and said I couldn't play with him at school today. And J wouldn't play with me either at recess.
You didn't like it when that happened, hey?
Yeah...he is so mean and I'm never going to play with him again.
You are feeling pretty mad about it. You didn't like it when that happened.
(Again resisting more urges...to remind him of all the good things that I know happened today, giving him advice about how to talk to kids when that happens and what to DO about that situation, giving my own opinions about those kids, getting mad myself that this is going on at school, trying to cheer him up or get him to see the positive side of things.)
No. (Now he lets me hold him and I can feel his body soften and release.)
(I remind myself throughout that I don't know what it's like for him, I don't understand what he is working out right now, though I WANT TO UNDERSTAND AND FIX IT...believe me. I want to figure it out because the emotions don't make sense to me, so I'm thinking he's hungry, he's tired, something else is going on....and I let those urges float on by as I remind myself that I don't know what it's like for him and that simply moving through emotions is enough, letting them have some space to be without me interfering or judging them is enough...more than enough...it's healthy and essential. This helps me just be there and hush my mind.)
Then...as he and his sister are eating bed time snacks, and he finds out that she doesn't have to brush tonite because she got paint on fluoride at the dentist today and he does need to brush because he got tray kind of fluoride, he loses his shit and starts sobbing....
It's not fair!!!
You wish you didn't have to brush?
Yeah!! I'm not going to brush. It's not fair! She doesn't have to brush so I don't want to brush either! crying.
(I can hear The Voice in my own head...Well, life isn't fair, kid. Suck it up. That's just the way it is. Get a grip. No clue where that comes from and don't need to know. What I do know is that the first response is the unconscious one and pausing is the greatest tool in my parenting tool kit, so, I pause.)
(I also notice how much I want to let him off the hook from brushing because of the intensity of his emotions, and sometimes I do. Something stops me tonite...something tells me that it's more important to hold firm on the brushing thing so that he can let more of these feelings out, ride this wave of sadness, and that if I tell him he doesn't have to brush that I will be short changing him on this opportunity for release. I thank Chris White for these helpful thoughts. So I stick with empathy and some clarifying information.)
Saschy is younger so she had the paint on fluoride and you are older so you had the tray fluoride. The dentist said that the paint on fluoride person doesn't brush at night and that the tray fluoride person does. When you were younger you had paint on fluoride and when she is older she will have tray fluoride.
It's not fair! I don't want to brush tonite. Does she have to floss?
No and you don't have to floss either.
Oh. But it's not fair. (crying crying crying)
You have different experiences. Life is different for each of you, it's not the same. Remember when you had the cupcake at school and she didn't?
(Ok, so this isn't exactly empathy, it is definitely more explaining, yet I was calm when saying it and not frustrated, or wanting him to get over his feelings about it, which I do sometimes and certainly realize is NOT empathic. My bodysense was empathy here, while I was giving information. I could sense he was waiting to see if I would change my mind so I wanted to be clear that I would not in order for him to move past the negotiation phase and deeper into his feelings. I was aware of keeping my words as neutral and truthful as possible. I was aware of trusting his resilience, his ability to handle "the way things are" in this scenerio.)
You are feeling pretty sad, huh? You don't want to brush. You want it to be the same for you and Saschy.
Yeah...(crying more softly). She might need to brush next time.
Yes she might.
Then it pretty much flowed from there. Elliott brushed his own teeth and showed me how he brushed all the way around the molars and that's why the dentist thought his teeth looked so healthy. We got stories and went to bed.
Parenting with Empathy...there is a whole lot to this. It's a beautiful, consciousness raising practice. I am never regretful when I step into empathy. Read more here